when do you know yours is complete? i would have more children. there, i said it. why more when we have three healthy, beautiful boys? because:
i would love a little girl.
we have 2 frozen embryos.
i love my babies and am in awe of my 3 year old. i would love to watch more grow up.
but:
we are getting too old (33 and 43).
we love to travel.
i do not want little kiddies when V is in his late 50's or sixties.
risk of complications rises drastically with third c-section (as told to me by my nurse as i was being prepped for surgery).
and lastly, i feel complete as a family. not sure when it happened, possibly last night as i crawled into bed after putting my three (!) sons to bed. or at the park yesterday rocking the stroller and watching V chase sweet M around and dreaming of the days when we will be cheering them on from the sidelines. or maybe when i think of owning a house. a single family, "real" house. in the suburbs where a yellow bus picks my kids up for school. and where we have a swing set in the backyard. and a grill and drink beers on the deck while they run around. maybe even with a dog.
but now i feel complete. at peace with the journey i traveled to get here in hopes it made me stronger. at relief that i do not have to do it again.
i feel sad for the couples out there that have to deal with infertility of any sort. the wanting and the waiting. the hoping and hurting. i used to be irked by a couple of friends of mine who were trying to get pregnant. one had a miscarriage at 7 or 8 weeks, and then tried for 5 or 6 months before getting pregnant again. the other has 2 boys and wants to be pregnant again. it took three months to get pregnant with #2 and they have tried 2 months for #3. and i would be so jealous listening to their complaining/hurting/impatience etc. at least you can get pregnant. but now, since who knows when, i understand. because i was there.
waaaaaaay back when, i was trying naturally and nothing was happening. and i was frustrated. and then concerned. and although i ultimately needed more assistance than my friends, it did not hurt any more or less. it just got more desperate. and i became less hopeful and more scared. and depressed and angry and everything else that comes with infertility.
and just like that my thoughts have wandered away from my beautiful family. i hope these feelings will eventually be forgotten. or at least locked away somewhere. somewhere not so close to my surface. just so i can focus on my little family without always being reminded of the hurt it took to get here.
