my problem must be getting pregnant. the actual conception. what else could explain this? 9 IUI's all failed? zero fertilization of 18 eggs without ICSI. not to mention all the OPK stick/natural cycles we tried and tried and tried.
yes, i did get pregnant once before (naturally after treatment). and it was an easy pregnancy. i was 5 weeks along when i found out after buying some tests at duane reed when i almost puked on the way to work and realized my boobs had been sore for a while. i was soooo happy that i burst into V's office (we worked together) and started waving this pee stick in front of his face and could not stop laughing and smiling all day. i went for a blood test that afternoon and an ultrasound the next day. i saw the heartbeat and was forever changed. it was so easy. and fun.
i was nauseous for just a few days, maybe a week, but never even threw up.
i jogged every other day for 30 minutes on the treadmill with the doctor's encouragement until the 38th week, and only stopped because i was lazy.
i ate whatever i wanted. the only thing that made my stomach turn was cigarette smoke, which in manhattan is hard to avoid as you roam around.
i only gained 25 pounds (perfect) and lost it all by thanksgiving, three weeks later.
my doctor was great although he did tell me a few weeks before birth babe may be too small and taken to NICU after immediately post-birth, but he was almost 9 lbs when born.
we traveled, walked all over NYC as we usually did, we were so happy.
lately, i have been so thirtsy. my boobs so sore. i have been monitoring every. single. feeling/twinge/cramp/flutter. i have been medicating since june 9. yesterday i got an extremely faint line, followed by an even fainter line on a different test, then a glaring "not pregnant" on a digital test.
this morning, i got the "pregnant". and two darker lines. and a dark enough "+" sign.
i feel like everything will be Ok. but i am not just "sooooo happy". i am of course very happy, but it feels so different this time. i am also 1,000 other emotions. i can not stop crying. but they are tears of happiness. finally. and tears of frustration. and fear. and hope. and everything in between. i am overwhelmed. i have not told V even though i suspected with the faints yesterday. (i will tonight.)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
addiction
OMG. the POAS addiction is getting the best of me. and oddly, with this first full IVF cycle, i have only tested twice. i am usually 8-10 a (medicated) cycle.
after a negative on monday i swore i would not again until tomorrow. the day i believe will give me a definitive answer. and i still have no new symptoms. in fact my boobs are getting less sore each day.
so what do i do? i POAS 6 minutes ago.
and what do i see? nothing.
until 2 minutes ago. there is a EFBTL (an extremely faint barely there line) if you stand out on the balcony and hold it up to the sunlight. can it be an evap line if it has not evaporated?
it is not that dark and this is the cheapest test i have ever bought (except those in bulk from the internet). thanks to all the wonderfully brave, strong ladies who actually blog in public (i am a wus), i know a line is usually a line, but i am not buying it. instead, i am packing up M and heading to CVS to buy more tests.
please god. please.
**UPDATE: almost two hours later -- BFN with ept certainty digital. i knew i was imagining things.
after a negative on monday i swore i would not again until tomorrow. the day i believe will give me a definitive answer. and i still have no new symptoms. in fact my boobs are getting less sore each day.
so what do i do? i POAS 6 minutes ago.
and what do i see? nothing.
until 2 minutes ago. there is a EFBTL (an extremely faint barely there line) if you stand out on the balcony and hold it up to the sunlight. can it be an evap line if it has not evaporated?
it is not that dark and this is the cheapest test i have ever bought (except those in bulk from the internet). thanks to all the wonderfully brave, strong ladies who actually blog in public (i am a wus), i know a line is usually a line, but i am not buying it. instead, i am packing up M and heading to CVS to buy more tests.
please god. please.
**UPDATE: almost two hours later -- BFN with ept certainty digital. i knew i was imagining things.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
they froze 2!!!
i just got a letter (so formal?) from the clinic wishing me success with my treatment and letting me know they froze two embryos!
just before the transfer they said there would likely be none that made it far enough along, so this is a great surprise. no word on quality...just the quantity!!
also, isn't it amazing just how many veins are on your breasts when you check every 30 minutes?
just before the transfer they said there would likely be none that made it far enough along, so this is a great surprise. no word on quality...just the quantity!!
also, isn't it amazing just how many veins are on your breasts when you check every 30 minutes?
6dp5dt
i have heavy cramping again this morning. the AF type, nothing new or different. i will not test again today, maybe tomorrow. the soreness in my boobs has been decreasing, and i do not have nausea or fatigue or any of the usual signs.
the PIO shot was actually fine. actually hurt quite a bit less than when V gives it. stopping these will be the only highlight of a failed cycle.
i can not help but feel negative even though i so desperately want this to work. but i truly feel as though my period is about to start and, in past cycles this would be the time. i hear PIO prevents bleeding, so this shall be interesting.
**evening update: i have been extremely thirsty today and have downed a gallon of water. the acne is still all over face, neck and back. both of these could be due to the high temp and humidity here in boston, but when preg with M i used to get the worst back acne. it was totally gross and this is not that bad but maybe... cramping still very light. no new spotting or symptoms. attitude is a bit more positive. i still really hope this worked.
the PIO shot was actually fine. actually hurt quite a bit less than when V gives it. stopping these will be the only highlight of a failed cycle.
i can not help but feel negative even though i so desperately want this to work. but i truly feel as though my period is about to start and, in past cycles this would be the time. i hear PIO prevents bleeding, so this shall be interesting.
**evening update: i have been extremely thirsty today and have downed a gallon of water. the acne is still all over face, neck and back. both of these could be due to the high temp and humidity here in boston, but when preg with M i used to get the worst back acne. it was totally gross and this is not that bad but maybe... cramping still very light. no new spotting or symptoms. attitude is a bit more positive. i still really hope this worked.
Monday, July 27, 2009
a new hope and a little CM
so my despair over my earlier BFN -- even though i know it is still early and was not with FMU and was a cheapo target test* --has been replaced with the terror of giving myself the PIO tonight and tomorrow. V was called out of town by a client and came home this afternoon to me weeping and M playing on balcony. poor guy. he could use a break even if it is to warm (103) austin.
see, i have not completely lost hope
so as i break from obsessing over the much-braver-than-i women on youtube for a pee break, i notice some reddish/brown CM on my underpants. i know this could be result of the new vivelle patches i am sporting on my belly, but i of course prefer to assume it is the other symptom not to be written in fear of jinxing...
let the obsessing consume.
now if i can hold of testing until thursday, which was my original plan.
see, i have not completely lost hope
so as i break from obsessing over the much-braver-than-i women on youtube for a pee break, i notice some reddish/brown CM on my underpants. i know this could be result of the new vivelle patches i am sporting on my belly, but i of course prefer to assume it is the other symptom not to be written in fear of jinxing...
let the obsessing consume.
now if i can hold of testing until thursday, which was my original plan.
5dp5dt
i tested 3 minutes ago. nothing. nada. BFN. no evap line.
no new symptoms. light on and off cramping. pimples that i blame on the heavy humidity. moodiness that i blame on the PIO.
what am i going to do??
no new symptoms. light on and off cramping. pimples that i blame on the heavy humidity. moodiness that i blame on the PIO.
what am i going to do??
Friday, July 24, 2009
sick
OK so it seems the sore throat has developed into a cold that both M and I have caught. i feel it will be pointless to keep obsessing over anything physical now.
but i will anyway
but i will anyway
2dp5dt and crazy
i can not believe how i am obsessing.
1. this morning i had a sprinkling of white pimples all over my face. likely from the humidity although i have not had that in a while and it has been pretty humid here the past few weeks
2. and i have a touch of sore throat that started last night
3. cramps for the most part have subsided so i am feeling pretty normal "down there" but for the stress-induced nausea i am feeling
no odd CM or anything special
**update in afternoon -- belly feels like slight GI issue, sort of full, sort of like slight AF cramps. sweet M has major runny nose so possibly the cause of my sore throat.
***updated again this PM, opaque yellow-ish CM. fatigue. illness
1. this morning i had a sprinkling of white pimples all over my face. likely from the humidity although i have not had that in a while and it has been pretty humid here the past few weeks
2. and i have a touch of sore throat that started last night
3. cramps for the most part have subsided so i am feeling pretty normal "down there" but for the stress-induced nausea i am feeling
no odd CM or anything special
**update in afternoon -- belly feels like slight GI issue, sort of full, sort of like slight AF cramps. sweet M has major runny nose so possibly the cause of my sore throat.
***updated again this PM, opaque yellow-ish CM. fatigue. illness
Thursday, July 23, 2009
1dp5dt
symptoms just for my own record-keeping in the likely event i will suffer through another IVF
1. dull yet pretty sore pain/cramping right between navel and pubichair.
2. sharp stabbing pain in uterine region when picking up M. maybe from residual ovarian swelling?
also, my boobs are so sore since starting the pIO so will not mention these as symptoms
1. dull yet pretty sore pain/cramping right between navel and pubichair.
2. sharp stabbing pain in uterine region when picking up M. maybe from residual ovarian swelling?
also, my boobs are so sore since starting the pIO so will not mention these as symptoms
2
we transferred 2 little blasts in an uneventful ET. i was sooo dopey from the valium and distracted with my wild son who had to join us iin the conversation that i do not know if they gave us the official grading, but one was "great, perfect" and the other was simply "ok". they suggested we do the 2, so we agreed.
as of yesterday, it looks like we will not have anything to freeze although they will check again today/tomorrow. that is such a downer...out of 16 fertilized (even though they said 17 when they gave me fert report) only two actually made it?? oh well, i am really not hung up on it.
i am really, really, really, hopeful this works.
even though the mere thought of twins sends me into a near panic, i would (obviously) welcome that over a BFN.
and of course...the obsession with twinges/cramps/pain/gas/everything. i am 1dp5dt. i know i will not have symptoms today, but i really turn crazy during the TWW. like from the moment it begins.
and i planned not to POAS, but found a leftover test lurking in the back of the cabinet under our bathroom sink so now i must begin prepping myself not to test until at least 8dp. so that means tomorrow i guess. :) i am happy today.
as of yesterday, it looks like we will not have anything to freeze although they will check again today/tomorrow. that is such a downer...out of 16 fertilized (even though they said 17 when they gave me fert report) only two actually made it?? oh well, i am really not hung up on it.
i am really, really, really, hopeful this works.
even though the mere thought of twins sends me into a near panic, i would (obviously) welcome that over a BFN.
and of course...the obsession with twinges/cramps/pain/gas/everything. i am 1dp5dt. i know i will not have symptoms today, but i really turn crazy during the TWW. like from the moment it begins.
and i planned not to POAS, but found a leftover test lurking in the back of the cabinet under our bathroom sink so now i must begin prepping myself not to test until at least 8dp. so that means tomorrow i guess. :) i am happy today.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
life is going my way*
regardless of how i sound in this blog, i am a happy person. a grateful person. a satisfied person. and an optimist. usually.
and this week, things have (already) been going my way...at least things i have been battling.
M has been potty-trained for over a month, but would poop in diaper. well this weekend, on his own, he decided he would stop using diaper and go in the toilet.
he also ate fruit today. without me begging/pleading/bribing. he ate a pint of blueberries.
lastly with M, he napped without a struggle. usually i have to lay with him, tell some stories and let him drift off. today, i dropped him on the bed, went to the bathroom and came back and he was with closed eyes.
V actually thanked me for visiting his family on sunday...two weekends in a row. nothing dramatic just a 'thank you' in response to me saying i was glad we brought M to see his cousins from GA. this does not seem major, but maybe he sees a little how different it is for me than it is for him.
lastly, i have been happy this week. happier than i have felt in a while. i have not let myself get completely wrapped up in how the embryos are doing. or if this will work. or won't work. or if we will try again or end this journey. i think i may have found a sliver of peace within.
and so with these little happenings, or shall i say victories, i am going to build a new hope. a faith that what happens will be right. and that we will be ok. me, V and our family, however large or small it turns out to be.
and maybe, just maybe this IVF cycle will go my way*.
*or maybe the effect of the drugs are wearing off and i am getting back to normal!
and this week, things have (already) been going my way...at least things i have been battling.
M has been potty-trained for over a month, but would poop in diaper. well this weekend, on his own, he decided he would stop using diaper and go in the toilet.
he also ate fruit today. without me begging/pleading/bribing. he ate a pint of blueberries.
lastly with M, he napped without a struggle. usually i have to lay with him, tell some stories and let him drift off. today, i dropped him on the bed, went to the bathroom and came back and he was with closed eyes.
V actually thanked me for visiting his family on sunday...two weekends in a row. nothing dramatic just a 'thank you' in response to me saying i was glad we brought M to see his cousins from GA. this does not seem major, but maybe he sees a little how different it is for me than it is for him.
lastly, i have been happy this week. happier than i have felt in a while. i have not let myself get completely wrapped up in how the embryos are doing. or if this will work. or won't work. or if we will try again or end this journey. i think i may have found a sliver of peace within.
and so with these little happenings, or shall i say victories, i am going to build a new hope. a faith that what happens will be right. and that we will be ok. me, V and our family, however large or small it turns out to be.
and maybe, just maybe this IVF cycle will go my way*.
*or maybe the effect of the drugs are wearing off and i am getting back to normal!
terrified
i have been hesitant to write out my thoughts so as not to jinx them. but of the 23 retrieved, 18 eggs were mature and 17 fertilized. i was a total mess waiting for the fertilization report call. thank god everything was ok. and yesterday (day 3 transfer) they pushed it back to day 5 transfer (tomorrow).
i truly feel terrified/anxious/sick/hopeful/happy/ready. in that order of course.
my hope is that if this does not work we will have some embies to freeze, so i can try again with at least one FET cycle. back-to-back IVFs has not been fun and i could use a break from all the needles.
random thoughts...
so tomorrow i will go in at 11:30. so far, i am most nervous about taking the valium. weird i know, but i am so sensitive to most medicines and am afraid i will not be able to walk into the clinic...
i am secretly hoping they will transfer two embryos, but suppose they will only do one. which is fine bc it means it will be a great, strong one.
PIO really sucks. one day it is fine, next my ass is sore for three days. V has been a trooper bc i know blood/guts/needles make him woozy. but i can not fathom how i would do it myself. my nurse did say icing the area for a minute will not make it harder to go in (as i have read) bc it goes so deep...and i have not had a problem with it. but lokoing at that giant needle really gets me nervous.
please. please let this work.
i truly feel terrified/anxious/sick/hopeful/happy/ready. in that order of course.
my hope is that if this does not work we will have some embies to freeze, so i can try again with at least one FET cycle. back-to-back IVFs has not been fun and i could use a break from all the needles.
random thoughts...
so tomorrow i will go in at 11:30. so far, i am most nervous about taking the valium. weird i know, but i am so sensitive to most medicines and am afraid i will not be able to walk into the clinic...
i am secretly hoping they will transfer two embryos, but suppose they will only do one. which is fine bc it means it will be a great, strong one.
PIO really sucks. one day it is fine, next my ass is sore for three days. V has been a trooper bc i know blood/guts/needles make him woozy. but i can not fathom how i would do it myself. my nurse did say icing the area for a minute will not make it harder to go in (as i have read) bc it goes so deep...and i have not had a problem with it. but lokoing at that giant needle really gets me nervous.
please. please let this work.
Friday, July 17, 2009
23
so they got 23 eggs at the retrieval this morning. the doctor did come back and say many of them were "small" and likely not mature. so i wait anxiously until tomorrow around noon when they call with the fertilization report.
the nurse at my first ER told me to block time assuming a day 5 transfer. today the (different) nurse said to prep for monday and they will call monday morning to let me know if we change to wed (day 5). so i of course panicked a little and told her about last time and she said they would not have said that. but they did. they must have assumed with 25 eggs to have at least a few make it to day 5. no one assumed they would all suck i guess....obviously i have little hope right now. especially since doctor predicted 8-10 would be mature enough for ICSI.
PS - if i never have a surgical procedure on my vagina again, it will be great.
the nurse at my first ER told me to block time assuming a day 5 transfer. today the (different) nurse said to prep for monday and they will call monday morning to let me know if we change to wed (day 5). so i of course panicked a little and told her about last time and she said they would not have said that. but they did. they must have assumed with 25 eggs to have at least a few make it to day 5. no one assumed they would all suck i guess....obviously i have little hope right now. especially since doctor predicted 8-10 would be mature enough for ICSI.
PS - if i never have a surgical procedure on my vagina again, it will be great.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
ER tomorrow
so i made it through the rest of the drugs without acting out, for the most part. but the guilt of screaming at M, still here. i still can not help but wonder if i am doing the wrong thing now.
M actually asked me yesterday monring if i was going to the doctor "AGAIN". i did nto even know he understood that word, and then he throws it at me while i am heading out at 645. is this how he will remember his early days?
and V? he is so non-supportive. not unsupportive, he is fine with the decisions i make, helps with M when i go to the doctor, stabs me with the IM injections, etc. but he is not supportive. not in an emotional way. no hugs, no frustration, no tears. he never genuinely asks if i am OK. ever. i truly feel i am doing this 100% on my own. and i now doubt the strength of our relationship. not that i would end it, but just that i know now not to rely on it for strength or help when i am down. and that scares me because if something happened to my parents, or sisters, or M, i would need someone to help me through. and so i wonder here...am i causing this? but then i realize no, he should support me regadless.
anyway, egg retrieval is tomorrow. at my check yesterday the doc measured 32 follicles. some were still only 12, but quite a few were in 15-17 range and there were "many small" that she did not measure. i triggered last night and go in tomorrow. i feel a bit physically ill that we will have zero fertilization again. i am so nervous. i can not sleep already. i went through my verizon bill to see what time i got the news last cycle so i could make sure to be away from public when they call on saturday.
M actually asked me yesterday monring if i was going to the doctor "AGAIN". i did nto even know he understood that word, and then he throws it at me while i am heading out at 645. is this how he will remember his early days?
and V? he is so non-supportive. not unsupportive, he is fine with the decisions i make, helps with M when i go to the doctor, stabs me with the IM injections, etc. but he is not supportive. not in an emotional way. no hugs, no frustration, no tears. he never genuinely asks if i am OK. ever. i truly feel i am doing this 100% on my own. and i now doubt the strength of our relationship. not that i would end it, but just that i know now not to rely on it for strength or help when i am down. and that scares me because if something happened to my parents, or sisters, or M, i would need someone to help me through. and so i wonder here...am i causing this? but then i realize no, he should support me regadless.
anyway, egg retrieval is tomorrow. at my check yesterday the doc measured 32 follicles. some were still only 12, but quite a few were in 15-17 range and there were "many small" that she did not measure. i triggered last night and go in tomorrow. i feel a bit physically ill that we will have zero fertilization again. i am so nervous. i can not sleep already. i went through my verizon bill to see what time i got the news last cycle so i could make sure to be away from public when they call on saturday.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
lupron rage?
so my first u/s and estrogen check was tuesday and e=21. i did not completely freak this time bc it was only 26 with the first cycle. they upped gonal-f again and am now waiting for them to call with todays levels.
lupron. is this making me crazy? i got seriously angry with sweet M yesterday because he was not napping and was instead poking me in the face with his toy. angry to the point that i shouted and left his room in such haste that i fell over the baby-gate and crashed to the floor. then i kicked it (gate, not M) down the hall. thankfully M stayed in his room for a few minutes while i panicked that i should called DCS on myself. once calm after a few minutes by myself, i gave him the biggest/tightest/truest hug ever.**
then i pondered a comment V made this weekend that sent me into a silent rage. after tearing up during a michael jackson news segment, i exclaimed (for the 1,000,000th time) how i can not believe i/we have to go through this IF shit and how i am sick of the needles and the drug and the hormones. and after i blubbered for a second
V said something to the effect: it's your choice.
and i blew up. i was so mad that he put it on me, but now i wonder: is it my choice? is it the right choice? i know my marriage is definitely taking a pounding. i know my self-esteem/self-worth is taking a hit. i am isolating family. i am losing friends because IF is all i talk about. but it is truly consuming my life. i think about it all. the. time. i am sad all. the. time. i cry a lot. i am mad a lot. i hurt a lot.
and now i am full of guilt for yelling at a 2-year old? the sweetest 2 year old i have ever met? is this the sign that i need to stop? am i doing this to my life? am i ruining my life? what about V's? and god forbid...M's?
**i do get exasperated/flustered/aggravated/even annoyed with M often. he is 2 and "active" and curious and smart and exhausting and wonderful and i spend all day, every single day with him and i am tired. but i realize he is just 2 and never, ever, ever, take it out on him, maybe V but never M. i think it is best to parent calmly, and that is what i try to do.
lupron. is this making me crazy? i got seriously angry with sweet M yesterday because he was not napping and was instead poking me in the face with his toy. angry to the point that i shouted and left his room in such haste that i fell over the baby-gate and crashed to the floor. then i kicked it (gate, not M) down the hall. thankfully M stayed in his room for a few minutes while i panicked that i should called DCS on myself. once calm after a few minutes by myself, i gave him the biggest/tightest/truest hug ever.**
then i pondered a comment V made this weekend that sent me into a silent rage. after tearing up during a michael jackson news segment, i exclaimed (for the 1,000,000th time) how i can not believe i/we have to go through this IF shit and how i am sick of the needles and the drug and the hormones. and after i blubbered for a second
V said something to the effect: it's your choice.
and i blew up. i was so mad that he put it on me, but now i wonder: is it my choice? is it the right choice? i know my marriage is definitely taking a pounding. i know my self-esteem/self-worth is taking a hit. i am isolating family. i am losing friends because IF is all i talk about. but it is truly consuming my life. i think about it all. the. time. i am sad all. the. time. i cry a lot. i am mad a lot. i hurt a lot.
and now i am full of guilt for yelling at a 2-year old? the sweetest 2 year old i have ever met? is this the sign that i need to stop? am i doing this to my life? am i ruining my life? what about V's? and god forbid...M's?
**i do get exasperated/flustered/aggravated/even annoyed with M often. he is 2 and "active" and curious and smart and exhausting and wonderful and i spend all day, every single day with him and i am tired. but i realize he is just 2 and never, ever, ever, take it out on him, maybe V but never M. i think it is best to parent calmly, and that is what i try to do.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
help?
i have been having a hard time dealing with my faith lately. i feel mad at God. hurt by god. i used to think he could help. now i just feel let down.
it rained again yesterday. i was silently sobbing as M napped in his stroller and was thinking about God and why i am so quick to blame him. or get angry at him. or shun him. is it because it is easy? or because i am greedy and want him to help me now? or 2 years ago? and he didn't? is it because i did not have enough faith to begin with?
i truly wanted to run into the church out back, fling open the doors and scream from my knees. i just want to know why me. i wanted to shout it. i know i would cry and scream and shake. i still feel i could/should/might do this. but i know that will not help my situation.
or will it?
i am so lost.
it rained again yesterday. i was silently sobbing as M napped in his stroller and was thinking about God and why i am so quick to blame him. or get angry at him. or shun him. is it because it is easy? or because i am greedy and want him to help me now? or 2 years ago? and he didn't? is it because i did not have enough faith to begin with?
i truly wanted to run into the church out back, fling open the doors and scream from my knees. i just want to know why me. i wanted to shout it. i know i would cry and scream and shake. i still feel i could/should/might do this. but i know that will not help my situation.
or will it?
i am so lost.
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