25 eggs retrieved.

zero fertilization.

it's time.

so i had over 22 follicles to count today. a couple over 20 but most others b/t 14-18. doctor says i will likely trigger tonight, with ER on saturday morning. my lining is 11 which she said is great. doctor seemed to think all was fabulous/perfect. if this does not work, i will hopefully resign to the fact that it is completely out of my control.

all is fine except for scheduling.

first V is speaking at a dinner tonight. i think the trigger will pretty late however as ER's begin at 10 on saturdays.

and saturday we will both need to be at clinic...without sweet M. this is when not living near my mom makes me sad. i will have to find a friend to drop him off with and have V pick him up when his "job" is done.

and V is going to be OOT on tuesday which will hopefully be the day-3 transfer. he already rescheduled this meeting 2X (once due to this cycle), so i hate to ask him to do it again. especially as he is building quite a practice for himself now and woul dneed to be in office anyway.

so i am thinking of seeing if we could fly my mom up to help on tuesday. she could take M to playground/museum etc. and i could follow the rest-of-day bedrest instructions without panicking that i am going to knock anything loose (which i know is not possible but still fret about month after month whether it is IUI or natural cycle.) flights are about $800 now which sucks.

V's family is closer but his folks are older and not able to chase M around. it is sad but we are both a bit uncomfortable leaving a very/super/uber active toddler with them. more out of concern for their safety than his i think! and in fairness to M, he does need to run around a bit each day. we may invite them for friday night and let them hang in apartment with M while we go....who knows.

i am just going to wait for the call confirming the trigger is tonight.

in the meantime, i am completely petrified this will not work. or my follies will not have eggs. or the eggs will not be mature. or not fertilize or etc. etc. etc.

cycle day 15 update

so today is day 12 of stims and my gonal-f dose for tonight will be lowered to 37.5 and repronex stays at 75.

E2 was 1,857 -- which may be the highest ever in all 10 medicated cycles over the 1.5 years. i can not remember the lining measurement from this morning but think it was approx. 9mm.

back tomorrow at 7:00 for u/s and blood. sigh. and yippee.

waiting. and waiting.

this morning was my 22nd lupron shot. yesterday was day 11 of stims (gonal-f and repronex). i am now waiting for the call with my "instructions" after my 6th date with the vag-cam since start these meds.

i have 15+ measurable follicles (actually lost count) and many smaller. the largest were a 14 and a 15 and there were approximately 8 at 10/11 with a few in between. the doctor said i would likely trigger tomorrow or friday. although i do not want to wait longer than i have to, it seems a bit soon. the follies only grow 1-2mm a day and aren't we looking for sizes closer to 20, or larger??

i can't wait to not be bloated. (or probably just fat as i have not stopped eating for -- umm, when did i start birth control pills?? oh, on 4/10. seriously, it is only 1pm and i had a chunk of watermelon for breakfast before my 7am appointment. then a small pancake that M did not eat. with butter of course. a wedge of a leftover cubano from last night. a slice of cheese. and i just polished off a bowl of cereal.)

i can not wait for this to be over. this IVF cycle. this whole TTC saga. i can not wait for this whole infertility business to be part of my history. pregnant or not. win or lose. i will be able to say i tried everything.

i am tired of explaining what IVF is. and why it takes so long. and why there are no guarantees. and that i will not be the next octo-mom. or even close.

i can't wait until i start planning for a new baby. or planning a kick-ass vacation to mark the end of this journey.

i can not fast forward this process. or slow it down. so for now i will wait. for something completely out of my control...

for the instructions from my nurse.
then for the egg retrieval.
then for the fertilization report.
then hopefully, the transfer.
then the awful/dreaded/torturous TWW.
then the results.

and either way, win or lose, i will have to wait some more.

miscarriage v. IVF

one of my bestest friends called me several weeks ago to tell me she had been trying to conceive for 5 months. no, i was not annoyed/jealous/sad bc i love her and want her to have a beautiful family. we chatted for a while and i assured her it would happen (how i did this i do not know...) and we have not spoke since.

until friday. when i saw her number on the id i knew she was pregnant. we chatted for a minute or two and she asked when "the big (ivf) day" was....then i asked how her TTC was coming.

as predicted, she and hubby P got pregnant.

and then miscarried at ~6 weeks.

it sucks. i actually cried a bit as she told me. i do not wish infertility on anyone. (except maybe the crack whores i see with 5 kiddies on the subway.) i especially do not want anyone i love to experience this horrible hell.

but as we were talking about her miscarriage, and my own if struggle, i could not help be a tad jealous of her.

yes, seriously. i am really that pathetic/desperate/crazed. yes, i am jealous of a miscarriage.

my reasoning is: she got pregnant. in little time. with no drugs/needles/pills/exams/crazy IF bullshit. she did not suffer through 27 TWWs, examining every single cramp/twinge/pain. she did not have to get her blood drawn 15X a cycle. meet the dildo-cam. (until post miscarriage.)

and she will get pregnant again. this i really truly hope.

dr. google

so i have been ferociously googling anything and everything that will prepare me for a canceled cycle.

my own doctor's office has not suggested we might cancel, they only say non-comforting things such as "time will tell" or "we are on the slow and steady route." but i am certain my numbers are horrid. i only hope we can do the retrieval and hope for an FET next month. or at the very least, an IUI this month.

dr. google on the other hand has me just about convinced we will not be able to move ahead with our first IVF. seems i was definitely not aware of how pitiful IVF success rates are with a too-thin uterine lining. (if your lining is very thin i do not suggest typing "thin uterine lining IVF" or "IVF success thin uterine lining" into your google search box.)

then i found this: http://www.sart.org/find_frm.html

these are IVF success rates from SART (Society of Reproductive Technologies). i looked up my clinic and selected the "unknown" diagnosis. then "uterine". then "multiple female factors."

the outcome is grim. pregnancy rates are around 50% except when infertility factor is noted as uterine. then it drops to 33%.

after a whole hour, on a gorgeous spring day in boston, spent surfing IVF info on the web, i now plan to ask dr. goog about early symptoms of insanity.

second iVF monitoring

8 small follicles on right and 12 on left. nothing large enough to measure still. i am terrified as tonight is day 6 of stimming. shouldn't there be at least one or two dominating by now?

lining still very thin ... 3 today and was 3.5-4 on tuesday. doctor did not seem concerned.

e2 level was only 69.

i was a bit concerned this cycle will not play out but the in-room doctor said we should be ok and just moving slow and steady. dosages stay at 112.5 gonal-f and 75 repronex.

it is hard to not be upset about this. i am having a lot of anxiety about IVF not working. i have felt my ovaries responding with all other meds in other cycles and i barely feel a cramp now.

good thing weather is supposed to be nice this weekend...hopefully i can think about other things with my family and try to enjoy the long weekend.

ignorance and infertility

after my appointment i squeezed my fat ass into some new clothes and brought M around on our daily playground/playdate run. no time to be upset. thankfully i have the best little guy to get me through these times. i do not want to cry or be sad in front of him. he deserves a fun mom who will tickle and chase him around the sandbox.

then some stupid moronic mother starts chatting me up with her 3-month old snuggled in her bjorn and her 17-month old wobbling around the playground. and what is she saying as i silently nod my head and try my best to appear aloof and completely disinterested? she is saying what a royal pain in the ass it is to have 2 small children so she is putting them in pre-school/day care FULL TIME so she can work PART TIME and "actually sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee".

and when i said M was only going 2 half days a week she actually said - in complete shock/disgust - "on my god, why??"

look asshole. you got pregnant a month or so before we started trying. and have had TWO children since. i may never have another although i have not stopped trying since. and if i do i will never. ever. ever. complain about how hard it is because INFERTILITY IS HARDER. it is harder than anything i have ever done or been faced with. my whole fucking life is on hold. i am emotionally a mess. i am physically a mess (hence the fat ass noted above). so if i want to spend another year with my only son in the playgrounds, i do not want to listen to you bitch bitch bitch about your children.

of course i did not say that, but i wanted to. and of course i do not expect her to know that a complete stranger is struggling with IF, but give me a break. no one wants to hear anyone complain about their kids. especially at the playground by some bitch in chanel loafers.

day 3 scan

"lining too thin."

"several small on left."

"right side still quiet."

that sums up my 7:oo appointment.

nurse just called back and said E2 = 20. not so good. she instructed me to up the gonal-f to 112.5 and i will go back on thursday.

i am not a chemist. i do not know what the fuck a CC is and i don't want to know. i do not want to mix drugs and try to figure out half of a dose using the dilutant from the reponrex to make the gonal-f. i do not want to inject myself with anymore CCs. this is simply bullshit.

and i know it is not going to work because my numbers are always the same. the estrogen is always too low. and i never have big follicles so they increase meds and keep on truckin' on until a few show up. then they are probably sucky quality. if they do not overstimulate and force me to sit a couple cycles out. i hate my body. i hate ivf. i hate the universe and whatever is making this happen to us.

it is so fucking unfair. yet i keep doing it. just waiting for the same devastation/disappointment/anger/sadness. again. and again. 28 times this will be in 26 months, i think. who can remember and who wants to look back through three calendars.

ivf injection blooper #1

due in large part to BCPs and lupron: i have been a bear/pill/witch/bitch lately. i am crabby/tired/sad/enraged and i take it out on V -- although he does cause a bit of my frustration with his lack of support. well his parents just moved back home (upstate NY) after spending the winter in FL and i thought it would be nice for V to surprise them with a visit.
*we chose to surprise for two reasons: 1. so they would not run around trying to unpack and clean--they are in late 70s and coming off a two-day car journey and 2. V's brother was having everyone up for dinner so his parents could take it easy and not worry about dinner.

i did have to pack and plan for my first gonal-f/repronex injection that evening. if you have not done it before, you get a couple of vials and needles for each drug. (one needle to mix and one to inject with.) but on saturday night i slipped away unnoticed to my niece's bathroom and unpacked the drugs from my purse. after a minute all was mixed and ready for the injection.

but...i have never injected this much fluid -- 1 cc -- and was a bit scared. i also usually ice for a minute but did not have a cube. managed to get the needle in and pushed the plunger.

nothing.

it would not push in. i did not want to take out and re-try because i have irrational fear of dull needles due in large part to the informational board at my cvs magnifying the tips of used needles. i started getting frantic and hot, so took off my sweater with needle stuck in thigh. i called down to V for an ice cube. i finally pushed as hard as i could using both hands. it was first time i actually bled after shot. i hurriedly packed up the three vials, the mixing needle tips, and the syringe so no one would be the wiser and went downstairs for dinner. perfect until...

saturday morning i am hungover. i unpack purse and roundup injection stuff so M will not get into it. where is the syringe? i rifle through purse. i empty purse. i look in empty purse again. no syringe. i must have left on windowsill. in 17 year old niece's bathroom.

V's family does not know what we are going though. long story short i nervously wait until 9am to call my sister in law. tell her i may have left syringe in her daughter's bathroom. have to explain why i have syringe. and of course...

i find syringe on floor of car later in morning.

this is why i do not like to travel during an injectible cycle.

please try to understand

to my darling V. i know i have been intolerable lately but..

please do not ask who told me life is fair? i know we have no control over the situation, but i need to grieve in my own way. yes, grieve. for the children i wanted. and should have. and for those who have them when they probably shouldn't. let me get pissed when i see a mother screaming at her son on the train. or when a pregnant lady is pushing her double stroller. don't roll your eyes.

hug me. even just once in a while. you must see a pathetic, blubbering mess when you look at me but that is only a tiny portion of how i actually feel. please just hold me and tell me it will be ok.

do not ever, ever, ever agin tell me you are "fine with just M". especially not now as i am struggling so. we decided together to pursue this fight through the summer and i need you to get on board with this IVF. like now.

do not tell me "motherhood is the most important job" when i tell you i am bored and need to do something else. i love mothering M but need something to stimulate me/challenge me. i miss working and could use some time on my own. and M would flourish in preschool/daycare.

and lastly, just love me. that is what i need most.

thankfully i have M to smother me (literally) with kisses and hugs for now.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

i am full of sadness this week. i feel lonely. i am terrified that we will not have any eggs. or none will mature. or fertilize. i am not ready to move on from TTC but so ready for this to end.

i read another woman's blog who had a large number of eggs retrieved last week, and had all of them mature and a few embryos to freeze. she had 2 transfered. i really hope it works for her because she is just 2 weeks or so ahead of me and i love reading her story. i want a lot of eggs retrieved. i want 2 transfered. i want a BFP two weeks later than her.

although this is my first IVF, i am certain it will fail. i am praying/pleading/hoping that we can freeze a few embryos so i can at least try an FET before doing it again. to spare myself at least part of the IVF protocol next month.

mothers and sons and us falling apart

before my son was born all of my in-laws became obsessed with the fact that i was not going to breastfeed*. my sister in laws would gently suggest i at least try it. my mother in law would just shake her head as if my unborn son simply had no chance of survival. "i breastfed all six of my kids." yeah, and probably until they were twelve.

*(and yes, i know it is reported/proven that breastfeeding is healthier. it is a personal decision and i chose not to breastfeed. my son is as healthy as they get at 2.5 years. i think safe to say he is going to pull through.)

a few hours after his birth, MIL was holding M as he fussed and wiggled trying to navigate the tiny bottle into his mouth and actually said something to the effect of: "oh he just doesn't want this." note emphasis on this. as in putrid, unnatural baby formula. this was while holding him for the first time.

he was 6 hours old for christs sake. he does not know the difference between the tiny, yellow rubber nipple and the gigantic, pink one attached to my chest. (sorry, tmi, but they were huge.)

that one statement really, truly ruined the moment we introduced M to V's parents for me. my mother, who shot me a 'let it go' look when i instictively turned to her, heard it too. V miraculously did not. nor did he hear any of the others since.

most recently, we lugged our kid down to visit them in FL in march. as i was microwaving his mac-n-cheese MIL tells FIL (again in earshot of me and V) "oh, it's that processed stuff again."

now you must know 2 things.

1. i completely obsess of M's diet. i put a shot of veggie juice into his juice. that is already watered down. he has been eating hummus and olives and peanut butter and tofu and beans since he started eating. his pancakes/meatballs/soups are infused with veggie or fruit puree. he only has a "treat" a couple times a week and only if he eats well beforehand. the mac-n-cheese in question is sort of gross (and oh so yummy) but travels easily. and i doctored it up with half a container of butternut squash and chopped turkey.

2. my in-laws eat horribly. they are both are overweight. FIL had an emergency quadruple bypass at 70-ish. MIL has had type II diabetes for 15 or 2o years. she particularly is in poor health with circulation, knee and back problems that are no doubt a direct result of her weight and/or diabetes. and out of their 6 kids, 4 were fat children and two remain obese--yes, obese--into adulthood.

i would never point this out, at least to anyone other than my sister...but V could and should. instead he acts like he doesn't hear, or forgets that i asked him to stick up for me, or didn't think that was what she said. and fine. boys love their moms. but at what point does wife get to the same level as mom*? it pisses me off that she is always critical but pisses me off even more that V ignores it.

i know i have been unbearble the past year plus. i have been lingering just above rock bottom for a few months now. our sex life is shot. and V has been asking me to book a babysitter for the last few weeks so we can have a date night. i am sure this is an attempt to get us back on track, but i can not do much more beyond the lone unreturned voicemail i left a gal who sat for us once. i do not want to. i need to be loved right now. i need to be cuddled. i need to be part of a couple who wants this together. i need V to ask me how i'm doing. to hug me. to understand.

i hope one day M will love his wife. no. matter. what. i hope i can teach him the simple power of a hug.

(*in fairness to V, he did get involved once when MIL actually asked him to intervene when she wanted to give M a thanksgiving turkey leg to gnaw on. and i said no. five times. and she insited bc she gave all of her grandkids a turkey leg to gnaw on. she was so mad she actually asked V if she could do it. and he sided with the mother. of his son. yes, me. me who thought it was gross to have a 13 month old baby slobber on a turkey leg.)

what plan?

what happended to my plan? we were supposed to have 2 or 6 children. (i always wanted 2 and V wanted 6. although now, if it were actually up to us, he would be fine with 1 or 2 and i would like 3 or 4.) i was going to stay at home with them for a few years, get them off to daycare/preschool and get back to work.

before M came along i worked on and planned events in large hotels. six-figure weddings/400 person conferences/presidential visits/galas/fundraisers...you name it. it was loooooong hours and many nights and weekends. it was 17 days straight. i was always exhausted after work but i was in love with it. there is something wonderful about a job that allows you to see the final product. to see all that you have worked for. at washington, dc's (in)famous mayflowe.r hotel i spent a couple of years in the department responsible for setting up banquet rooms, staffing the events and making sure all runs on schedule. we would have 1 hour to turn the grand ballroom from a schoolroom set-up for 200 people, to a wedding for 300 with rented chairs, votive candles and huge florals. we would set this up as the guests were mingling about the cocktail hour just across the hall. we would descend on the room like an army when the meeting was over, sweeping the tables clear of pads/pencils/glasses/water pitchers/trash/table linens. we would stack the chairs 10 high and roll them out on dollys. we would fold and remove the rectangular tables as the new 6 foot rounds were being rolled in per the heavily distributed diagram. everyone had their job and we were never late. we would toil/sweat/curse/shout and then high-five each other as we did our final inspection with 15 minutes to spare. muscles aching, i would stand on the balcony and watch the mother of the bride, the wedding planner and eventually everyone else gush in amazement as they entered the transformed ballroom. that was it: job done. mission accomplished. on to the next task. or a glass of wine with the boss. or 15 beers with my coworkers. and it was all worth it.

the job of mom is much different. yes, i am always busy but the tasks are never checked complete. the day never ends but it is not the same fast-paced style. i spend hours every day not doing much: watching M line up the large trucks around the playground/or filling the dump trucks with wood chips/or chasing squirrels and pigeons. i scold him for taking toys from others. i step over him when he has a tantrum at cvs. or whole foods. or anywhere else. i hug him when he cries. i applaud him every time he deserves it. i sing silly songs and make silly crafts. i read the same books again and again and again. i spend an hour every single day bathing him..watching him play in the water, moiturizing his skin and dressing him in pj's. many times after wrestling him to bed, i pour an extra glass of wine and as i put my feet up i hear him move to his doorway and say "mama, hug mama". and i get up to put him down again.

and i love every minute of it.

but i am not a stay at home mom. i can not see myself staying home for the next two, five or ten years once M is in school. if i had M, and a 1 year old, and one on the way, and was devoting 7 or 8 years to raising the kids and getting them in school, it would be great. there would be a plan. but i can not have a plan because every time i re-think our lives, IF gets in the way.

i worked part time for a year beginning when M was about three months old. i signed a 12 month contract, foolishly thinking i would get pregnant at some point in 2007 and all would work out perfectly.

when contract ended, i was in the thick of treatment with my nyc clinic. certainly i would be pregnant by spring of 2008. (or summer.)

then we moved to boston mid-summer last year. perfect time to enroll M in nursery school and find myself a job. but no, i excitedly signed up with new clinic and knew i would be pregnant by year's end.

now, almost a year later--and just about midway through 2009--i find myself exactly where i was when we started trying for #2.

except without the job.

or the plan.

mommy's little piggy

my son is sick.

sweet M has been hacking/coughing/choking since thursday. his nose has actually blown mucous bubbles after a fierce sneeze. he has been crying alot. and napping a lot. and snuggling his mama a lot. he has been feverish.

i brough him to the doctor on friday and because he had a cough and the doctor office/city/world is scared of the swine flu, they asked me to put a mask on M. yes, a mask that covers most of his face. on a toddler. toddlers do not like this at all.

now, i did not think he has the swine flu. or any flu. i have convinced myself he has allergies but deep down i know it is a virus he will need to ride out. but.....with the 'beware the swine flu' notices plastered around the medical center and cautious masked patients waiting for the elevators, i begin to let down my guard (common sense).

could it be? no. maybe? no. even though there was a cluster of cases at harvard dental (where is that anyway)? no. even though we were on an airplane (to and from DC. almost 2 weeks ago)? no.even though he licked the back of a restaurant chair before i coudl stop him? no.

so i focus on not mentioning swine flu or H1n1 or flu or anything near flu.

then the doctor comes out and what do i say to M?

"come on little piggy." yes, i called my son piggy for the first time ever.

then in an effort to make it seem as though i call him that always i proceed to say "piggy" no less than 6 times during the 10 minute appointment:

"do not lick the wall piggy/get off the floor piggy/who's mommy's little piggy."