i follow many IF blogs religiously. i truly feel hope and disappointment for the brave ladies who bare their souls while suffering defeat from IF. i have dozens of blogs bookmarked, and check in all the time. i am not ready to share my thoughts with the entire blogosphere, but i feel the need to get this off my chest...
the author of a blog i follow has recently ended her TTC journey. she has not gotten pregnant. she does not have a child. i can not imagine her pain/suffering/anguish. recently a woman made a comment on said blog that: "one IVF does not make you infertile. maybe subfertile, but no infertile." the author agreed that if you have success you are not infertile.
first, note that i truly understand this woman is in the depths of depression. she makes note of problems with her marriage/family/friends.
second, i can not imagine life without M. however if - 5 years later - he had not come along, i am certain i would be single/miserable/isolated/alone/depressed.
but, i am infertile. and so are the thousands and thousands of other women out there who can not get pregnant on their own/easily/at all.
while i do know the joy of being pregnant, experiencing childbirth and cradling our own son,
i still suffer every day.
i still hurt every day. i still cry every day.
my own marriage is in a rut. my husband does not want to continue ttc and i do not want to stop. no one in my real life world understands me at all. no one. not even when i am crying and trying to explain. i hear the same bullshit as everyone else: 'try relaxing/it will happen/isn't M enough/it took me 6 months to get pregnant naturally/blah blah blah."
while i wake up each day to my son peering in my face/licking my nose/screaming from his own bed i still feel lonely. even though he makes me happier than ever, i still feel broken. even though i birthed him, i still hate my body. and i blame god/myself/everybody/nobody.
i hate women with babies. especially when they have more than one. i hate pregnant women. especially when they are carrying twins.
i still can not get pregnant. 27 cycles and no baby. 9 IUI's and no baby. hundreds of at-home OPK's and nothing. drugs, drugs, ultrasounds,bloodwork and more drugs...still just "unexplained" infertility and no other baby.
but explained or not, it is infertility. i am sorry for authors story and will continue to pray and hope for her. i hope she finds peace.
and i hope my first IVF is my only IVF and that it works. if that makes me subfertile, i will take it.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
social networking
last october i was convinced by a friend to join facebook. "you will not believe who you connect with!"
and yes, i have re-connected with people i have not talked to in ages, and do use it to communicate with a few friends semi-regularly. i post some cute pictures of M and spend probably too much time looking at my 'friends' photos. i even joined a few groups - mostly local playgroups to get the email notifications they send out.
i do not become fans of chick-fil-a, snuggie, bea arthur or any other pop culture idol/fad.
i do not take the what 'SATC character are you,' 'how many kids will you have,' or other equally ridiculous quiz.
i really do not give a shit that "marcus is going to the gym, then home after a long day" or that "lynn is eating the best salsa ever."
and i really, really really do not want to be inundated with pregnancy announcements. since when do you tell everyone that you are pregnant? don't most people wait until they are showing and let others pick up on it?? a woman who lives down the road just made an announcement about her happiness over "out third blessing from God." this came a day after posting pics from her daughters one-year birthday party. our kids have played together a few times at the playground while we exchange meaningless chitchat but that is the extent of our relationship. i am not even sure why she friended me. and i do not give a shit that she thinks she was blessed again by god.
anonymous note to J: god has nothing to do with the fetus growing in your uterus. you are not blessed. you are simply normal/lucky/regular/healthy.
so i am going to stop indulging in the fun/stalking that is facebook. i do not need another reminder that most of the world has a good time getting pregnant.
and yes, i have re-connected with people i have not talked to in ages, and do use it to communicate with a few friends semi-regularly. i post some cute pictures of M and spend probably too much time looking at my 'friends' photos. i even joined a few groups - mostly local playgroups to get the email notifications they send out.
i do not become fans of chick-fil-a, snuggie, bea arthur or any other pop culture idol/fad.
i do not take the what 'SATC character are you,' 'how many kids will you have,' or other equally ridiculous quiz.
i really do not give a shit that "marcus is going to the gym, then home after a long day" or that "lynn is eating the best salsa ever."
and i really, really really do not want to be inundated with pregnancy announcements. since when do you tell everyone that you are pregnant? don't most people wait until they are showing and let others pick up on it?? a woman who lives down the road just made an announcement about her happiness over "out third blessing from God." this came a day after posting pics from her daughters one-year birthday party. our kids have played together a few times at the playground while we exchange meaningless chitchat but that is the extent of our relationship. i am not even sure why she friended me. and i do not give a shit that she thinks she was blessed again by god.
anonymous note to J: god has nothing to do with the fetus growing in your uterus. you are not blessed. you are simply normal/lucky/regular/healthy.
so i am going to stop indulging in the fun/stalking that is facebook. i do not need another reminder that most of the world has a good time getting pregnant.
Friday, April 24, 2009
IVF drugs
i was in a wedding last march with an old friend i do not really keep in contact with. A. had just been married and was going to start trying for a baby after this wedding. on a trashy sidenote, she told me she wanted to be able to "get wasted" at this wedding which is why they were waiting...
...anyway i heard A. was pregnant in august (due in april) and thought 'wow, that was quick' and probably spent the rest of that day in a funk muttering around the apartment that life is not fair.
when i actually emailed with her, i learned she got pregnant in april--one month after the wedding, miscarried in june at almost 8 weeks, then got pregnant in july--one month after the miscarriage. i definitely spent that day in a funk and muttering about how i should have been fat like A and smoked dope all the time -- after feeling a teensy, tiny bit sorry for her miscarriage, which she actually said was "no biggie".
this is yet another story of a friend who met their husband-to-be, got married and had a baby SINCE we have been trying to get pregnant.
so while most women get pregnant with just a bit of booze, maybe a few cigarettes or even nothing at all but good old fashioned sex, this is what i am hoping will work for me:
31 birth control pills PLUS:
14* lupron subcutaneous injections PLUS:
10* gonal-f + repronex subcutaneous injections PLUS:
1 hCG shot - intramuscular done by already-terrified husband PLUS:
8 doxycycline tablets PLUS:
18 baby aspirin PLUS:
4 methylprednisol PLUS:
17-50 progesterone in oil intramuscular shots PLUS:
2 valium for egg retrieval PLUS:
16 vivelle patches
*approximate of course
Add in:
a dozen or so dates with the dildo cam,
15 or so vials of blood,
a small surgical procedure complete with anesthesia,
a few days of bedrest (with a toddler),
my history of severe OHSS,
oh and no guarantee that this will work
and you have the reason behind my insanity!
Not to mention the fact that i am allerigc to everything and will likely experience a crazy reaction to a drug along the way. yes, i am one of those people do not even take advil. who sneezes all spring/fall, who is severely allergic to cats and mildly to other animals, who often has unexplained hives due to something i ate/drank/medicated with, who endured allergy shots as a child, who keeps inhalers all over, who has been to the emergency room for allergic reactions including poison ivy/bee stings/cat--many times bc of unknown cat exposure.
so i am sure some of these meds will ensure i take a dive off the deep end.
i guess life is not fair, is it?
...anyway i heard A. was pregnant in august (due in april) and thought 'wow, that was quick' and probably spent the rest of that day in a funk muttering around the apartment that life is not fair.
when i actually emailed with her, i learned she got pregnant in april--one month after the wedding, miscarried in june at almost 8 weeks, then got pregnant in july--one month after the miscarriage. i definitely spent that day in a funk and muttering about how i should have been fat like A and smoked dope all the time -- after feeling a teensy, tiny bit sorry for her miscarriage, which she actually said was "no biggie".
this is yet another story of a friend who met their husband-to-be, got married and had a baby SINCE we have been trying to get pregnant.
so while most women get pregnant with just a bit of booze, maybe a few cigarettes or even nothing at all but good old fashioned sex, this is what i am hoping will work for me:
31 birth control pills PLUS:
14* lupron subcutaneous injections PLUS:
10* gonal-f + repronex subcutaneous injections PLUS:
1 hCG shot - intramuscular done by already-terrified husband PLUS:
8 doxycycline tablets PLUS:
18 baby aspirin PLUS:
4 methylprednisol PLUS:
17-50 progesterone in oil intramuscular shots PLUS:
2 valium for egg retrieval PLUS:
16 vivelle patches
*approximate of course
Add in:
a dozen or so dates with the dildo cam,
15 or so vials of blood,
a small surgical procedure complete with anesthesia,
a few days of bedrest (with a toddler),
my history of severe OHSS,
oh and no guarantee that this will work
and you have the reason behind my insanity!
Not to mention the fact that i am allerigc to everything and will likely experience a crazy reaction to a drug along the way. yes, i am one of those people do not even take advil. who sneezes all spring/fall, who is severely allergic to cats and mildly to other animals, who often has unexplained hives due to something i ate/drank/medicated with, who endured allergy shots as a child, who keeps inhalers all over, who has been to the emergency room for allergic reactions including poison ivy/bee stings/cat--many times bc of unknown cat exposure.
so i am sure some of these meds will ensure i take a dive off the deep end.
i guess life is not fair, is it?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
male factor IF
sometimes i wonder if it would be easier if it were husband V who had the IF problem. not easier in general..or for him..but easier on me. it may sound selfish but i would console. inquire. comfort. nuture.
no one does this for me. not for lack of trying, but for lack of understanding. or because they are just sick of listening. and not understanding. in fact, a lot of close folks make me feel guilty or selfish because i already have a baby/child.
"isn't one enough?" no...yes...what can i say? my son is not enough?? or yes, he is and i do not deserve to be upset about not getting pregnant. i usually just stammer something stupid about how M is a rowdy one.
"but you do have a baby/child!" yes i am aware i got knocked up, grew a babe for 9 months and then birthed him. that does not guarantee it will happen again. and it very well may not. and it is because of this that i am a mess.
"can't you just be happy you have M?" i will never forget how fortunate i am for M. he has made me better/happier.
my mother has struggled with the right thing to say for a while. she called me back in february almost too excited because the woman at her dry cleaners told her she was pregnant and not sure she could keep the baby. (not weird that she talks to her dry cleaner's staff.)
and...my cousin and his wife had just adopted a baby from one of the wife's hair clients who could not keep the baby.
and...this was fate! right?!
V gets upset often. i can not blame him as he married someone else. someone not depressed. someone who cried when she was happy, not sad. someone who would never miss a holiday, especially thanksgiving, because we were mid-cycle. he is angered that i mope a lot. i truly feel bad for him yet i feel anger/hate/aggravation/frustration because he can-not/will-not hug me and tell me it will be ok. or brush the hair from my face and tell me we will get through this. or hold my hand and use his eyes to soothe my pain.
i do wonder what it would be like if V was the "reason" we could not conceive. would he lie awake at night feeling like a failure as a man? would he begin to question himself as a good person? would he ache constantly? would he consider donor sperm? would he have given up by now?
i do believe things happen for a reason. i am just trying to find that reason.
no one does this for me. not for lack of trying, but for lack of understanding. or because they are just sick of listening. and not understanding. in fact, a lot of close folks make me feel guilty or selfish because i already have a baby/child.
"isn't one enough?" no...yes...what can i say? my son is not enough?? or yes, he is and i do not deserve to be upset about not getting pregnant. i usually just stammer something stupid about how M is a rowdy one.
"but you do have a baby/child!" yes i am aware i got knocked up, grew a babe for 9 months and then birthed him. that does not guarantee it will happen again. and it very well may not. and it is because of this that i am a mess.
"can't you just be happy you have M?" i will never forget how fortunate i am for M. he has made me better/happier.
my mother has struggled with the right thing to say for a while. she called me back in february almost too excited because the woman at her dry cleaners told her she was pregnant and not sure she could keep the baby. (not weird that she talks to her dry cleaner's staff.)
and...my cousin and his wife had just adopted a baby from one of the wife's hair clients who could not keep the baby.
and...this was fate! right?!
V gets upset often. i can not blame him as he married someone else. someone not depressed. someone who cried when she was happy, not sad. someone who would never miss a holiday, especially thanksgiving, because we were mid-cycle. he is angered that i mope a lot. i truly feel bad for him yet i feel anger/hate/aggravation/frustration because he can-not/will-not hug me and tell me it will be ok. or brush the hair from my face and tell me we will get through this. or hold my hand and use his eyes to soothe my pain.
i do wonder what it would be like if V was the "reason" we could not conceive. would he lie awake at night feeling like a failure as a man? would he begin to question himself as a good person? would he ache constantly? would he consider donor sperm? would he have given up by now?
i do believe things happen for a reason. i am just trying to find that reason.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
mother
i speak to my mother most days. not always on weekends as we hang with our respective families, but usually at least once a day during the week. i consider her as much a friend as my mom.
she knows everything about my inferility struggles. she does not act like she understands, but offers compassion. she listens to me cry when i get me period. she offers support. she is always telling me it will happen again. she told me this with each of 9 IUI's. she does not understand it may not.
her sister was just diagnosed with breast cancer. their mother died due to breast cancer. i saw my mother and aunt in dc last weekend. my aunt had surgery to remove the cancer three weeks ago. she will begin radiation this week, but thankfully will not need chemotherapy. she will survive.
she cried a lot. she was emotionally weak. i was strong for her. my mother was strong for her.
my mother did not ask how i was doing. i cried a lot. and i was emotionally weak.
and i realize that i am always telling my mother about my IF woes. she is never asking.
she knows everything about my inferility struggles. she does not act like she understands, but offers compassion. she listens to me cry when i get me period. she offers support. she is always telling me it will happen again. she told me this with each of 9 IUI's. she does not understand it may not.
her sister was just diagnosed with breast cancer. their mother died due to breast cancer. i saw my mother and aunt in dc last weekend. my aunt had surgery to remove the cancer three weeks ago. she will begin radiation this week, but thankfully will not need chemotherapy. she will survive.
she cried a lot. she was emotionally weak. i was strong for her. my mother was strong for her.
my mother did not ask how i was doing. i cried a lot. and i was emotionally weak.
and i realize that i am always telling my mother about my IF woes. she is never asking.
Monday, April 20, 2009
hello? does anyone get me?
many days i walk my son to the playground/museum/grocery. we hold hands and i appropriately answer his 1,000 "what's that" questions: "fire hydrant/blue van/curb/pigeon/trash/puddle/bum." i heartily laugh when he is funny. i sternly scold when he is fresh.
i know i do not look infertile. but i am. i fought it hard for M and i am fighting again. i think acheiving a child after IF makes him/her more cherished. not that those who have children the old fashioned way do not cherish their children, but they often seem to take them for granted because they do not know/understand the struggles of infertility.
i am always aware of how lucky/grateful/fortunate we are to have M. every. single. minute.
"he is so annoying/i can't do anything because he is so clingy/(first child) was such an easier baby/i would have another but he is such a pain in the butt/i wish he would stop whining."
well, M is definitely not the easiest toddler i have come across but i would never complain. never. ever. sure, i get frustrated when he throws a tantrum at the drugstore. or when he crayons the furniture. or when he slaps me in the face. but i would never complain about him because i will always remember how close i came to not having him.
and i would take the most annoying/clingiest/most difficult/whiniest baby ever and never complain.
i know i do not look infertile. but i am. i fought it hard for M and i am fighting again. i think acheiving a child after IF makes him/her more cherished. not that those who have children the old fashioned way do not cherish their children, but they often seem to take them for granted because they do not know/understand the struggles of infertility.
i am always aware of how lucky/grateful/fortunate we are to have M. every. single. minute.
and i do not expect anyone to understand my journey. i just need people/friends/family/mother to understand that i am stuggling. and emotional. and hurt. and mad. and sad. i need people to know that i cry every day. that i hug my son 100 times a day. that i tear up when i see pregnant ladies/newborns/families of 4.
that i am completely desperate.
and i know that no one can fully understand this unless you have walked this path. fertiles will never have to relive their lives trying to invent a reason for their IF..."what if i did not smoke so much pot/what if i did not spend the bulk of my twenties on BCP/what if i was a nicer sister/daughter/friend/what if i have only a few weeks to live/what if my husband has terminal cancer."
i met my friend "Lo" last year when we moved to boston. she has 2.5 year old girl and a 1 year old son. we play date often. i have told her we struggled with IF for M and are struggling again to get pregnant. she has seen me tear up many times about it. she has offered to watch M if i need to go to doctor.
"he is so annoying/i can't do anything because he is so clingy/(first child) was such an easier baby/i would have another but he is such a pain in the butt/i wish he would stop whining."
well, M is definitely not the easiest toddler i have come across but i would never complain. never. ever. sure, i get frustrated when he throws a tantrum at the drugstore. or when he crayons the furniture. or when he slaps me in the face. but i would never complain about him because i will always remember how close i came to not having him.
and i would take the most annoying/clingiest/most difficult/whiniest baby ever and never complain.
i do not expect others to understand/pity/hide their own joys. just please be the tiniest bit considerate to my situation. it is hard enough dealing with those who do not know. the pregnant strangers. the tiny newborns. the families of 4 enjoying their day at the park.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
crazy or just infertile?
i took a HPT last wednesday on CD31. of course it was negative because...
my period started late last thursday on CD32.
i started BCPs on friday morning to prep for IVF#1. since then i have noticed:
my boobs have grown heavy and slightly larger/moderate morning nausea starting a bit after i swallow birth control pill/i have been very sleepy/my veins have been very noticeable/that i can not stop eating.
so i just stopped into cvs and bought another HPT.
am i crazy or did i forget:
the BFN from last week/that i am still having my period/that BCPs actually cause some of these symptoms and that the others are the same made-up symptoms i have experienced every. single. cycle. since we began TTC#2 in april 2007?
and to make matters worse it was the first time i have ever had a dud. nothing showed up in the window. not negative. of course not a positive. just a total dud test. and of course i just bought a 1-pack so there would be absolutely/positively no way V would find (more) evidence that i may be certifiably insane.
and i am still holding out hope i may be pregnant.
even though i know i am not.
my period started late last thursday on CD32.
i started BCPs on friday morning to prep for IVF#1. since then i have noticed:
my boobs have grown heavy and slightly larger/moderate morning nausea starting a bit after i swallow birth control pill/i have been very sleepy/my veins have been very noticeable/that i can not stop eating.
so i just stopped into cvs and bought another HPT.
am i crazy or did i forget:
the BFN from last week/that i am still having my period/that BCPs actually cause some of these symptoms and that the others are the same made-up symptoms i have experienced every. single. cycle. since we began TTC#2 in april 2007?
and to make matters worse it was the first time i have ever had a dud. nothing showed up in the window. not negative. of course not a positive. just a total dud test. and of course i just bought a 1-pack so there would be absolutely/positively no way V would find (more) evidence that i may be certifiably insane.
and i am still holding out hope i may be pregnant.
even though i know i am not.
Monday, April 13, 2009
our story
my sister-in-law was visiting this weekend for easter. she is a very heavy woman/can not walk very far/drinks a lot so we were a bit tethered to the apartment and decided to watch a homemade wedding video to pass the time.
we were married in june 2003 and i could barely remember/recognize the person i was back then. all this craziness of counting cycle days/popping pills/endless doctor visits/tears/hope/hopelessness seems to have been going on forever.
i can not believe we used to think it would be easy/maybe even fun to start our family.
i can not believe not everyone knows what cycle day they are on.
06/03...married
10/04...stopped using birth control and start ttc
02/05...diagnosis is PCOS after no periods/start cycling with clomid. gyn even writes cute (at-the-time) prescriptions stating "day 15-16-17-18 sex! sex! sex!" we have two bouts of severe OHSS with the clomid. i am starting to panic.
10/05...move to nyc and get on waitlist for specialist. good time for break as appointment not until february.
02/06...meet head of highly reputable clinic in nyc on the 15th and go through basic testing.
10 days later...BFP after unexplained nausea in mornings coupled with very sore chest.
yes, M was conceived naturally. (well, after way too much wine and some much needed non-ttc sex at a resort in upstate ny.)
i am no doctor but credit 25 pounds lost as a result of a low-carb/high-protein diet suggested by one of 10 millions websites i read regarding pcos. this one noted possible correlation between blood sugar levels and pcos. simply cutting out sugar (mostly) and cutting back on carbs had a tremendous weightloss effoect for me and i still follow--although very loosely--this diet.
10/06...M born healthy after a very easy/enjoyable pregnancy.
04/07...ob gave ok to start TTC#2. try for 10 months on our own before starting with clinic.
04/09...two years later...we are about to embark on first ivf cycle.
after 9 failed IUI's with both clomid and injectibles (gonal-f).
after 3 cases of OHSS with IUIs.
after we have decided to end this journey at summer's end and move on as a family of three.
although we desperately want a sibling for M. or two.
although i can not imagine ending without another child.
we were married in june 2003 and i could barely remember/recognize the person i was back then. all this craziness of counting cycle days/popping pills/endless doctor visits/tears/hope/hopelessness seems to have been going on forever.
i can not believe we used to think it would be easy/maybe even fun to start our family.
i can not believe not everyone knows what cycle day they are on.
06/03...married
10/04...stopped using birth control and start ttc
02/05...diagnosis is PCOS after no periods/start cycling with clomid. gyn even writes cute (at-the-time) prescriptions stating "day 15-16-17-18 sex! sex! sex!" we have two bouts of severe OHSS with the clomid. i am starting to panic.
10/05...move to nyc and get on waitlist for specialist. good time for break as appointment not until february.
02/06...meet head of highly reputable clinic in nyc on the 15th and go through basic testing.
10 days later...BFP after unexplained nausea in mornings coupled with very sore chest.
yes, M was conceived naturally. (well, after way too much wine and some much needed non-ttc sex at a resort in upstate ny.)
i am no doctor but credit 25 pounds lost as a result of a low-carb/high-protein diet suggested by one of 10 millions websites i read regarding pcos. this one noted possible correlation between blood sugar levels and pcos. simply cutting out sugar (mostly) and cutting back on carbs had a tremendous weightloss effoect for me and i still follow--although very loosely--this diet.
10/06...M born healthy after a very easy/enjoyable pregnancy.
04/07...ob gave ok to start TTC#2. try for 10 months on our own before starting with clinic.
04/09...two years later...we are about to embark on first ivf cycle.
after 9 failed IUI's with both clomid and injectibles (gonal-f).
after 3 cases of OHSS with IUIs.
after we have decided to end this journey at summer's end and move on as a family of three.
although we desperately want a sibling for M. or two.
although i can not imagine ending without another child.
first IVF schedule
i have read the excitement/trepidation/nervousness/fear on many IF blogs when the IVF calendar is received. last monday my ivf coordinator called to say she dropped it in mail that morning and to call when received--or if period started--so we could fill in dates. being as clinic is three blocks from our apartment, i checked the box every day day since.
a few bills/several mags/no calendar.
AF arrived late thursday, on friday i started BCPs and left vm for the IVF coordinator. and a few hours later the IVF nurse.
as of this morning, still no response. so i called ivf coordinator again. and left message. on CD4.
a little nervous i was missing something although she did mention last week that i would be on BCP for 4.5 weeks, and i was pretty certain ~ especially after googling "sample ivf calendars" ~ that all was ok.
so when she did call back about an hour ago, she asked if i had a pen and i harriedly wrote down the dates on the back of a cvs receipt while at the grocery store with M squirming/screaming in his stroller. (M was very tired after our easter holiday and has been napping now for 2+ hours. ahhhh.)
this was not as exciting as opening a letter from the clinic. but it is still a reality. and i am excited/nervous/fearful/hopeful.
i begin lupron on may 6 and take last BCP on may 10.
my first u/s will be may 15.
i will start gonal-f and repronex on may 16.
estimated ER on may 25,26,27. memorial day weekend.
please, please please.
a few bills/several mags/no calendar.
AF arrived late thursday, on friday i started BCPs and left vm for the IVF coordinator. and a few hours later the IVF nurse.
as of this morning, still no response. so i called ivf coordinator again. and left message. on CD4.
a little nervous i was missing something although she did mention last week that i would be on BCP for 4.5 weeks, and i was pretty certain ~ especially after googling "sample ivf calendars" ~ that all was ok.
so when she did call back about an hour ago, she asked if i had a pen and i harriedly wrote down the dates on the back of a cvs receipt while at the grocery store with M squirming/screaming in his stroller. (M was very tired after our easter holiday and has been napping now for 2+ hours. ahhhh.)
this was not as exciting as opening a letter from the clinic. but it is still a reality. and i am excited/nervous/fearful/hopeful.
i begin lupron on may 6 and take last BCP on may 10.
my first u/s will be may 15.
i will start gonal-f and repronex on may 16.
estimated ER on may 25,26,27. memorial day weekend.
please, please please.
Friday, April 10, 2009
birth control pills? really??
i have to take 4.5 weeks of BCPs to try to get pregnant. seriously? it feels ridiculous to swallow birth control pills when you desperately want a baby even though i know why. when i opened the pack, i was briefly reminded of a past life when i used to pop these little pills religiously to prevent a baby. 'oh what a horror' i used to think of having a baby in my twenties...
anyway, i have to take them for 4.5 weeks instead of the usual 2-3 not because i need the extra suppression, but because it works into the clinic's calendar that way. this is bullshit to me.
it is all bullshit. i think i am a good mother. V is a great/incredible father. M is such a happy boy. and active and precious and loving and smart and healthy. he has never been hungry or cold or lonely. i truly believe we have so much to give a child. we both have large/doting/generous families. we all have so much love to give. we have enough money to cover the basics. and more. our children would not feel the burden of student loans after college. or grad school. we love to travel. we love to play. i think i may have a thousand ideas for birthday cakes. and rainy day games. and crafts. and so much more.
anyway, i have to take them for 4.5 weeks instead of the usual 2-3 not because i need the extra suppression, but because it works into the clinic's calendar that way. this is bullshit to me.
it is all bullshit. i think i am a good mother. V is a great/incredible father. M is such a happy boy. and active and precious and loving and smart and healthy. he has never been hungry or cold or lonely. i truly believe we have so much to give a child. we both have large/doting/generous families. we all have so much love to give. we have enough money to cover the basics. and more. our children would not feel the burden of student loans after college. or grad school. we love to travel. we love to play. i think i may have a thousand ideas for birthday cakes. and rainy day games. and crafts. and so much more.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
i am scared of IVF
even after 26 failed cycles, i still convince myself that i am pregnant every time.
i do this because i am scared of losing hope. although trying naturally/with pills/injectibles/IUIs have brought no success, there has always been IVF to try as our last resort.
dr. nyc did not think we would need IVF as we have gotten pregnant before so we went through 6 IUIs with different meds/dosages with him.
dr. boston is a bit dictated by the insurance company protocol* of trying 3 IUIs and then moving to IVF. no questions asked.
so here we go. i took my first birth control pill this morning and am awaiting the nurse to call back with my timeline/calendar.
i am so very scared this will not work, yet so hopeful it will. i can not believe i am here, using our last resort to try to get pregnant.
*very thankfully, we are covered by insurance in massachusetts for up to three IUIs and three IVF cycles so i can not complain too much. but i will say the level of service is much different. i met with my doctor at every visit in nyc. we discussed every failed cycle and plotted out a course for the next. he truly seemed sad when he brought up the 'next step is IVF' talk and too bad it was just before we moved to mass so we just did one last IUI. here in mass, i met my doctor at the consultation visit, the 'next step is IVF' appointment at at one ultrasound (of several dozen). the doctor on duty sees you for the monitoring appointments and a nurse(?) performs the IUI. i am not very impressed with this clinic, but it is at one of nation's best hospitals and i will stick it out as the end of this journey is nearing.
i do this because i am scared of losing hope. although trying naturally/with pills/injectibles/IUIs have brought no success, there has always been IVF to try as our last resort.
dr. nyc did not think we would need IVF as we have gotten pregnant before so we went through 6 IUIs with different meds/dosages with him.
dr. boston is a bit dictated by the insurance company protocol* of trying 3 IUIs and then moving to IVF. no questions asked.
so here we go. i took my first birth control pill this morning and am awaiting the nurse to call back with my timeline/calendar.
i am so very scared this will not work, yet so hopeful it will. i can not believe i am here, using our last resort to try to get pregnant.
*very thankfully, we are covered by insurance in massachusetts for up to three IUIs and three IVF cycles so i can not complain too much. but i will say the level of service is much different. i met with my doctor at every visit in nyc. we discussed every failed cycle and plotted out a course for the next. he truly seemed sad when he brought up the 'next step is IVF' talk and too bad it was just before we moved to mass so we just did one last IUI. here in mass, i met my doctor at the consultation visit, the 'next step is IVF' appointment at at one ultrasound (of several dozen). the doctor on duty sees you for the monitoring appointments and a nurse(?) performs the IUI. i am not very impressed with this clinic, but it is at one of nation's best hospitals and i will stick it out as the end of this journey is nearing.
Monday, April 6, 2009
why now?
over the past year and a half i have lurked religiously on several dozen blogs devoted to the struggle with infertility. i have followed the intimate stories/successes/failures of so many who bare their souls and check in on beta days and seek tips on everything from communicating with doctors to giving shots to dealing with pesky/rude/inconsiderate friends or relatives. i get strength/hope/peace/support from the many, many, many women who are also battling the demon that is infertility. i just have not shared my story.
i relate to all the BFNs. i rejoice at the BFPs proudly/anxiously/finally posted on these blogs even though i hate/envy pregnant friends/relatives/strangers who. i look for answers/statistics/laughs/strength/hope within the musings from this minority of women. i want to share my thoughts on this, but haven't.
i cry often. i have stopped praying.
i am sad inside. i feel life is not fair.
so why now? why not when this journey began 26 cycles ago on april 10, 2007?
because i do have a son. i did get pregnant, and did not miscarry, and delivered a healthy, beautiful sweet son (i will call him M and refer to him often) and i do not want to feel judged as lucky/inconsiderate/ungrateful/spoiled.
i share the same feelings/shame/frustration/anger and so on. i thought i had won the fight against IF but now realize i had only won a battle, and am still fighting the same war. i am still battling infertility. still infertile.
why now?
because i am waiting this week for my period to start so i can begin IVF #1 after 9 failed IUIs since february 2008.
because we have decided to try IVF just two times over the course of the next few months.
because after these cycles, i will call it quits for good and i am scared shitless.
so that is why. because the end is finally near
and i am scared.
and i need support.
(and with endless pages of frustration and anger and hopelessness and desperation in my journal, my hand is getting sore.)
so if you are a hater because i am a mother i understand. sometimes i hate pregnant women and mothers of two and three and four. just please don't judge. i fought the same fight for M and am continuing in hopes of another. or two.
i relate to all the BFNs. i rejoice at the BFPs proudly/anxiously/finally posted on these blogs even though i hate/envy pregnant friends/relatives/strangers who. i look for answers/statistics/laughs/strength/hope within the musings from this minority of women. i want to share my thoughts on this, but haven't.
i cry often. i have stopped praying.
i am sad inside. i feel life is not fair.
so why now? why not when this journey began 26 cycles ago on april 10, 2007?
because i do have a son. i did get pregnant, and did not miscarry, and delivered a healthy, beautiful sweet son (i will call him M and refer to him often) and i do not want to feel judged as lucky/inconsiderate/ungrateful/spoiled.
i share the same feelings/shame/frustration/anger and so on. i thought i had won the fight against IF but now realize i had only won a battle, and am still fighting the same war. i am still battling infertility. still infertile.
why now?
because i am waiting this week for my period to start so i can begin IVF #1 after 9 failed IUIs since february 2008.
because we have decided to try IVF just two times over the course of the next few months.
because after these cycles, i will call it quits for good and i am scared shitless.
so that is why. because the end is finally near
and i am scared.
and i need support.
(and with endless pages of frustration and anger and hopelessness and desperation in my journal, my hand is getting sore.)
so if you are a hater because i am a mother i understand. sometimes i hate pregnant women and mothers of two and three and four. just please don't judge. i fought the same fight for M and am continuing in hopes of another. or two.
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