blessed

at 37 weeks, 4 days we delivered two gorgeous, precious little boys. J and B are just perfect and i am hanging in there. my hormones are out of whack, but that will go away. my belly is just gross, but that too will change back. i am exhausted, in love and so happy.

i cried in the delivery room tears of joy of course, but also tears of relief. this journey is over. my babies are screaming and my stomach is being stitched back up. forever. although i have wrestled with the thought of having one more child, having always thought 4 would be great, and just love the thought of a little girl baby, i know this is not a path i will take again.

the pain of infertility is still fresh, the scars still healing, and i want to move on. and spend my sleepless nights hugging my boys and loving them, not begging god that this will be the month. no. from now on, i hope my tears are the joyous type only.

full term with twins.

i never thought i would make it here. but tomorrow i will be 37 weeks pregnant. with two seemingly healthy baby boys. who are already out of preemie weight.

besides people telling me i do not look pregnant with twins and asking how i did it (i eat and eat and eat and eat. i worked hard to get here and did not try to gain little weight so i find the question a bit offensive) everyone wants to know "what are you going to do?"

well, i am going to be over the moon. i am going to cry (i almost do just thinking about meeting these two new babies). i am going to thank god and the universe every day for giving me more children. i am going to remember forever the journey that got me here. i am going to pray for the healing of my emotional scars and my marriage and our health and the health of our children. i am going to pursuade V to donate our frozen embryos to another couple. i am going to be a stronger mother. a more grateful person. a more guarded person. i am going to wonder forever why these children were not "meant to be" and if we forced them into this existence. and i am going to live every minute for them.

i know the asker is wondering if we have two cribs or if we will be leaving the city or whether we know what we are in for or if we will be hiring help. and i know that and i answer appropriately. do i know the answers to these questions? no. it is hard to worry about the small things right now when i am feeling so overwhelmed with happiness. i truly feel blessed.

april 9 is our actual due date. april 10 marks three years to the first cycle day 1 that we started trying for another child. sweet M was not even 6 months old, but knowing how hard it was to have him, we did not care if they would be too close together. he is almost 3.5 now and has been the best. thing. ever. to happen to me. and all during the worst times of my life. without him, i am pretty certain my marriage would not have survived. i am not even sure i would have made it without his cute face and ever growing personality. who knows where i would be.

for now, i am full term with twins. i am ecstatic and can not wait to meet them. for M to meet his brothers. and to put this crazy chapter behind me. i am trying to be more positive in life. i am just feeling blessed right now.

not complaining again

but boy am i miserable. this is physically much harder than first pregnancy, especially when i am (still) a nervous wreck. the last three nights i was certain i was beginning labor, then would freak out a bit because i do not know what "going into labor" really means...does water always break? do you have to lose the mucuous plug? what is difference between real and fake contractions? is my back pain worsening?

and part of me just wants them to be born, even if still a week or two earlier than ideal, because i know they are alive and kicking (literally). and they both weighed in at over 5 lbs. 10 days ago, so i imagine they are nearing 6 lbs, which makes them much stronger.

just not tonight, because V is still out of town.

i can not believe this is really happening. my heart, although still sore and forever changed from this journey, could not be happier right now. as i snuggle with sweet M before bed or in the mornings, or watch him play at the playground or in school, i feel like the luckiest woman in the whole universe that i get to do it again. times two. thankfully my most recent tears have been joyous, very unlike where i was one year ago.

34 weeks, 3 days. with twins.

and V just left for canada, staying one night and then flying to NYC tomorrow, for another night, back wednesday afternoon. i know we are technically 5 weeks, 4 days from the actualy due date, but it is twins. they usually come early. i am panicking.

we have no family here. or close. if something happens, i am pretty sure i will bring M to L&D and DCS will take over from there.

breathe. relax for next three days.