sell out

i feel like a sell out. i am happy. my babies are 8 weeks (and two days) old and i am in love. sweet M is a nightmare--he is not coping with new ones and the subsequent decrease in attention well--but i know he'll get over it. we are not sleeping much, but i know that changes with time. it is utterly blissful.

i do not think about IF every day. or every other day. it is no longer ruling/ruining my life. yes, i am done having kids, and will always be upset about how i had to come to that decision, but fine. i have three beautiful children. i am lucky. not every one is so lucky. and i know this and i know the pain involved in getting my family and i can not believe i have let it slide to the back of my mind.

but i do not want to think about it all the time. one year ago we were getting ready for our egg retrieval that would subsequently yield zero fertilization. i was about to be completely devastated. i was not being the best mom i could be. i could not imagine being happy again. and yet i am. and it is awesome.

i pray that all couples dealing with this can find peace. and happiness. and their family.

yes, i pray again. read "the shack." it is best book ever when you are dealing with something difficult. it is helping me restore and find anew my faith. it makes sense to me and helps makes sense of this shit i went through.