advanced maternal age.
i was diagnosed with this at my early risk assessment this afternoon. i am 32. but apparently when you are 33 or older with twins at delivery, you are AMA. they actually offered me the CVS test as an option rather than the ERA. (think earlier amnio.)
i opted for the ERA as planned and seems to have went well, will know results in a week. we are 12 weeks and 4 days today. babies are measuring 13 week and 3 and 4 days. hopefully they will be big and strong and are healthy!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
recently
god i sound like a manic. these last couple of post do not accurately reflect my usual state of mind. i AM happy. thrilled, excited, yet still cautious and fearful, to be pregnant.
yes, my marriage has suffered in the last two years. yes, i get extremely frustrated with V and how he clams up on "important" topics. yes, i needed more when i was suffering through failed cycle after failed cycle. can i put it all behind me? that remains to be seen, but i am in a good place.
i am 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant. tomorrow i go for my early risk assessment. and of course, before i even do this testing, i am concerned that i will not get the quad screen a few later. (when pregnant with M the ERA was fairly new, so they did both. and i could use the extra reassurance this time but they do one or the other.)
my nausea has gone and i can finally make it through a day without a nap. i feel much better although have such sharp cramps in my belly that i can not completely write them off as stretching.
i am feeling calmer too toward the pregnancy. i am nervous to travel. especially over the holidays at 24-26 weeks, but that will be the last trip before we (hopefully) welcome home to healthy babies.
i have been reading some other blogs of IF'ers who have become pregnant. those who struggled longest seem to be like me. always anxious until the next test/US/doc appointment. it is like waiting for the other show to drop. and it is hard to let go of that fear and enjoy 100%. on the other hand, those who may not have had as long a journey* seem to be relishing in their current status. and that is what i am hoping to achieve in the next few weeks. with M i was ecstatic from the moment i found out until...well, until we started trying for #2!
*not to say a shorter TTC period makes it easier, it is just an observation. anyone who is subject to any sort of fertility struggle is the same to me. 5 years or 1, it is hard to swallow at any time that your body (or your DH's) can not naturally produce a baby
yes, my marriage has suffered in the last two years. yes, i get extremely frustrated with V and how he clams up on "important" topics. yes, i needed more when i was suffering through failed cycle after failed cycle. can i put it all behind me? that remains to be seen, but i am in a good place.
i am 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant. tomorrow i go for my early risk assessment. and of course, before i even do this testing, i am concerned that i will not get the quad screen a few later. (when pregnant with M the ERA was fairly new, so they did both. and i could use the extra reassurance this time but they do one or the other.)
my nausea has gone and i can finally make it through a day without a nap. i feel much better although have such sharp cramps in my belly that i can not completely write them off as stretching.
i am feeling calmer too toward the pregnancy. i am nervous to travel. especially over the holidays at 24-26 weeks, but that will be the last trip before we (hopefully) welcome home to healthy babies.
i have been reading some other blogs of IF'ers who have become pregnant. those who struggled longest seem to be like me. always anxious until the next test/US/doc appointment. it is like waiting for the other show to drop. and it is hard to let go of that fear and enjoy 100%. on the other hand, those who may not have had as long a journey* seem to be relishing in their current status. and that is what i am hoping to achieve in the next few weeks. with M i was ecstatic from the moment i found out until...well, until we started trying for #2!
*not to say a shorter TTC period makes it easier, it is just an observation. anyone who is subject to any sort of fertility struggle is the same to me. 5 years or 1, it is hard to swallow at any time that your body (or your DH's) can not naturally produce a baby
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
better?
i am feeling better now. my emotions are just so raw.
i bumped into my fave doctor from the IF clinic at the playground (with her two little ones) yesterday. i didn't notice her out of lab coat and away from exam room until i heard her voice, and i immediately started blubbering about how thankful/grateful/happy i am because she was so comforting throughout my ordeal with her office. i couldn't stop tearing up and it all came back so quickly. like a punch to my chest.
i wonder if these feelings will ever get more distant. i am definitely a changed person. less faithful/carefree, more pessimistic/guarded/grateful. in a few years, when i (god-willing) have 3 healthy kids running under foot, will i still be bitter about our infertility struggles?
i learned i would not get pregnant the easy way, the usual way at the end of 2004 or very early 2005 and have spent every single month of those four+ years cycling with doctors in DC, NYC and Boston, or charting/obsesing on my own--except, of course, while pregnant with M and the 5 months after his birth. during that time i have had friends/acquaintances/colleagues/relatives get engaged, married, pregnant, deilver children without the knowledge that it is not easy for everyone. i have fielded questions from family, friends, strangers about when we will more children, what is wrong with me that i can't and why don't we just adopt/stop trying etc.
IF has controlled my thoughts for so long, i have read countless stories in the blog world about success, failure and everything in between. i have related to these women, laughed at some, been jealous of many and disagreed with others.
however, i have never seen a woman who struggled with infertility, who finally get her BFP, automatically get better. does it ever get better?
i bumped into my fave doctor from the IF clinic at the playground (with her two little ones) yesterday. i didn't notice her out of lab coat and away from exam room until i heard her voice, and i immediately started blubbering about how thankful/grateful/happy i am because she was so comforting throughout my ordeal with her office. i couldn't stop tearing up and it all came back so quickly. like a punch to my chest.
i wonder if these feelings will ever get more distant. i am definitely a changed person. less faithful/carefree, more pessimistic/guarded/grateful. in a few years, when i (god-willing) have 3 healthy kids running under foot, will i still be bitter about our infertility struggles?
i learned i would not get pregnant the easy way, the usual way at the end of 2004 or very early 2005 and have spent every single month of those four+ years cycling with doctors in DC, NYC and Boston, or charting/obsesing on my own--except, of course, while pregnant with M and the 5 months after his birth. during that time i have had friends/acquaintances/colleagues/relatives get engaged, married, pregnant, deilver children without the knowledge that it is not easy for everyone. i have fielded questions from family, friends, strangers about when we will more children, what is wrong with me that i can't and why don't we just adopt/stop trying etc.
IF has controlled my thoughts for so long, i have read countless stories in the blog world about success, failure and everything in between. i have related to these women, laughed at some, been jealous of many and disagreed with others.
however, i have never seen a woman who struggled with infertility, who finally get her BFP, automatically get better. does it ever get better?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
what else?
i feel like my marriage is dissipating. a few women in the neighborhood have recently annoucned they are pregnant and i go through an array of emotions about what their lives are like. what it must be like to have fun, casual sex. and make a baby. and to find out because your boobs get sore, not becuase you are 5dt5dt and obsessing about whether to test at home or not. i wonder if these women have sex for fun. or if they know that you can get pregnant without having sex. in months.
i was broken and feel broken still and V has not been there to help. only one hug during this, when i was sobbing after learning we had zero fertilization with our first IVF attempt. he could never talk adoption or donor egg or anything. he never tried to understand how i was feeling. never, ever asked if i was Ok throughout all of this. and now i am left wondering where i will find support if something worse happens? we were fortunate to never have any earth-shattering problems since we have known each other. no family deaths or illnesses, we suffered a couple of job losses, but managed to stay happy and relax about it. but what if something happens to one of us, or to M?
i feel like i am living someone else's life. because this is not how i imagined mine.
i was broken and feel broken still and V has not been there to help. only one hug during this, when i was sobbing after learning we had zero fertilization with our first IVF attempt. he could never talk adoption or donor egg or anything. he never tried to understand how i was feeling. never, ever asked if i was Ok throughout all of this. and now i am left wondering where i will find support if something worse happens? we were fortunate to never have any earth-shattering problems since we have known each other. no family deaths or illnesses, we suffered a couple of job losses, but managed to stay happy and relax about it. but what if something happens to one of us, or to M?
i feel like i am living someone else's life. because this is not how i imagined mine.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
a cure for IF?
so dr. phil has finally done a segment on women TTC. it may have something to do with the few emails i sent in via his website suggesting IF as topic--yes, i am a loser. do you think he can cure it??
i had to click it off after the first story when dr. phil praised the husband for "being a trooper" for enduring a reverse vasectomy and a whopping three IUIs--over TWO YEARS. and he keeps refering to the wife as "obsessed" (a term she actually used herself to describe her feelings) because she wants to try IVF.
does any man understand? or anyone who can not conceive naturally? it is not about wanting a red BMW so badly that you would do anything to drive one: take a second mortgage, go into financial ruin, lose a spouse. this is about the greatest gift on earth, bringing a child into the world, creating a family. a supposedly natural gift. a gift you take with your partner in life, your soul mate.
poor woman was all teary and kept saying "it is not fair" and i was brought back to people telling me "well life is not fair." what a shitty fucking answer that is.
if this man is a trooper then what is V? he endured 9 IUIs and 2 IVFs. is he super-trooper? definitely not. but what about me? i endured the same, plus the hundreds of monitoring appointments, transvaginal u/s, pills and injections. i am the one whose body does not work how it is supposed to. we just wanted a family. like many other couples who can't get there the usual way. we are not troppers, we are just determined.
my feelings on the subject of infertility are still so raw. i am fearful for the first person who tells me "see, you just had to be patient" for i will not be responsible for my response. i am still mad at people who relate IVF with the octomom. i still harbor anger at my mother in law for (unsolicited) suggesting it was time to stop trying and focus on my son. i am still resentful to V for not being more supportive and open during my two+ years of hell. i still get angry at the neighborhood women who plan when to have #2 or #3. pregnant strangers still make me upset. being pregnant myself is still not enough to cure me of infertility and the damage done to my heart, my body, my relationship with V.
another blogger recently had a BFP and suggested that people stop reading if they are jealous/sad/upset etc. she seems to realize that IF does not go away when you get your two positive betas. i am 9 weeks, 5 days pregnant and am still--constantly--wondering if the babies are alive or if we lost one. i am anxious and nervous for my next ultrasound on monday. i take me last PIO tonight and am scared--literally--that i will lose this pregnancy as i have been drugging almost continuously since april with the first IVF. this is not how my first pegnancy was. i was carefree and happy. this time i am guarded and worried. i will forever feel the efects of this hellish journey.
i had to click it off after the first story when dr. phil praised the husband for "being a trooper" for enduring a reverse vasectomy and a whopping three IUIs--over TWO YEARS. and he keeps refering to the wife as "obsessed" (a term she actually used herself to describe her feelings) because she wants to try IVF.
does any man understand? or anyone who can not conceive naturally? it is not about wanting a red BMW so badly that you would do anything to drive one: take a second mortgage, go into financial ruin, lose a spouse. this is about the greatest gift on earth, bringing a child into the world, creating a family. a supposedly natural gift. a gift you take with your partner in life, your soul mate.
poor woman was all teary and kept saying "it is not fair" and i was brought back to people telling me "well life is not fair." what a shitty fucking answer that is.
if this man is a trooper then what is V? he endured 9 IUIs and 2 IVFs. is he super-trooper? definitely not. but what about me? i endured the same, plus the hundreds of monitoring appointments, transvaginal u/s, pills and injections. i am the one whose body does not work how it is supposed to. we just wanted a family. like many other couples who can't get there the usual way. we are not troppers, we are just determined.
my feelings on the subject of infertility are still so raw. i am fearful for the first person who tells me "see, you just had to be patient" for i will not be responsible for my response. i am still mad at people who relate IVF with the octomom. i still harbor anger at my mother in law for (unsolicited) suggesting it was time to stop trying and focus on my son. i am still resentful to V for not being more supportive and open during my two+ years of hell. i still get angry at the neighborhood women who plan when to have #2 or #3. pregnant strangers still make me upset. being pregnant myself is still not enough to cure me of infertility and the damage done to my heart, my body, my relationship with V.
another blogger recently had a BFP and suggested that people stop reading if they are jealous/sad/upset etc. she seems to realize that IF does not go away when you get your two positive betas. i am 9 weeks, 5 days pregnant and am still--constantly--wondering if the babies are alive or if we lost one. i am anxious and nervous for my next ultrasound on monday. i take me last PIO tonight and am scared--literally--that i will lose this pregnancy as i have been drugging almost continuously since april with the first IVF. this is not how my first pegnancy was. i was carefree and happy. this time i am guarded and worried. i will forever feel the efects of this hellish journey.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
waiting
friday was horrible. blood and pregnancy do not go well together. ultrasound showed 2heartbeats, pumping away and i was sent home with a rhogham shot (i have negative blood type) and told to call back for more bleeding. i bled thru sunday, although it got lighter and browner as the weekend wore on.
now all is Ok on the bleeding front but i am a bit freaked out that i will not have another U/S until monday, 9/14. i still feel pregnant -- sore boobs, nauseous, exhausted, growing belly etc. but wonder if both babies are still Ok.
this is like a form of hell. i am 8 weeks,5 days pregnant and have 29 weeks, 2 days until they will schedule a C-section. i can only wonder how/when/if the stress will go away and leave me with a happy pregnancy.
now all is Ok on the bleeding front but i am a bit freaked out that i will not have another U/S until monday, 9/14. i still feel pregnant -- sore boobs, nauseous, exhausted, growing belly etc. but wonder if both babies are still Ok.
this is like a form of hell. i am 8 weeks,5 days pregnant and have 29 weeks, 2 days until they will schedule a C-section. i can only wonder how/when/if the stress will go away and leave me with a happy pregnancy.
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