what else?

i feel like my marriage is dissipating. a few women in the neighborhood have recently annoucned they are pregnant and i go through an array of emotions about what their lives are like. what it must be like to have fun, casual sex. and make a baby. and to find out because your boobs get sore, not becuase you are 5dt5dt and obsessing about whether to test at home or not. i wonder if these women have sex for fun. or if they know that you can get pregnant without having sex. in months.

i was broken and feel broken still and V has not been there to help. only one hug during this, when i was sobbing after learning we had zero fertilization with our first IVF attempt. he could never talk adoption or donor egg or anything. he never tried to understand how i was feeling. never, ever asked if i was Ok throughout all of this. and now i am left wondering where i will find support if something worse happens? we were fortunate to never have any earth-shattering problems since we have known each other. no family deaths or illnesses, we suffered a couple of job losses, but managed to stay happy and relax about it. but what if something happens to one of us, or to M?

i feel like i am living someone else's life. because this is not how i imagined mine.