better?

i am feeling better now. my emotions are just so raw.

i bumped into my fave doctor from the IF clinic at the playground (with her two little ones) yesterday. i didn't notice her out of lab coat and away from exam room until i heard her voice, and i immediately started blubbering about how thankful/grateful/happy i am because she was so comforting throughout my ordeal with her office. i couldn't stop tearing up and it all came back so quickly. like a punch to my chest.

i wonder if these feelings will ever get more distant. i am definitely a changed person. less faithful/carefree, more pessimistic/guarded/grateful. in a few years, when i (god-willing) have 3 healthy kids running under foot, will i still be bitter about our infertility struggles?

i learned i would not get pregnant the easy way, the usual way at the end of 2004 or very early 2005 and have spent every single month of those four+ years cycling with doctors in DC, NYC and Boston, or charting/obsesing on my own--except, of course, while pregnant with M and the 5 months after his birth. during that time i have had friends/acquaintances/colleagues/relatives get engaged, married, pregnant, deilver children without the knowledge that it is not easy for everyone. i have fielded questions from family, friends, strangers about when we will more children, what is wrong with me that i can't and why don't we just adopt/stop trying etc.

IF has controlled my thoughts for so long, i have read countless stories in the blog world about success, failure and everything in between. i have related to these women, laughed at some, been jealous of many and disagreed with others.

however, i have never seen a woman who struggled with infertility, who finally get her BFP, automatically get better. does it ever get better?