far away

so our holiday plans have been ruined by the storm. i can not get to virginia until thursday or friday so we are going to in-laws first, then to see my family on christmas day (we have celebrated on xmas eve for 19 years, i may cry all day about missing it). at least the airline canceled the flight early enough so i did not havwe to drag sweet m and wait for delay after delay after delay.

but i think now i want to move back south. i love boston and our friends and V is doing so well at work, but i am so far from my family. my youngest sister is in high school and my dad still works (he is only 54), so they can not just come up whenever they want. and i will soon (hopefully) have two babies and will not be able to pop down every 6 or 8 weeks like i usually do. i am starting wonder wtf i am going to do when these kiddies are born.

i am just really sad about missing christmas eve. and of course the weather for friday morning is being forcast as lousy and rainy/snowy already so i am certain i will spend this holiday away from my family. i knew there would be a time when we would have to stop making the annual christmas trek, but i thought we could cut out the inlaws first :)

a new panic

well not really panic, but getting there.

i seem to be over the worry that something is going to go wrong with this pregnancy. the babies are moving every day now, and my belly is getting rather large. i am 22 weeks, 4 days pregnan and actually had to think about that for a couple of seconds (instead of knowing immediately). my thoughts of "if these babies" have been replaced with "when these babies."

my new obsession is about what the heck i am going to do with two infants and a toddler. stroller, cribs, high chairs etc. i wish i did not buy such expensive things, as i will now need another of each! what size to buy for these kids? preemie? newborn? 0-3 mos? heavy or lightweight assuming they make it to end of march?

i just bought a bunch of clothes ranging from newborn to 3 months. this after asking a random woman pushing her twins around the mall what size. (she said preemie for 2 months??!!)

so the stress level seems to be leveling off. i am now enjoying being pregnant. and obsessing over names. and whether or not to move or stay in boston for another year in our 2 bedroom apartment. (we LOVE living in city and i know many famlies who have 3 kids in 2BR or 2 kids in 1BR.)

i can finally say i do not think about infertlity every single day. yes, it is an awful journey, but once you overcome, the joy is overwhelming.

IVF v. natural conception

one thing i can not get past is the thought that this pregnancy was not "meant to be."

i worry maybe i will die at 35 and leave three young boys, rather than one school-aged son.

or that V will die early leaving our sons with no father.

i worry one of the twins will have some debilitating illness.

i know it must seem crazy if you have not been in this situation, but doesn't it seems that if it was meant to be, it would have happened? that there is some reason i could not get pregnant on my own? some reason my eggs would not fertilize on their own?

as i read through the journeys of other infertiles who are now pregnant, i sense similar feeling in many of them. every symptom/cramp/twinge/pain is overanalyzed. we call the OB office all. the. time. not many women seem at peace after conceiving via IVF, at least not as i did with M.

hopefully all these feelings will vanish when i hold my three babies together for the first time.

thanksgiving

thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. my mom's family was really close growing up, and we would all head over to our aunt and uncle's home for the feast. i would play with my 6-7 cousins and my sister and we would pass out in the car on the way home. my aunt and monther would put on a great feast. all the usuals, but they are great cooks.

when we all moved away from each other, we spent a few TGs meeting in randoms cities for mini-reunions, this time in high school and college, drinking beers with my cousins and sister and catching up.

now that we are all married and some have kids of our own, we dont generally see our cousins on holidays anymore, or in between even, except for the random wedding or impromptu visit as most of us live or lived in DC, NYC, Boston and Atlanta.

V and i usually take turns on the holidays, so one year with mine, the next with his. this has brought the joy of thanksgiving down a bit for me, as his mom is not a great cook and i really, really, really love me some mashed potatoes and stuffing. sans giblets. she actually made mashed potatoes once with a blender. they were like glue. i think i actually cried thinking of my family eating a moist turkey and redskin mashed potatoes...

last year we were mid-cycle for 2nd massachusetts IUI and i refused to cancel it so i banged out a fabulous dinner for the 3 of us. there was quite a bit of tension from V being away from families for a reason he did nto see as more important. and now this year we are not traveling because i was so nervous at beginning of pregnancy so some of V's family is coming here. i hope to make a feast at least as good as last year.

now more importantly...i guess..what am i thankful for this year?

obviously being pregnant. i really/truly though i would never have another child, and now i will hopefully be blessed with two.

M's pregnancy. if this was my first pregnancy i would never/ever/ever do it again. i am miserable with worry. i can not gain weight. i absolutely despise the entire MGH OB team. including my own doctor. not to completely go off on tangent, but in NYC, i had regular ultrasounds, they tested my blood at EVERY single visit, and i was comfortable with my doctor. i am just not comfortable.

my family. they have been and continue to be my rock. not that it isn't rocky, but with a lack of support from V during this journey, i am not sure i would have come out on top.

V. i think he is trying to be a bit more caring and helpful. we still have no intimacy and there is definitely no aura of love swimming around us, but i am thinking we may make it. although he still does complain a lot. i have a back injury from a few years back that i re-aggravate once in a while and have been "resting it" all weekend. i know he is bored sitting around, but i could barely walk last night. still, he could take M out and about and not bitch about how "he works his ass off all week." seriously. i do too.

OK, no bad feelings now, i am off to finalize my final TG dinner shopping list and want to make sure i blow it away!

19w5d

i am 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant today.

i now feel the babies move and kick around at least once a day. and have even convinced myself that i feel them both as we know where they are attached. i am still exercising. nothing crazy and i did decide not to jog anymore as i was really uncomfortable after a short jog on monday. i am not huge, just have one baby really low down.

but i do think i had two contractions. last night i woke up with a weird tightening sensation so i can not be sure, but walking home from preschool today i felt it again and the outside of my stomach was rock hard. only lasted for a second. so to freak out or not? i decided not to. i am not even calling the nurse unless it keeps happening. and i am starting to realize/think/believe two babies will be joining our home soon.

so why not freak out? because i do not need the stress. i have even managed to stop worrying (well at least not every day) about the choroid plexus cyst on one baby's brain. this is unusual for me...not being riddled with constant worry this pregnancy...and it feels great. i am hoping it is mother's instinct telling me all is/will be fine.

first purchase

so we went for a weekend in maine and stopped at the outlets in kittery on our way home. osh kosh, gymboree, hartstrings, carters.

i could not buy anything. V thinks i am crazy, so after a half hour contemplating sizes for twins and reassuring myself this purchase would not jinx my pregnancy, i decided on a few pairs of little onsies for the new boys from the carters outlet. one set in particular are chocolate brown with "little brother" patched on the front.

ironically we came home to a package on monday from an aunt of mine. inside were some little outfits for the new babes, and a "big brother" shirt that matched the ones i just bought. (they did nto have it at our store but it is clearly meant to go with the babies' shirts.)

fate? i hope so!

my babies

are boys. they look good and strong although one has a choroid plexus cyst on the brain. (nothing too major although could be a marker for trisomy 18 but everything else looks great in terms of my odds for that.)

i am 18 weeks pregnant. with two more boys. i still can not buy anything however, and now with this cysts i do not want to even buy a stroller until they are born.

paranoid much, K? why, yes. yes, i am. and no one IRL understands.

my mother is a friend too and has been involved in this journey but never really got it. even though i cried hundreds of times to her and spent hours talking about it. so when we were chatting yesterday she happened to say something about my struggle:

"i never really thought you had it that bad. matty was not even three when you got pregnant again. my friend beth tried for three years."

i am completely shocked that she doesn't get it. does M's age really have anything to do with it? we knew by trying to get pregnant with him we would have problem, so we just started early. if i waited until he was 7, it still would have been a really bad 2-plus years. does it really matter if you have to try for 1 year or 5 years? do i have it better than those women who can never conceive? of course, and i could not imagine anything worse. but was i just being impatient? what the fuck? we had hard time with M, although he was ultimately conceived naturally (still did 6 clomid cycles with two bouts of OHSS). and ultimately, after all of this hell, we were told we would NEVER have gotten pregnant naturally becuase of my bad eggs.

does swallowing dozens of pills, giving yourself hundreds of injections, enduring the vag-cam many dozens of times, having two egg retrieval surgeries, one HSG (which is no fun at all), and spending a pretty large lump of money actually sound good to anyone? no, it was pretty bad. does staring at a pregnancy test and willing a second line to show up sound like a good time?

what about all the side effects from these drugs? the immediate and the unknown future risks? i can not even imagine how many times i cried? 500? 1,000? feels like a million if you want the truth. including right now. yes, it still fucking hurts.

is it not bad to wreck your marriage, lose pretty much all intimacy with your husband and sink pretty much to rock bottom? is it good to be completely desperate? and now, finally pregnant again, i can not even fathom how we are going to stregthen our relationship. i hurt to much still from things V said. and from things i said. will we survive? yes. do i love him? yes. was he what i needed during this hell? not at all. did i cope in a mature and calm manner? not at all.

is it not bad to think that if IVF was not covered in Mass that we would not be pregnant bc we could not have spent $30,000+ trying twice this year. how fucking lucky is that? and that is all it is, luck that we moved to boston when V lost his job.

it can not be good to still be this worried about losing this pregnancy at 18 weeks. somehow, i do not think most pregnant women are completely stressed out. and i am certain any OB doctor would think stress is bad.

so i do not see anything good about any infertility journey. they are all bad. those who try for one year year or those who try for 5. it is a bad time.

good times

i am now 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant. with twins. it is almost unbelievable still, except that i now feel the babies moving around and have completely moved to maternity pants. and i find out the genders tomorrow. i imagine that will open the shopping floodgates and then i will be convinced we are having more children.

my relationship is not as bad as it sound like when i reread my posts here. it is far from perfect and may never be again, but i have to move on from this near terminal angst that i have been in for the past couple of years.

my son turned 3 on friday and i had a party for him here with some of his friends. he had a halloween party at school and last night went trick-or-treating on beacon hill. it was wonderful. my guy understands that he is now "three" and is just more darling than ever. he is thriving in school. we have so many friends in the neighborhood.

no support

i think my husband still doesn't understand the true hell i experienced in the last couple of years. seriously. although i am - finally - getting excited about babies and pregnancy etc. i still hurt and am still nervous and still can cry at the drop of a hat.

for example, last night he left his email up and i saw one from his mother with subject "cribs." so i opened it, even though i shouldn't have, but why are they discussing cribs? she was asking "where are those bunk bed cribs?" (i found the silliest contraption, literally bunk bed cribs, that i sent to V in humor and can not imagine anyone buying for their children. why he sent it to her in the first place is beyond me.)

i do not need or even want her buying anything for these babies. harsh? yes. but to refresh the memory, this is the woman who completely unsolicited, suggested that i (in brief) stop trying and focus on raising M -- a day after our first IVF yielded zero fertilization. via email, no less. after the only time i actually shared part of this journey with her.

what did V do? as usual, nothing. and yesterday when i told him to tell her to stop looking at bunk-bed cribs and that she seemed pretty excited for someone who simply told us to stop trying, he was like "huh? duh? i don't remember her saying that."

it is bullshit. i am so sick of it. his mother is intrusive and ignorant yet she does nothing wrong in Vs eyes. if my mother had said that, i would have exploded. if it was hurtful to V i would have gotten angry and told her it was wrong and to apoligize. V? no, he forgot she said it and at the time said she didn't actually mean what she said. even though it was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said at pretty much the most raw time in my life, he was like "la, la, la, mommy, mommy".

so what do i do? nothing. well actually, i ignore her comments and try to let everything in one ear and out the other. i keep a blog about M for friends and family and besides the fact that she asks about once a month for the address (save it in your email or favorites, duh) she send sme a stooopid email comment after every. single. post. and i do about 5 a week and i just ignore them. and she refers to M as "our baby" and the twins as "our babies" which for some reason infuriates me. YOU TOLD ME TO STOP TRYING SO THEY ARE DEFINITELY NOT YOUR BABIES.

god it makes me so angry that he never sticks up for me. she comments on his food, on school, ON MY DECISION NOT TO BREASTFEED just a few hours after giving birth. she even bought a big bro to be book that has a whole page devoted to breastfeeding. but V nevers hears any of it.

maybe i harp too long on this shit, but if V stuck up for me once in a blue moon, i might not take it so badly. even if he agreed with me once in a while instead of feigning loss of memory or deafness.

oh well, thank you for the vent blog.

and to all future brides: never marry a mama's boy. you will never come first.

piggy flu

i can not believe how ignorant people are regarding the swine flu-or general flu-shots. get them people. you will not get sick. you can not get sick from them. this flu is targeting little kids and pregnant ladies. my entire line of in-laws do not "believe" in the flu shot. even my elderly in-laws who would likely develop severe complications from any type of flu. sometimes i wonder who the doctors are that treat this family.

anyway i will continue to pester M's pediatrician and my OB until we are both vaccinated. and then, we will not be hanging out with any sick/drippy/sniffly people.

odds

my odds for downs syndrome are the best they will set. same for trisomy 18. i am elated. and with no testing or other appointments until 11/2, i am finally starting to relax.

my belly is growing. strangers ask when i am due. i think i may have felt one of the babes move last night (when M came into our bed and squished up against the belly). i find out the genders in three weeks. i rub my belly sometimes. we are casually shopping strollers online. other baby gear is creeping into my mind. my MIL is already talking baby shower (which i do not want, we already had one). we are looking at suburbs (ewwwww) and cars. i am only 14 weeks and 4 days, but i finally feel comfortable that i am pregnant.

i do not know what the turn around was, but somewhere in the past couple of weeks, i began to think less about the dangers/risks/problems with twins and pregnancy in general and more about having two more babies.

don't get me wrong, i still seethe at most of the infertiltiy coverage in the media (esp. from the ny times). i still get sad about my journey and jealous of those planning when to have a/another child. but for now, i am going to be pregnant.

and enjoy it.

no call

i am trying not to be that patient, but i have not heard back on the results from my ERA test last tuesday. they said they'd call within a week and after telling me 47 times that i was high risk and advanced maternal age and my odds for downs is 1:176, i am just a little (more) nervous.

after my ranting in the last post, i will lay off and be patient. i will call friday if i do not hear back.

i am really trying to be positive. i have never miscarried. i had no problems with M's pregnancy. just nervous. can not believe i still have 170 days to go!

huh?

i had a doctor appointment yesterday. i was called back 50 minutes after the appointment time. my dad is a doctor and i understand that emergencies happen, but they had called me last week to tell me i my doctor wasn't available and i was rescheduled with someone else. fine. but an hour to wait? with a 3 year old?

then i get back where they nurse comes in with the flu shot. i had to explain i had mine at the last appointment.
then she starts telling me what will happen at my ERA testing. i explain i had it last week.
then she listens to the heartbeats and makes sure i know that they could be hearing the same one twice, not two different bc it is hard to tell without ultrasound. yes, i understand that too.

then they send in a midwife who asks if i have any questions and when i say no says to make an appointment for 4 weeks from now. with twins they actually have me come in every 3 weeks. i did not even say anything bc i do not want to go back at all.

now i know i am acting crazy with this pregnancy but i do not think it is crazy to expect the doc or nurse to take 30 seconds outside the door to skim my chart and act like they give a shit. and i think i deserve to act crazy. it was a long fucking road and suddenly last week i am diagnosed high risk and then this week i don't even meet with my own doctor. what the hell? MGH is affectionately(?) called "man's greatest hospital" but i am not feeling it. i think i like a smaller practice and the same couple of nurses and doctors who pretend to give a shit.

i live in the same neighborhood as MGH but reall think i should switch to another hospital. my poor doctor, who i was a teensy bit skeptical about because he finished his fellowship in may 2009 and i was so nervous, is going to get an earful, likely with tears, in four weeks from yesterday.

am i crazy?

33, the new 35?

So there is NOTHING on the internet about 33 being the advanced maternal age for twins. zip, nada, zilch. and i have been looking.

since this is the first time i have heard that i was high risk for anything, i am (more) nervous. and a little mad. why would dr. OB schedule me for an ERA test and never tell me i was higher risk? and why not mention that i would be presented with the option for the CVS as an alternative? it would have been nice to have V there, or maybe more than 5 minutes in a stranger's office to decide.

let's just hope all comes out great with test. i may just keep my fingers crossed forever.

friends and infertility

i do not expect my friends to fully comprehend what it is like to deal with infertility. i am sure i have caused many to roll their eyes and i blubbered about my struggles and how it is not fair and how mad i was. and many told me "at least you have M" a statement that i personally never took much comfort in.

unexpected phone calls or email were answered/opened with hesitation as i was always certain they contained pregnancy announcements. friends i have not spoken to in over a decade, since college, would cause panic/jealousy/anger/tears etc. when they announced on facebook.

if you deal with this sort of struggle, you know what i am talking about.

but there is one thing worse than the pregnant friend. the infertile friend.

one of my dear friends called me in march or april. from her office. middle of afternoon. i just knew she was pregnant as i answered the phone. and when i heard her say "p and i got pregnant..." my heart broke in jealousy. i was lucky that her wedding fell during one of my many two week waits in early 2008. it was just a year later and almost two years since we were trying ourelves for #2. it just wasn't fair.

when she continued with "..but we had a miscarriage" my heart then broke for her. i knew she had started trying in december and that she met her GYN for a "pre-conception" meeting (at which i had a good giggle).

we talked again a few nights ago and she said they have trying again, and nothing. she is discouraged and upset and impatient and everything i have felt before. and she is sorry to talk to me when i struggled harder and longer. but i am happy to let her talk and ask and be upset and discouraged and impatient because i never had that. and i do not want her to go through this. and especially not alone. and i hope that she gets pregnant this month and deliver a baby next spring. and i wish no one had to do this. and i wish i never had to go through it.

but i am so glad she is my friend because she would listen and not understand. and i hope i can listen and understand for her.

ama

advanced maternal age.

i was diagnosed with this at my early risk assessment this afternoon. i am 32. but apparently when you are 33 or older with twins at delivery, you are AMA. they actually offered me the CVS test as an option rather than the ERA. (think earlier amnio.)

i opted for the ERA as planned and seems to have went well, will know results in a week. we are 12 weeks and 4 days today. babies are measuring 13 week and 3 and 4 days. hopefully they will be big and strong and are healthy!

recently

god i sound like a manic. these last couple of post do not accurately reflect my usual state of mind. i AM happy. thrilled, excited, yet still cautious and fearful, to be pregnant.

yes, my marriage has suffered in the last two years. yes, i get extremely frustrated with V and how he clams up on "important" topics. yes, i needed more when i was suffering through failed cycle after failed cycle. can i put it all behind me? that remains to be seen, but i am in a good place.

i am 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant. tomorrow i go for my early risk assessment. and of course, before i even do this testing, i am concerned that i will not get the quad screen a few later. (when pregnant with M the ERA was fairly new, so they did both. and i could use the extra reassurance this time but they do one or the other.)

my nausea has gone and i can finally make it through a day without a nap. i feel much better although have such sharp cramps in my belly that i can not completely write them off as stretching.

i am feeling calmer too toward the pregnancy. i am nervous to travel. especially over the holidays at 24-26 weeks, but that will be the last trip before we (hopefully) welcome home to healthy babies.

i have been reading some other blogs of IF'ers who have become pregnant. those who struggled longest seem to be like me. always anxious until the next test/US/doc appointment. it is like waiting for the other show to drop. and it is hard to let go of that fear and enjoy 100%. on the other hand, those who may not have had as long a journey* seem to be relishing in their current status. and that is what i am hoping to achieve in the next few weeks. with M i was ecstatic from the moment i found out until...well, until we started trying for #2!

*not to say a shorter TTC period makes it easier, it is just an observation. anyone who is subject to any sort of fertility struggle is the same to me. 5 years or 1, it is hard to swallow at any time that your body (or your DH's) can not naturally produce a baby

better?

i am feeling better now. my emotions are just so raw.

i bumped into my fave doctor from the IF clinic at the playground (with her two little ones) yesterday. i didn't notice her out of lab coat and away from exam room until i heard her voice, and i immediately started blubbering about how thankful/grateful/happy i am because she was so comforting throughout my ordeal with her office. i couldn't stop tearing up and it all came back so quickly. like a punch to my chest.

i wonder if these feelings will ever get more distant. i am definitely a changed person. less faithful/carefree, more pessimistic/guarded/grateful. in a few years, when i (god-willing) have 3 healthy kids running under foot, will i still be bitter about our infertility struggles?

i learned i would not get pregnant the easy way, the usual way at the end of 2004 or very early 2005 and have spent every single month of those four+ years cycling with doctors in DC, NYC and Boston, or charting/obsesing on my own--except, of course, while pregnant with M and the 5 months after his birth. during that time i have had friends/acquaintances/colleagues/relatives get engaged, married, pregnant, deilver children without the knowledge that it is not easy for everyone. i have fielded questions from family, friends, strangers about when we will more children, what is wrong with me that i can't and why don't we just adopt/stop trying etc.

IF has controlled my thoughts for so long, i have read countless stories in the blog world about success, failure and everything in between. i have related to these women, laughed at some, been jealous of many and disagreed with others.

however, i have never seen a woman who struggled with infertility, who finally get her BFP, automatically get better. does it ever get better?

what else?

i feel like my marriage is dissipating. a few women in the neighborhood have recently annoucned they are pregnant and i go through an array of emotions about what their lives are like. what it must be like to have fun, casual sex. and make a baby. and to find out because your boobs get sore, not becuase you are 5dt5dt and obsessing about whether to test at home or not. i wonder if these women have sex for fun. or if they know that you can get pregnant without having sex. in months.

i was broken and feel broken still and V has not been there to help. only one hug during this, when i was sobbing after learning we had zero fertilization with our first IVF attempt. he could never talk adoption or donor egg or anything. he never tried to understand how i was feeling. never, ever asked if i was Ok throughout all of this. and now i am left wondering where i will find support if something worse happens? we were fortunate to never have any earth-shattering problems since we have known each other. no family deaths or illnesses, we suffered a couple of job losses, but managed to stay happy and relax about it. but what if something happens to one of us, or to M?

i feel like i am living someone else's life. because this is not how i imagined mine.

a cure for IF?

so dr. phil has finally done a segment on women TTC. it may have something to do with the few emails i sent in via his website suggesting IF as topic--yes, i am a loser. do you think he can cure it??

i had to click it off after the first story when dr. phil praised the husband for "being a trooper" for enduring a reverse vasectomy and a whopping three IUIs--over TWO YEARS. and he keeps refering to the wife as "obsessed" (a term she actually used herself to describe her feelings) because she wants to try IVF.

does any man understand? or anyone who can not conceive naturally? it is not about wanting a red BMW so badly that you would do anything to drive one: take a second mortgage, go into financial ruin, lose a spouse. this is about the greatest gift on earth, bringing a child into the world, creating a family. a supposedly natural gift. a gift you take with your partner in life, your soul mate.

poor woman was all teary and kept saying "it is not fair" and i was brought back to people telling me "well life is not fair." what a shitty fucking answer that is.

if this man is a trooper then what is V? he endured 9 IUIs and 2 IVFs. is he super-trooper? definitely not. but what about me? i endured the same, plus the hundreds of monitoring appointments, transvaginal u/s, pills and injections. i am the one whose body does not work how it is supposed to. we just wanted a family. like many other couples who can't get there the usual way. we are not troppers, we are just determined.

my feelings on the subject of infertility are still so raw. i am fearful for the first person who tells me "see, you just had to be patient" for i will not be responsible for my response. i am still mad at people who relate IVF with the octomom. i still harbor anger at my mother in law for (unsolicited) suggesting it was time to stop trying and focus on my son. i am still resentful to V for not being more supportive and open during my two+ years of hell. i still get angry at the neighborhood women who plan when to have #2 or #3. pregnant strangers still make me upset. being pregnant myself is still not enough to cure me of infertility and the damage done to my heart, my body, my relationship with V.

another blogger recently had a BFP and suggested that people stop reading if they are jealous/sad/upset etc. she seems to realize that IF does not go away when you get your two positive betas. i am 9 weeks, 5 days pregnant and am still--constantly--wondering if the babies are alive or if we lost one. i am anxious and nervous for my next ultrasound on monday. i take me last PIO tonight and am scared--literally--that i will lose this pregnancy as i have been drugging almost continuously since april with the first IVF. this is not how my first pegnancy was. i was carefree and happy. this time i am guarded and worried. i will forever feel the efects of this hellish journey.

waiting

friday was horrible. blood and pregnancy do not go well together. ultrasound showed 2heartbeats, pumping away and i was sent home with a rhogham shot (i have negative blood type) and told to call back for more bleeding. i bled thru sunday, although it got lighter and browner as the weekend wore on.

now all is Ok on the bleeding front but i am a bit freaked out that i will not have another U/S until monday, 9/14. i still feel pregnant -- sore boobs, nauseous, exhausted, growing belly etc. but wonder if both babies are still Ok.

this is like a form of hell. i am 8 weeks,5 days pregnant and have 29 weeks, 2 days until they will schedule a C-section. i can only wonder how/when/if the stress will go away and leave me with a happy pregnancy.

8 weeks today

and bleeding.

i've never had a miscarriage. i have no (unusual) cramping. it is like a very light period. i am waiting for the doctor to call back.

it is like hot terror running through my veins. i am burning up and shaking. i am crying and praying.

i am thinking the worst. this is no way to be pregnant yet the only way far too many women know.

pregnant after infertility

so it's is almost a reality to me now. after 2 years, 3 months of increasing hell--trying on our own, 6 IUI's in NYC and 3 in MA a horrible IVf with ZERO fertilization of 25 eggs and a 2nd (ultimately successful) IVF immediately after. after feeling at true rock bottom four short months ago, nervous about marriage, life, everything else. after the stress, sadness, grief, sorrow, self-pity and on and on.

after all this, i find myself really pregnant.

i had another u/s on monday. both babes were measuring a day ahead of the technical 7w/3d.

my belly is actually showing enough that a friend's husband told me congratulations.

morning sickness has morphed into afternoon/evening sickness.

i have zero appetite.

my RE released me to an OB on monday as a "normal pregnancy."

my OB appointment (also monday) was fine and he said all is normal. not high-risk bc of IVF or bc it's twins. he encouraged me to get back to the gym.

and yet, i can not relish in the fact that i will likely have two more chldren in the not so far future. i know V is a bit aggravated with this, but how can i turn a 180 after going 1,000 miles an hour into hopelessness? i know many things can go wrong, have read too many stories. i have never miscarried, yet i check the toilet paper every single time for pink, red or brown. i overanalyze every single cramp, almost certain it is the demise of at least one baby. i search for the agonizing stories of lost twins to review symptoms that led up to the horrific event.

even seeing the heartbeats on monday, which measured great, could not cure me of this negative thinking.

i am happy. happier than i have been in a year. but after thinking "why me?" for so long, i am having a hard time letting go of that pity/angst/terror. crazy, right?

reality sinking in

my scan was great. 5 weeks and 6 days and 2 heart beats.

twins. i am torn between terror and pure joy.

and i can not help but worry a bit about where we will live, school etc. i am no where out of the danger zone which the doctor was so kind to keep reminding via subtle messages like "if you are still pregnant with two in march..." and "every day is a milestone"

first scan - post IVF

i go in tomorrow for an ultrasound. i moved appointment from monday to thursday because i do not think i could bear if we did not have a heart beat.

i feel pregnant. my boobs are sore like last time and i have on-and-off nausea...not to mention i seriously cannot button my shorts or pants and am sporting a pretty sizeable belly already.

i just cannot help but worry. i feel like i spent the last two years trudging up a mountain and now i am on top and....?

the cramp

my second beta was 1,917. both of these numbers can fall perfectly within singleton or twin pregnancies. i used to hope for twins, so i would really be done with TTC, but after taking M to see my family this past week, i realize life would be so different.

1. i could not travel alone to see my family (ahead of V who usually joins on weekends) with three kids, including two babies.

2. we would need a car. we use zip car and i could not fathom luggin three car seats and three kids down to garage.

3. we would need to move, next summer. we live in city. in apartment that would work with two kiddies, but definitely not three.

and funny i am even thin king about this because i am still feeling this pregnancy will not work out. am i have a mother's instinct? is my gut telling me not to get attached? or am i hardened by IF? have i really become so accostomed to heartbreak that i can not relish in the joy this pregnancy should be bringing? or by all the devastating infertility blogs i read? knowing there are so, so many women out there who are fighting against IF, some winning, but not all.

or is it the cramp that has not gone away? not exactly like a menstrual cramp, or ovulation cramping. not just like a feeling of dread or fear in your gut, but like a mix of all three.

my ultrasound is thursday and i am just hoping for a heartbeat. we leave on saturday for a visit with V's family and then a 5-day canadian adventure and i really can not deal with no heartbeat hoping it is too early to detect and fearing the fetus died.

waiting

i now know what it means when women who are pregnant after IF say they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. that is exactly how i feel.

every. single. cramp/bloat/twinge/ache/painflutter that is felt anywhere on my body means this pregnancy is ending. i have convinced myself the cramp in my calf is detrimental to baby. i have never had a miscarriage. or chemical pregnancy. or anything that would remotely put me at risk to lose this one, but i just can not get 100%/totally/completely/fully carefree about this.

beta 2 tomorrow, at 13dp5dt. i am hoping for a 5-digit hcg level.

612

my new favorite # and, not coincidentally, my first beta at 11dp5dt.

i still can not believe this hellish journey may be ending. i am thrilled but cautious.

conception

my problem must be getting pregnant. the actual conception. what else could explain this? 9 IUI's all failed? zero fertilization of 18 eggs without ICSI. not to mention all the OPK stick/natural cycles we tried and tried and tried.

yes, i did get pregnant once before (naturally after treatment). and it was an easy pregnancy. i was 5 weeks along when i found out after buying some tests at duane reed when i almost puked on the way to work and realized my boobs had been sore for a while. i was soooo happy that i burst into V's office (we worked together) and started waving this pee stick in front of his face and could not stop laughing and smiling all day. i went for a blood test that afternoon and an ultrasound the next day. i saw the heartbeat and was forever changed. it was so easy. and fun.

i was nauseous for just a few days, maybe a week, but never even threw up.

i jogged every other day for 30 minutes on the treadmill with the doctor's encouragement until the 38th week, and only stopped because i was lazy.

i ate whatever i wanted. the only thing that made my stomach turn was cigarette smoke, which in manhattan is hard to avoid as you roam around.

i only gained 25 pounds (perfect) and lost it all by thanksgiving, three weeks later.

my doctor was great although he did tell me a few weeks before birth babe may be too small and taken to NICU after immediately post-birth, but he was almost 9 lbs when born.

we traveled, walked all over NYC as we usually did, we were so happy.

lately, i have been so thirtsy. my boobs so sore. i have been monitoring every. single. feeling/twinge/cramp/flutter. i have been medicating since june 9. yesterday i got an extremely faint line, followed by an even fainter line on a different test, then a glaring "not pregnant" on a digital test.

this morning, i got the "pregnant". and two darker lines. and a dark enough "+" sign.

i feel like everything will be Ok. but i am not just "sooooo happy". i am of course very happy, but it feels so different this time. i am also 1,000 other emotions. i can not stop crying. but they are tears of happiness. finally. and tears of frustration. and fear. and hope. and everything in between. i am overwhelmed. i have not told V even though i suspected with the faints yesterday. (i will tonight.)

addiction

OMG. the POAS addiction is getting the best of me. and oddly, with this first full IVF cycle, i have only tested twice. i am usually 8-10 a (medicated) cycle.

after a negative on monday i swore i would not again until tomorrow. the day i believe will give me a definitive answer. and i still have no new symptoms. in fact my boobs are getting less sore each day.

so what do i do? i POAS 6 minutes ago.

and what do i see? nothing.

until 2 minutes ago. there is a EFBTL (an extremely faint barely there line) if you stand out on the balcony and hold it up to the sunlight. can it be an evap line if it has not evaporated?

it is not that dark and this is the cheapest test i have ever bought (except those in bulk from the internet). thanks to all the wonderfully brave, strong ladies who actually blog in public (i am a wus), i know a line is usually a line, but i am not buying it. instead, i am packing up M and heading to CVS to buy more tests.

please god. please.

**UPDATE: almost two hours later -- BFN with ept certainty digital. i knew i was imagining things.

they froze 2!!!

i just got a letter (so formal?) from the clinic wishing me success with my treatment and letting me know they froze two embryos!

just before the transfer they said there would likely be none that made it far enough along, so this is a great surprise. no word on quality...just the quantity!!

also, isn't it amazing just how many veins are on your breasts when you check every 30 minutes?

6dp5dt

i have heavy cramping again this morning. the AF type, nothing new or different. i will not test again today, maybe tomorrow. the soreness in my boobs has been decreasing, and i do not have nausea or fatigue or any of the usual signs.

the PIO shot was actually fine. actually hurt quite a bit less than when V gives it. stopping these will be the only highlight of a failed cycle.

i can not help but feel negative even though i so desperately want this to work. but i truly feel as though my period is about to start and, in past cycles this would be the time. i hear PIO prevents bleeding, so this shall be interesting.

**evening update: i have been extremely thirsty today and have downed a gallon of water. the acne is still all over face, neck and back. both of these could be due to the high temp and humidity here in boston, but when preg with M i used to get the worst back acne. it was totally gross and this is not that bad but maybe... cramping still very light. no new spotting or symptoms. attitude is a bit more positive. i still really hope this worked.

a new hope and a little CM

so my despair over my earlier BFN -- even though i know it is still early and was not with FMU and was a cheapo target test* --has been replaced with the terror of giving myself the PIO tonight and tomorrow. V was called out of town by a client and came home this afternoon to me weeping and M playing on balcony. poor guy. he could use a break even if it is to warm (103) austin.

see, i have not completely lost hope

so as i break from obsessing over the much-braver-than-i women on youtube for a pee break, i notice some reddish/brown CM on my underpants. i know this could be result of the new vivelle patches i am sporting on my belly, but i of course prefer to assume it is the other symptom not to be written in fear of jinxing...

let the obsessing consume.

now if i can hold of testing until thursday, which was my original plan.

5dp5dt

i tested 3 minutes ago. nothing. nada. BFN. no evap line.

no new symptoms. light on and off cramping. pimples that i blame on the heavy humidity. moodiness that i blame on the PIO.

what am i going to do??

sick

OK so it seems the sore throat has developed into a cold that both M and I have caught. i feel it will be pointless to keep obsessing over anything physical now.

but i will anyway

2dp5dt and crazy

i can not believe how i am obsessing.

1. this morning i had a sprinkling of white pimples all over my face. likely from the humidity although i have not had that in a while and it has been pretty humid here the past few weeks
2. and i have a touch of sore throat that started last night
3. cramps for the most part have subsided so i am feeling pretty normal "down there" but for the stress-induced nausea i am feeling

no odd CM or anything special

**update in afternoon -- belly feels like slight GI issue, sort of full, sort of like slight AF cramps. sweet M has major runny nose so possibly the cause of my sore throat.

***updated again this PM, opaque yellow-ish CM. fatigue. illness

1dp5dt

symptoms just for my own record-keeping in the likely event i will suffer through another IVF

1. dull yet pretty sore pain/cramping right between navel and pubichair.
2. sharp stabbing pain in uterine region when picking up M. maybe from residual ovarian swelling?

also, my boobs are so sore since starting the pIO so will not mention these as symptoms

2

we transferred 2 little blasts in an uneventful ET. i was sooo dopey from the valium and distracted with my wild son who had to join us iin the conversation that i do not know if they gave us the official grading, but one was "great, perfect" and the other was simply "ok". they suggested we do the 2, so we agreed.

as of yesterday, it looks like we will not have anything to freeze although they will check again today/tomorrow. that is such a downer...out of 16 fertilized (even though they said 17 when they gave me fert report) only two actually made it?? oh well, i am really not hung up on it.

i am really, really, really, hopeful this works.

even though the mere thought of twins sends me into a near panic, i would (obviously) welcome that over a BFN.

and of course...the obsession with twinges/cramps/pain/gas/everything. i am 1dp5dt. i know i will not have symptoms today, but i really turn crazy during the TWW. like from the moment it begins.

and i planned not to POAS, but found a leftover test lurking in the back of the cabinet under our bathroom sink so now i must begin prepping myself not to test until at least 8dp. so that means tomorrow i guess. :) i am happy today.

life is going my way*

regardless of how i sound in this blog, i am a happy person. a grateful person. a satisfied person. and an optimist. usually.

and this week, things have (already) been going my way...at least things i have been battling.

M has been potty-trained for over a month, but would poop in diaper. well this weekend, on his own, he decided he would stop using diaper and go in the toilet.

he also ate fruit today. without me begging/pleading/bribing. he ate a pint of blueberries.

lastly with M, he napped without a struggle. usually i have to lay with him, tell some stories and let him drift off. today, i dropped him on the bed, went to the bathroom and came back and he was with closed eyes.

V actually thanked me for visiting his family on sunday...two weekends in a row. nothing dramatic just a 'thank you' in response to me saying i was glad we brought M to see his cousins from GA. this does not seem major, but maybe he sees a little how different it is for me than it is for him.

lastly, i have been happy this week. happier than i have felt in a while. i have not let myself get completely wrapped up in how the embryos are doing. or if this will work. or won't work. or if we will try again or end this journey. i think i may have found a sliver of peace within.

and so with these little happenings, or shall i say victories, i am going to build a new hope. a faith that what happens will be right. and that we will be ok. me, V and our family, however large or small it turns out to be.

and maybe, just maybe this IVF cycle will go my way*.


*or maybe the effect of the drugs are wearing off and i am getting back to normal!

terrified

i have been hesitant to write out my thoughts so as not to jinx them. but of the 23 retrieved, 18 eggs were mature and 17 fertilized. i was a total mess waiting for the fertilization report call. thank god everything was ok. and yesterday (day 3 transfer) they pushed it back to day 5 transfer (tomorrow).

i truly feel terrified/anxious/sick/hopeful/happy/ready. in that order of course.

my hope is that if this does not work we will have some embies to freeze, so i can try again with at least one FET cycle. back-to-back IVFs has not been fun and i could use a break from all the needles.

random thoughts...
so tomorrow i will go in at 11:30. so far, i am most nervous about taking the valium. weird i know, but i am so sensitive to most medicines and am afraid i will not be able to walk into the clinic...

i am secretly hoping they will transfer two embryos, but suppose they will only do one. which is fine bc it means it will be a great, strong one.

PIO really sucks. one day it is fine, next my ass is sore for three days. V has been a trooper bc i know blood/guts/needles make him woozy. but i can not fathom how i would do it myself. my nurse did say icing the area for a minute will not make it harder to go in (as i have read) bc it goes so deep...and i have not had a problem with it. but lokoing at that giant needle really gets me nervous.

please. please let this work.

23

so they got 23 eggs at the retrieval this morning. the doctor did come back and say many of them were "small" and likely not mature. so i wait anxiously until tomorrow around noon when they call with the fertilization report.

the nurse at my first ER told me to block time assuming a day 5 transfer. today the (different) nurse said to prep for monday and they will call monday morning to let me know if we change to wed (day 5). so i of course panicked a little and told her about last time and she said they would not have said that. but they did. they must have assumed with 25 eggs to have at least a few make it to day 5. no one assumed they would all suck i guess....obviously i have little hope right now. especially since doctor predicted 8-10 would be mature enough for ICSI.

PS - if i never have a surgical procedure on my vagina again, it will be great.

ER tomorrow

so i made it through the rest of the drugs without acting out, for the most part. but the guilt of screaming at M, still here. i still can not help but wonder if i am doing the wrong thing now.

M actually asked me yesterday monring if i was going to the doctor "AGAIN". i did nto even know he understood that word, and then he throws it at me while i am heading out at 645. is this how he will remember his early days?

and V? he is so non-supportive. not unsupportive, he is fine with the decisions i make, helps with M when i go to the doctor, stabs me with the IM injections, etc. but he is not supportive. not in an emotional way. no hugs, no frustration, no tears. he never genuinely asks if i am OK. ever. i truly feel i am doing this 100% on my own. and i now doubt the strength of our relationship. not that i would end it, but just that i know now not to rely on it for strength or help when i am down. and that scares me because if something happened to my parents, or sisters, or M, i would need someone to help me through. and so i wonder here...am i causing this? but then i realize no, he should support me regadless.

anyway, egg retrieval is tomorrow. at my check yesterday the doc measured 32 follicles. some were still only 12, but quite a few were in 15-17 range and there were "many small" that she did not measure. i triggered last night and go in tomorrow. i feel a bit physically ill that we will have zero fertilization again. i am so nervous. i can not sleep already. i went through my verizon bill to see what time i got the news last cycle so i could make sure to be away from public when they call on saturday.

lupron rage?

so my first u/s and estrogen check was tuesday and e=21. i did not completely freak this time bc it was only 26 with the first cycle. they upped gonal-f again and am now waiting for them to call with todays levels.

lupron. is this making me crazy? i got seriously angry with sweet M yesterday because he was not napping and was instead poking me in the face with his toy. angry to the point that i shouted and left his room in such haste that i fell over the baby-gate and crashed to the floor. then i kicked it (gate, not M) down the hall. thankfully M stayed in his room for a few minutes while i panicked that i should called DCS on myself. once calm after a few minutes by myself, i gave him the biggest/tightest/truest hug ever.**

then i pondered a comment V made this weekend that sent me into a silent rage. after tearing up during a michael jackson news segment, i exclaimed (for the 1,000,000th time) how i can not believe i/we have to go through this IF shit and how i am sick of the needles and the drug and the hormones. and after i blubbered for a second

V said something to the effect: it's your choice.

and i blew up. i was so mad that he put it on me, but now i wonder: is it my choice? is it the right choice? i know my marriage is definitely taking a pounding. i know my self-esteem/self-worth is taking a hit. i am isolating family. i am losing friends because IF is all i talk about. but it is truly consuming my life. i think about it all. the. time. i am sad all. the. time. i cry a lot. i am mad a lot. i hurt a lot.

and now i am full of guilt for yelling at a 2-year old? the sweetest 2 year old i have ever met? is this the sign that i need to stop? am i doing this to my life? am i ruining my life? what about V's? and god forbid...M's?

**i do get exasperated/flustered/aggravated/even annoyed with M often. he is 2 and "active" and curious and smart and exhausting and wonderful and i spend all day, every single day with him and i am tired. but i realize he is just 2 and never, ever, ever, take it out on him, maybe V but never M. i think it is best to parent calmly, and that is what i try to do.

help?

i have been having a hard time dealing with my faith lately. i feel mad at God. hurt by god. i used to think he could help. now i just feel let down.

it rained again yesterday. i was silently sobbing as M napped in his stroller and was thinking about God and why i am so quick to blame him. or get angry at him. or shun him. is it because it is easy? or because i am greedy and want him to help me now? or 2 years ago? and he didn't? is it because i did not have enough faith to begin with?

i truly wanted to run into the church out back, fling open the doors and scream from my knees. i just want to know why me. i wanted to shout it. i know i would cry and scream and shake. i still feel i could/should/might do this. but i know that will not help my situation.

or will it?

i am so lost.

and we are off....

i am feeling like IVF#2 has officially began, as i started lupron injections yesterday (and it does not feel like you are cycling without the shots, right?)

we are packing up and leaving for southern FL on saturday in search of heat and sun, at least a few days of summer.

i am cautiously hopeful this time. i know the odds are against us, but i have to believe we can expand our family. and in the meantime i will bask in the sun, frolick in the Gulf and enjoy my little family.

sad.

as i sip through my last glass of wine, with M and V asleep and both softly snoring, after a(nother) rainy, chilly yet beautiful day spent enjoying each other on father's day/our 6th anniversary, i can not help but be sad. on such a special day.

i saw a completely stupid show on TLC today called something like "i didn't know i was pregnant" with this pretty large gal with PCOS who did not think she could get pregnant and thought the weight gain was from being depressed about unemployment and ultimately was given an enema for stomach pain and actually plopped a baby instead of a poop in the toilet.
i can't even get aggravated at this anymore. i am just sad.

i saw a family of 6 today, fighting their umbrellas and double stroller against the blustery rain. there were 5 girls probably 10 and under, and a baby boy. i assumed outloud to V that they kept having kids until they had a boy. who really knows, maybe they'll have more.
and this made me sad too.

sweet M tore through a photo album from last summer/fall and i was shocked by how much he's grown. he still looked a bit like a baby back then, not the little boy that he is right now. he had baby hair, and hands, and cheeks. he would still fall asleep in my arms.
this made me really sad.

i start lupron on wednesday, and take my last BCP next sunday.

please let this be the cycle that ends this sadness.

i was fine.

so my mom and her sister came to visit. the first night i broke down in tears after some completely harmless teasing, so now they too think i am crazy...

then today a cousin from CT came to show off her new baby. a boy who is 5.5 months. i am sure i have mentioned this cousin earlier. she got married a month after we started TTC #2, got pregnant soon after, and now has an almost 6 month old.

my mom was worried i would be upset, or maybe she thought i not be able to function around this new baby. he was a funny looking baby, but cute. and i was fine, held him and oohed over him. and i'm genuinely happy for the mother, a once introverted girl a bit older than me, who we all thought would never marry, let alone have children. and she was positively over the moon and i was so happy to see her this way. and i do not want her baby. or any other baby i meet. i want my own. one like M. and i am hurting for one of my own. and because i can not simply make another.

all was really fine as we pushed our strollers all around town and let the older ladies play with them, and put blankets on them, and suggest why they might be fussy. i was fine and it was a beautiful day until i was alone with cousin. and we were sharing stories about or respective c-sections and she mentioned it was not as bad as her earlier abdominal surgery. and i simply asked "what for, appendicitis?"

no, of course not. even though everyone has abdominal surgery to have their ruptured appendix removed, H had a fallopian tube removed ten years ago bc of a cyst.

and still ovulates every month.

and still conceived totally naturally.

in less than a year.

all while i have been trying. and trying. and trying.

thank goodness i was wearing sunglasses because that was the end of my coping.

and after a tearful goodbye to my mom, who i wish could stay for a few more months, i am fine.

but it might be the almost entire bottle of wine.

off the meds

it seems my hormones are back in check after a break from the daily mix of lupron, gonal-f and repronex because i can feel my old pal HOPE creeping back. yes, i am again hopeful that my next IVF attempt will be successful. (this is the same hope i had for my 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th IUI's however...)

maybe it is the (finally) warm weather and bright blue skies.

or the fact that my doc gave the go-ahead for IVf with this cycle so i do not have to wait another month. (lupron begins on 6/24....sound too soon?)

or the fact that all new mothers have been parading their chubby-cheeked babies around town in their new spring outfits and i am a bit ga-ga in hopes of another.

or maybe it is that i am (finally) coming to terms that i may not have another child and am making peace with that on some level.

or maybe time really does heal all wounds.

whatever it is, i am fine with being hopeful again. i am sick of being sad. i am sick of crying. i just want to be the best mom to M, and wife to V.

a couple times a day, something will trigger the emotional breakdown. the floodgates open and tears flow, heart aches, wallowing begins. almost like the stereotypical lunatic who is "off the meds" so to speak. but it is not constant as it was. i am not consumed every other minute with thoughts on IF. and i can bring myself back to a happy place pretty quickly.

but now i wait, as i pop my birth control pills, to get back"on the meds." 8 days to lupron. let the floodgates open.

sadness.

i feel completely overwhelmed with sadness the past couple of days. my heart is actually aching.

although we tried on our own for 9 months, then for the past 17 with assistance (including a few natural cycles in between), i truly believed we would get pregnant again. of course, i had many breakdowns thinking 'what if we don't?' but in the back of mind, deep in my heart, i figured we just needed a little bit of help. i thought it wasn't our time, when it was, it would happen. i knew it could happen, because it did. and now i feel it can't.

i feel suddenly claustrophobic that i am out of options. sure, we have ICSI to try later this summer, and i am very hopeful, i just have a gut feeling that we are done.

and suddenly faced with the reality that we could move to donor eggs or adoption, i realize these are not options i am (yet?) comfortable with.

reactions

now i know.

i will not be so open about what we are going through regarding IF and treatment. especially something like IVF. it was just so time consuming, and emotional.

i thought about it constantly.

and i talk constantly.

so it was inevitable that i would mention it. to pretty much everyone.

people just do. not. know. what to say. and i understand, i really do. (except when they tell me to "let it go.") but nothing anyone says can/will make me feel better. no one will understand why i/we need to grieve. not everyone understands all that is involved in these treatments. no one knows when it is time to stop, except us.

a few of the things i did not want to hear, but did:

"well, you can do it again." just like a botched haircut or failed drivers license test! no actually, but if you want to know what is IVF like, here you go: weeks/months of birth control pills, and dozens of shots and dozens of pills resulting in anything from migraines/hot flashes to hormonal rage, a dozen or more vag-cam appointments (or, if you prefer, dildo-cam) and blood draws. and it costs an immeasurable amount of emotion/pain/frustration/sadness/madness. not to mention money, much more for many others than me in mass where it's largely covered. i can not even writing that 5-figure check. it is tolling on your physical body, your emotional body, your marriage and all of your relationships, and life in general.

"just know it is in god's hands." actually, it is not. it is in the hands of the doctors, nurses, coordinators, anesthesiologist and embroyologist at mass general. i understand why people say this but i am feeling if prayers could make a baby, i would be all set. i'm not say9ing don't pray but try praying that i find peace with the outcome of this entire journey.

"at least you guys are young." actually, V is going to be 43 this year. and neither one of us wants to be elderly when our kid graduates. from high school. and i am going to be 33 this year. and want to get back into the workforce. before i am fifty.

"at least you have M." yeah, no shit. again. and again. i still think it is harder on a level because i know what the journey from pregnancy to birthing a live child is like. the pure joy. it is addicting.

WTFX2

so i had 2 WTFs yesterday.

WTF#1. my doctor called at 9:45. he was not returning my call, he called first. i was happy about this. he said more of the same, but was encouraging/caring/hopeful. he really made me feel better.

he said this busted cycle would be used as diagnostic cycle, they now assume there is problem with receptors on eggs, although they are not ever sure why eggs don't fertilize. he thinks we can/will achieve success with ICSI, and asked that i not give up.

he did say we would need to take a cycle off. i asked if possible to get on with the BCP next period as i have opportunity to get back to work in september and he actually considered (or pretended to) as i did not start the progesterone this cycle (for whatever that matters, i do not know).

so anyway, i am feeling ok today. each day healing a bit more from this cycle, but i cry/sob/tear up when i think of how my body is preventing this. how i can not provide V with the family we dreamed of and how M may never have a sibling. i can not help but picture an egg with a thick shell, not opening up/letting anyone in and think that is sometimes how i am as a person and maybe that is why my eggs are hostile.

but on to WTF#2. my MIL.

first, V's family knows we are having troble getting PG and seeking assistance, but not much else. well, we invited his folks down for a visit and they sat with M while we went for retrieval. we had to tell them i was having minor procedure/surgery. later she asked what and i told her, vaguely. she then asked how much she could tell the rest of the family (why she would want to do this is beyond me, but whatever).

i told her best to let V handle with his own siblings. she pushed a little saying everyone would wonder why they rushed down (we asked on thursday) but i was pretty firm she should not say anything.

(also, know that if V asked them to drive into a brick wall, they would.)

so yesterday i sent a thank-you-for-helping email, reiterating. this is what i wrote:

"thank you again for coming down. it made me much more relaxed able to have V there with me. we did not get good news yesterday so we will likley not spread news about this with rest of family (as you asked about).
the flowers are more gorgeous today, so at least i have something else beautiful to enjoy!"

her reply:

"i am sorry to hear you had bad news. i don't know what to say. for you and V have tried so hard and so much, as hard as it is to say it, please let it go and as we know you will, give all the love and careing you have to M. he is so precious. he is truly a gift from god......."

OK.

1. she would have NO idea what the bad news could/would be and definitely NO idea how long/hard we have been trying.

2. if you don't have something nice to say, don't!

3. careing does not have an "e."

4. and why the "please?" is she actually begging us to "let it go"?

i am beyond pissed/upset/disgusted.

in full disclosure, she did send a message a bit later saying maybe she said something she shouldn't have. fine, whatever.

thank you for letting me vent. (can't talk about with V bc any negative discussion about his parents ingnites HUGE arguments bc he will never admit they were wrong/hurtful etc. bc they are perfect.)

bigger problems

to say i am devasted, or heart broken, or completely broken inside, would be an understatement. i should have known after 9 failed IUIs. i always had at least 1 or 2 good eggs, and V's sperm was always fine. it could not be a timing issue 9 times, could it? not to count all the natural cycles...i knew it had to be something else.

"i'm afraid i do not have good news." the doctor who performed the ER on saturday had looked a little shaggy on saturday, quite unshaven with scraggly gray hair, and now sounded grim. i knew immediately.

"i am a bit shocked, but not one egg fertilized." he went on about how they checked first thing in the morning and then again in early afternoon, how this is sign of bigger issue, not give up hope, but i did not hear him through my gigantic silent sob.

"stop all medication and call Dr. XX tomorrow to schedule a follow-up appointment."


i had been completely delighted. 25 eggs, a 5-day transfer (predicted post retrieval), this was going to be great. even if not successful we would likely have embryos to freeze.

i fell off cloud 9 and got hurt. i just need to get up, brush myself off and heal. and i will.

but for now i am lost. i feel utterly hopeless. even V was quite distraught, which is unusual. i think he finally realized, as i crumpled onto the floor in tears, that our situation is dire. we got pregnant naturally with M, on a total TTC break--no period, no charting days, no ovulation kits, nothing. we had sex just ONE TIME over a several week period (as he was on the road a ton for work and i was working 10-15 hours a day). i joined him on a trip out of NYC, we rented a cabin at a resort in upstate new york, we ate a fabulous meal, drank entirely too much wine and just had a great night by ourselves. so he just assumed it would happen again. that it could happen again.

now i know it won't. that it can't. and while i feel sad/destroyed/wounded now.

25 eggs retrieved.

zero fertilization.

it's time.

so i had over 22 follicles to count today. a couple over 20 but most others b/t 14-18. doctor says i will likely trigger tonight, with ER on saturday morning. my lining is 11 which she said is great. doctor seemed to think all was fabulous/perfect. if this does not work, i will hopefully resign to the fact that it is completely out of my control.

all is fine except for scheduling.

first V is speaking at a dinner tonight. i think the trigger will pretty late however as ER's begin at 10 on saturdays.

and saturday we will both need to be at clinic...without sweet M. this is when not living near my mom makes me sad. i will have to find a friend to drop him off with and have V pick him up when his "job" is done.

and V is going to be OOT on tuesday which will hopefully be the day-3 transfer. he already rescheduled this meeting 2X (once due to this cycle), so i hate to ask him to do it again. especially as he is building quite a practice for himself now and woul dneed to be in office anyway.

so i am thinking of seeing if we could fly my mom up to help on tuesday. she could take M to playground/museum etc. and i could follow the rest-of-day bedrest instructions without panicking that i am going to knock anything loose (which i know is not possible but still fret about month after month whether it is IUI or natural cycle.) flights are about $800 now which sucks.

V's family is closer but his folks are older and not able to chase M around. it is sad but we are both a bit uncomfortable leaving a very/super/uber active toddler with them. more out of concern for their safety than his i think! and in fairness to M, he does need to run around a bit each day. we may invite them for friday night and let them hang in apartment with M while we go....who knows.

i am just going to wait for the call confirming the trigger is tonight.

in the meantime, i am completely petrified this will not work. or my follies will not have eggs. or the eggs will not be mature. or not fertilize or etc. etc. etc.

cycle day 15 update

so today is day 12 of stims and my gonal-f dose for tonight will be lowered to 37.5 and repronex stays at 75.

E2 was 1,857 -- which may be the highest ever in all 10 medicated cycles over the 1.5 years. i can not remember the lining measurement from this morning but think it was approx. 9mm.

back tomorrow at 7:00 for u/s and blood. sigh. and yippee.

waiting. and waiting.

this morning was my 22nd lupron shot. yesterday was day 11 of stims (gonal-f and repronex). i am now waiting for the call with my "instructions" after my 6th date with the vag-cam since start these meds.

i have 15+ measurable follicles (actually lost count) and many smaller. the largest were a 14 and a 15 and there were approximately 8 at 10/11 with a few in between. the doctor said i would likely trigger tomorrow or friday. although i do not want to wait longer than i have to, it seems a bit soon. the follies only grow 1-2mm a day and aren't we looking for sizes closer to 20, or larger??

i can't wait to not be bloated. (or probably just fat as i have not stopped eating for -- umm, when did i start birth control pills?? oh, on 4/10. seriously, it is only 1pm and i had a chunk of watermelon for breakfast before my 7am appointment. then a small pancake that M did not eat. with butter of course. a wedge of a leftover cubano from last night. a slice of cheese. and i just polished off a bowl of cereal.)

i can not wait for this to be over. this IVF cycle. this whole TTC saga. i can not wait for this whole infertility business to be part of my history. pregnant or not. win or lose. i will be able to say i tried everything.

i am tired of explaining what IVF is. and why it takes so long. and why there are no guarantees. and that i will not be the next octo-mom. or even close.

i can't wait until i start planning for a new baby. or planning a kick-ass vacation to mark the end of this journey.

i can not fast forward this process. or slow it down. so for now i will wait. for something completely out of my control...

for the instructions from my nurse.
then for the egg retrieval.
then for the fertilization report.
then hopefully, the transfer.
then the awful/dreaded/torturous TWW.
then the results.

and either way, win or lose, i will have to wait some more.

miscarriage v. IVF

one of my bestest friends called me several weeks ago to tell me she had been trying to conceive for 5 months. no, i was not annoyed/jealous/sad bc i love her and want her to have a beautiful family. we chatted for a while and i assured her it would happen (how i did this i do not know...) and we have not spoke since.

until friday. when i saw her number on the id i knew she was pregnant. we chatted for a minute or two and she asked when "the big (ivf) day" was....then i asked how her TTC was coming.

as predicted, she and hubby P got pregnant.

and then miscarried at ~6 weeks.

it sucks. i actually cried a bit as she told me. i do not wish infertility on anyone. (except maybe the crack whores i see with 5 kiddies on the subway.) i especially do not want anyone i love to experience this horrible hell.

but as we were talking about her miscarriage, and my own if struggle, i could not help be a tad jealous of her.

yes, seriously. i am really that pathetic/desperate/crazed. yes, i am jealous of a miscarriage.

my reasoning is: she got pregnant. in little time. with no drugs/needles/pills/exams/crazy IF bullshit. she did not suffer through 27 TWWs, examining every single cramp/twinge/pain. she did not have to get her blood drawn 15X a cycle. meet the dildo-cam. (until post miscarriage.)

and she will get pregnant again. this i really truly hope.

dr. google

so i have been ferociously googling anything and everything that will prepare me for a canceled cycle.

my own doctor's office has not suggested we might cancel, they only say non-comforting things such as "time will tell" or "we are on the slow and steady route." but i am certain my numbers are horrid. i only hope we can do the retrieval and hope for an FET next month. or at the very least, an IUI this month.

dr. google on the other hand has me just about convinced we will not be able to move ahead with our first IVF. seems i was definitely not aware of how pitiful IVF success rates are with a too-thin uterine lining. (if your lining is very thin i do not suggest typing "thin uterine lining IVF" or "IVF success thin uterine lining" into your google search box.)

then i found this: http://www.sart.org/find_frm.html

these are IVF success rates from SART (Society of Reproductive Technologies). i looked up my clinic and selected the "unknown" diagnosis. then "uterine". then "multiple female factors."

the outcome is grim. pregnancy rates are around 50% except when infertility factor is noted as uterine. then it drops to 33%.

after a whole hour, on a gorgeous spring day in boston, spent surfing IVF info on the web, i now plan to ask dr. goog about early symptoms of insanity.

second iVF monitoring

8 small follicles on right and 12 on left. nothing large enough to measure still. i am terrified as tonight is day 6 of stimming. shouldn't there be at least one or two dominating by now?

lining still very thin ... 3 today and was 3.5-4 on tuesday. doctor did not seem concerned.

e2 level was only 69.

i was a bit concerned this cycle will not play out but the in-room doctor said we should be ok and just moving slow and steady. dosages stay at 112.5 gonal-f and 75 repronex.

it is hard to not be upset about this. i am having a lot of anxiety about IVF not working. i have felt my ovaries responding with all other meds in other cycles and i barely feel a cramp now.

good thing weather is supposed to be nice this weekend...hopefully i can think about other things with my family and try to enjoy the long weekend.

ignorance and infertility

after my appointment i squeezed my fat ass into some new clothes and brought M around on our daily playground/playdate run. no time to be upset. thankfully i have the best little guy to get me through these times. i do not want to cry or be sad in front of him. he deserves a fun mom who will tickle and chase him around the sandbox.

then some stupid moronic mother starts chatting me up with her 3-month old snuggled in her bjorn and her 17-month old wobbling around the playground. and what is she saying as i silently nod my head and try my best to appear aloof and completely disinterested? she is saying what a royal pain in the ass it is to have 2 small children so she is putting them in pre-school/day care FULL TIME so she can work PART TIME and "actually sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee".

and when i said M was only going 2 half days a week she actually said - in complete shock/disgust - "on my god, why??"

look asshole. you got pregnant a month or so before we started trying. and have had TWO children since. i may never have another although i have not stopped trying since. and if i do i will never. ever. ever. complain about how hard it is because INFERTILITY IS HARDER. it is harder than anything i have ever done or been faced with. my whole fucking life is on hold. i am emotionally a mess. i am physically a mess (hence the fat ass noted above). so if i want to spend another year with my only son in the playgrounds, i do not want to listen to you bitch bitch bitch about your children.

of course i did not say that, but i wanted to. and of course i do not expect her to know that a complete stranger is struggling with IF, but give me a break. no one wants to hear anyone complain about their kids. especially at the playground by some bitch in chanel loafers.

day 3 scan

"lining too thin."

"several small on left."

"right side still quiet."

that sums up my 7:oo appointment.

nurse just called back and said E2 = 20. not so good. she instructed me to up the gonal-f to 112.5 and i will go back on thursday.

i am not a chemist. i do not know what the fuck a CC is and i don't want to know. i do not want to mix drugs and try to figure out half of a dose using the dilutant from the reponrex to make the gonal-f. i do not want to inject myself with anymore CCs. this is simply bullshit.

and i know it is not going to work because my numbers are always the same. the estrogen is always too low. and i never have big follicles so they increase meds and keep on truckin' on until a few show up. then they are probably sucky quality. if they do not overstimulate and force me to sit a couple cycles out. i hate my body. i hate ivf. i hate the universe and whatever is making this happen to us.

it is so fucking unfair. yet i keep doing it. just waiting for the same devastation/disappointment/anger/sadness. again. and again. 28 times this will be in 26 months, i think. who can remember and who wants to look back through three calendars.

ivf injection blooper #1

due in large part to BCPs and lupron: i have been a bear/pill/witch/bitch lately. i am crabby/tired/sad/enraged and i take it out on V -- although he does cause a bit of my frustration with his lack of support. well his parents just moved back home (upstate NY) after spending the winter in FL and i thought it would be nice for V to surprise them with a visit.
*we chose to surprise for two reasons: 1. so they would not run around trying to unpack and clean--they are in late 70s and coming off a two-day car journey and 2. V's brother was having everyone up for dinner so his parents could take it easy and not worry about dinner.

i did have to pack and plan for my first gonal-f/repronex injection that evening. if you have not done it before, you get a couple of vials and needles for each drug. (one needle to mix and one to inject with.) but on saturday night i slipped away unnoticed to my niece's bathroom and unpacked the drugs from my purse. after a minute all was mixed and ready for the injection.

but...i have never injected this much fluid -- 1 cc -- and was a bit scared. i also usually ice for a minute but did not have a cube. managed to get the needle in and pushed the plunger.

nothing.

it would not push in. i did not want to take out and re-try because i have irrational fear of dull needles due in large part to the informational board at my cvs magnifying the tips of used needles. i started getting frantic and hot, so took off my sweater with needle stuck in thigh. i called down to V for an ice cube. i finally pushed as hard as i could using both hands. it was first time i actually bled after shot. i hurriedly packed up the three vials, the mixing needle tips, and the syringe so no one would be the wiser and went downstairs for dinner. perfect until...

saturday morning i am hungover. i unpack purse and roundup injection stuff so M will not get into it. where is the syringe? i rifle through purse. i empty purse. i look in empty purse again. no syringe. i must have left on windowsill. in 17 year old niece's bathroom.

V's family does not know what we are going though. long story short i nervously wait until 9am to call my sister in law. tell her i may have left syringe in her daughter's bathroom. have to explain why i have syringe. and of course...

i find syringe on floor of car later in morning.

this is why i do not like to travel during an injectible cycle.

please try to understand

to my darling V. i know i have been intolerable lately but..

please do not ask who told me life is fair? i know we have no control over the situation, but i need to grieve in my own way. yes, grieve. for the children i wanted. and should have. and for those who have them when they probably shouldn't. let me get pissed when i see a mother screaming at her son on the train. or when a pregnant lady is pushing her double stroller. don't roll your eyes.

hug me. even just once in a while. you must see a pathetic, blubbering mess when you look at me but that is only a tiny portion of how i actually feel. please just hold me and tell me it will be ok.

do not ever, ever, ever agin tell me you are "fine with just M". especially not now as i am struggling so. we decided together to pursue this fight through the summer and i need you to get on board with this IVF. like now.

do not tell me "motherhood is the most important job" when i tell you i am bored and need to do something else. i love mothering M but need something to stimulate me/challenge me. i miss working and could use some time on my own. and M would flourish in preschool/daycare.

and lastly, just love me. that is what i need most.

thankfully i have M to smother me (literally) with kisses and hugs for now.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

i am full of sadness this week. i feel lonely. i am terrified that we will not have any eggs. or none will mature. or fertilize. i am not ready to move on from TTC but so ready for this to end.

i read another woman's blog who had a large number of eggs retrieved last week, and had all of them mature and a few embryos to freeze. she had 2 transfered. i really hope it works for her because she is just 2 weeks or so ahead of me and i love reading her story. i want a lot of eggs retrieved. i want 2 transfered. i want a BFP two weeks later than her.

although this is my first IVF, i am certain it will fail. i am praying/pleading/hoping that we can freeze a few embryos so i can at least try an FET before doing it again. to spare myself at least part of the IVF protocol next month.

mothers and sons and us falling apart

before my son was born all of my in-laws became obsessed with the fact that i was not going to breastfeed*. my sister in laws would gently suggest i at least try it. my mother in law would just shake her head as if my unborn son simply had no chance of survival. "i breastfed all six of my kids." yeah, and probably until they were twelve.

*(and yes, i know it is reported/proven that breastfeeding is healthier. it is a personal decision and i chose not to breastfeed. my son is as healthy as they get at 2.5 years. i think safe to say he is going to pull through.)

a few hours after his birth, MIL was holding M as he fussed and wiggled trying to navigate the tiny bottle into his mouth and actually said something to the effect of: "oh he just doesn't want this." note emphasis on this. as in putrid, unnatural baby formula. this was while holding him for the first time.

he was 6 hours old for christs sake. he does not know the difference between the tiny, yellow rubber nipple and the gigantic, pink one attached to my chest. (sorry, tmi, but they were huge.)

that one statement really, truly ruined the moment we introduced M to V's parents for me. my mother, who shot me a 'let it go' look when i instictively turned to her, heard it too. V miraculously did not. nor did he hear any of the others since.

most recently, we lugged our kid down to visit them in FL in march. as i was microwaving his mac-n-cheese MIL tells FIL (again in earshot of me and V) "oh, it's that processed stuff again."

now you must know 2 things.

1. i completely obsess of M's diet. i put a shot of veggie juice into his juice. that is already watered down. he has been eating hummus and olives and peanut butter and tofu and beans since he started eating. his pancakes/meatballs/soups are infused with veggie or fruit puree. he only has a "treat" a couple times a week and only if he eats well beforehand. the mac-n-cheese in question is sort of gross (and oh so yummy) but travels easily. and i doctored it up with half a container of butternut squash and chopped turkey.

2. my in-laws eat horribly. they are both are overweight. FIL had an emergency quadruple bypass at 70-ish. MIL has had type II diabetes for 15 or 2o years. she particularly is in poor health with circulation, knee and back problems that are no doubt a direct result of her weight and/or diabetes. and out of their 6 kids, 4 were fat children and two remain obese--yes, obese--into adulthood.

i would never point this out, at least to anyone other than my sister...but V could and should. instead he acts like he doesn't hear, or forgets that i asked him to stick up for me, or didn't think that was what she said. and fine. boys love their moms. but at what point does wife get to the same level as mom*? it pisses me off that she is always critical but pisses me off even more that V ignores it.

i know i have been unbearble the past year plus. i have been lingering just above rock bottom for a few months now. our sex life is shot. and V has been asking me to book a babysitter for the last few weeks so we can have a date night. i am sure this is an attempt to get us back on track, but i can not do much more beyond the lone unreturned voicemail i left a gal who sat for us once. i do not want to. i need to be loved right now. i need to be cuddled. i need to be part of a couple who wants this together. i need V to ask me how i'm doing. to hug me. to understand.

i hope one day M will love his wife. no. matter. what. i hope i can teach him the simple power of a hug.

(*in fairness to V, he did get involved once when MIL actually asked him to intervene when she wanted to give M a thanksgiving turkey leg to gnaw on. and i said no. five times. and she insited bc she gave all of her grandkids a turkey leg to gnaw on. she was so mad she actually asked V if she could do it. and he sided with the mother. of his son. yes, me. me who thought it was gross to have a 13 month old baby slobber on a turkey leg.)

what plan?

what happended to my plan? we were supposed to have 2 or 6 children. (i always wanted 2 and V wanted 6. although now, if it were actually up to us, he would be fine with 1 or 2 and i would like 3 or 4.) i was going to stay at home with them for a few years, get them off to daycare/preschool and get back to work.

before M came along i worked on and planned events in large hotels. six-figure weddings/400 person conferences/presidential visits/galas/fundraisers...you name it. it was loooooong hours and many nights and weekends. it was 17 days straight. i was always exhausted after work but i was in love with it. there is something wonderful about a job that allows you to see the final product. to see all that you have worked for. at washington, dc's (in)famous mayflowe.r hotel i spent a couple of years in the department responsible for setting up banquet rooms, staffing the events and making sure all runs on schedule. we would have 1 hour to turn the grand ballroom from a schoolroom set-up for 200 people, to a wedding for 300 with rented chairs, votive candles and huge florals. we would set this up as the guests were mingling about the cocktail hour just across the hall. we would descend on the room like an army when the meeting was over, sweeping the tables clear of pads/pencils/glasses/water pitchers/trash/table linens. we would stack the chairs 10 high and roll them out on dollys. we would fold and remove the rectangular tables as the new 6 foot rounds were being rolled in per the heavily distributed diagram. everyone had their job and we were never late. we would toil/sweat/curse/shout and then high-five each other as we did our final inspection with 15 minutes to spare. muscles aching, i would stand on the balcony and watch the mother of the bride, the wedding planner and eventually everyone else gush in amazement as they entered the transformed ballroom. that was it: job done. mission accomplished. on to the next task. or a glass of wine with the boss. or 15 beers with my coworkers. and it was all worth it.

the job of mom is much different. yes, i am always busy but the tasks are never checked complete. the day never ends but it is not the same fast-paced style. i spend hours every day not doing much: watching M line up the large trucks around the playground/or filling the dump trucks with wood chips/or chasing squirrels and pigeons. i scold him for taking toys from others. i step over him when he has a tantrum at cvs. or whole foods. or anywhere else. i hug him when he cries. i applaud him every time he deserves it. i sing silly songs and make silly crafts. i read the same books again and again and again. i spend an hour every single day bathing him..watching him play in the water, moiturizing his skin and dressing him in pj's. many times after wrestling him to bed, i pour an extra glass of wine and as i put my feet up i hear him move to his doorway and say "mama, hug mama". and i get up to put him down again.

and i love every minute of it.

but i am not a stay at home mom. i can not see myself staying home for the next two, five or ten years once M is in school. if i had M, and a 1 year old, and one on the way, and was devoting 7 or 8 years to raising the kids and getting them in school, it would be great. there would be a plan. but i can not have a plan because every time i re-think our lives, IF gets in the way.

i worked part time for a year beginning when M was about three months old. i signed a 12 month contract, foolishly thinking i would get pregnant at some point in 2007 and all would work out perfectly.

when contract ended, i was in the thick of treatment with my nyc clinic. certainly i would be pregnant by spring of 2008. (or summer.)

then we moved to boston mid-summer last year. perfect time to enroll M in nursery school and find myself a job. but no, i excitedly signed up with new clinic and knew i would be pregnant by year's end.

now, almost a year later--and just about midway through 2009--i find myself exactly where i was when we started trying for #2.

except without the job.

or the plan.

mommy's little piggy

my son is sick.

sweet M has been hacking/coughing/choking since thursday. his nose has actually blown mucous bubbles after a fierce sneeze. he has been crying alot. and napping a lot. and snuggling his mama a lot. he has been feverish.

i brough him to the doctor on friday and because he had a cough and the doctor office/city/world is scared of the swine flu, they asked me to put a mask on M. yes, a mask that covers most of his face. on a toddler. toddlers do not like this at all.

now, i did not think he has the swine flu. or any flu. i have convinced myself he has allergies but deep down i know it is a virus he will need to ride out. but.....with the 'beware the swine flu' notices plastered around the medical center and cautious masked patients waiting for the elevators, i begin to let down my guard (common sense).

could it be? no. maybe? no. even though there was a cluster of cases at harvard dental (where is that anyway)? no. even though we were on an airplane (to and from DC. almost 2 weeks ago)? no.even though he licked the back of a restaurant chair before i coudl stop him? no.

so i focus on not mentioning swine flu or H1n1 or flu or anything near flu.

then the doctor comes out and what do i say to M?

"come on little piggy." yes, i called my son piggy for the first time ever.

then in an effort to make it seem as though i call him that always i proceed to say "piggy" no less than 6 times during the 10 minute appointment:

"do not lick the wall piggy/get off the floor piggy/who's mommy's little piggy."

subfertile? i hope!

i follow many IF blogs religiously. i truly feel hope and disappointment for the brave ladies who bare their souls while suffering defeat from IF. i have dozens of blogs bookmarked, and check in all the time. i am not ready to share my thoughts with the entire blogosphere, but i feel the need to get this off my chest...

the author of a blog i follow has recently ended her TTC journey. she has not gotten pregnant. she does not have a child. i can not imagine her pain/suffering/anguish. recently a woman made a comment on said blog that: "one IVF does not make you infertile. maybe subfertile, but no infertile." the author agreed that if you have success you are not infertile.

first, note that i truly understand this woman is in the depths of depression. she makes note of problems with her marriage/family/friends.

second, i can not imagine life without M. however if - 5 years later - he had not come along, i am certain i would be single/miserable/isolated/alone/depressed.

but, i am infertile. and so are the thousands and thousands of other women out there who can not get pregnant on their own/easily/at all.

while i do know the joy of being pregnant, experiencing childbirth and cradling our own son,
i still suffer every day.

i still hurt every day. i still cry every day.

my own marriage is in a rut. my husband does not want to continue ttc and i do not want to stop. no one in my real life world understands me at all. no one. not even when i am crying and trying to explain. i hear the same bullshit as everyone else: 'try relaxing/it will happen/isn't M enough/it took me 6 months to get pregnant naturally/blah blah blah."

while i wake up each day to my son peering in my face/licking my nose/screaming from his own bed i still feel lonely. even though he makes me happier than ever, i still feel broken. even though i birthed him, i still hate my body. and i blame god/myself/everybody/nobody.

i hate women with babies. especially when they have more than one. i hate pregnant women. especially when they are carrying twins.

i still can not get pregnant. 27 cycles and no baby. 9 IUI's and no baby. hundreds of at-home OPK's and nothing. drugs, drugs, ultrasounds,bloodwork and more drugs...still just "unexplained" infertility and no other baby.

but explained or not, it is infertility. i am sorry for authors story and will continue to pray and hope for her. i hope she finds peace.

and i hope my first IVF is my only IVF and that it works. if that makes me subfertile, i will take it.