reactions

now i know.

i will not be so open about what we are going through regarding IF and treatment. especially something like IVF. it was just so time consuming, and emotional.

i thought about it constantly.

and i talk constantly.

so it was inevitable that i would mention it. to pretty much everyone.

people just do. not. know. what to say. and i understand, i really do. (except when they tell me to "let it go.") but nothing anyone says can/will make me feel better. no one will understand why i/we need to grieve. not everyone understands all that is involved in these treatments. no one knows when it is time to stop, except us.

a few of the things i did not want to hear, but did:

"well, you can do it again." just like a botched haircut or failed drivers license test! no actually, but if you want to know what is IVF like, here you go: weeks/months of birth control pills, and dozens of shots and dozens of pills resulting in anything from migraines/hot flashes to hormonal rage, a dozen or more vag-cam appointments (or, if you prefer, dildo-cam) and blood draws. and it costs an immeasurable amount of emotion/pain/frustration/sadness/madness. not to mention money, much more for many others than me in mass where it's largely covered. i can not even writing that 5-figure check. it is tolling on your physical body, your emotional body, your marriage and all of your relationships, and life in general.

"just know it is in god's hands." actually, it is not. it is in the hands of the doctors, nurses, coordinators, anesthesiologist and embroyologist at mass general. i understand why people say this but i am feeling if prayers could make a baby, i would be all set. i'm not say9ing don't pray but try praying that i find peace with the outcome of this entire journey.

"at least you guys are young." actually, V is going to be 43 this year. and neither one of us wants to be elderly when our kid graduates. from high school. and i am going to be 33 this year. and want to get back into the workforce. before i am fifty.

"at least you have M." yeah, no shit. again. and again. i still think it is harder on a level because i know what the journey from pregnancy to birthing a live child is like. the pure joy. it is addicting.