i was fine.

so my mom and her sister came to visit. the first night i broke down in tears after some completely harmless teasing, so now they too think i am crazy...

then today a cousin from CT came to show off her new baby. a boy who is 5.5 months. i am sure i have mentioned this cousin earlier. she got married a month after we started TTC #2, got pregnant soon after, and now has an almost 6 month old.

my mom was worried i would be upset, or maybe she thought i not be able to function around this new baby. he was a funny looking baby, but cute. and i was fine, held him and oohed over him. and i'm genuinely happy for the mother, a once introverted girl a bit older than me, who we all thought would never marry, let alone have children. and she was positively over the moon and i was so happy to see her this way. and i do not want her baby. or any other baby i meet. i want my own. one like M. and i am hurting for one of my own. and because i can not simply make another.

all was really fine as we pushed our strollers all around town and let the older ladies play with them, and put blankets on them, and suggest why they might be fussy. i was fine and it was a beautiful day until i was alone with cousin. and we were sharing stories about or respective c-sections and she mentioned it was not as bad as her earlier abdominal surgery. and i simply asked "what for, appendicitis?"

no, of course not. even though everyone has abdominal surgery to have their ruptured appendix removed, H had a fallopian tube removed ten years ago bc of a cyst.

and still ovulates every month.

and still conceived totally naturally.

in less than a year.

all while i have been trying. and trying. and trying.

thank goodness i was wearing sunglasses because that was the end of my coping.

and after a tearful goodbye to my mom, who i wish could stay for a few more months, i am fine.

but it might be the almost entire bottle of wine.