sadness.

i feel completely overwhelmed with sadness the past couple of days. my heart is actually aching.

although we tried on our own for 9 months, then for the past 17 with assistance (including a few natural cycles in between), i truly believed we would get pregnant again. of course, i had many breakdowns thinking 'what if we don't?' but in the back of mind, deep in my heart, i figured we just needed a little bit of help. i thought it wasn't our time, when it was, it would happen. i knew it could happen, because it did. and now i feel it can't.

i feel suddenly claustrophobic that i am out of options. sure, we have ICSI to try later this summer, and i am very hopeful, i just have a gut feeling that we are done.

and suddenly faced with the reality that we could move to donor eggs or adoption, i realize these are not options i am (yet?) comfortable with.