forgotten?

all is great. most everything is back to perfect...my version of perfect anyway.

babies are growing like weeds. i occasionally get a twinge for one more baby, hopefully a girl. yes. true. until i remember. it is not (really) up to me/us if we want more children. and i know i will never ever do IVF again. the mere thought of the semi-full needle recepticle in my cabinet makes me cringe. i will never give myself another PIO shot. or subcutaneous shot. not for a baby.

i know i will forever remember that time in my life. and be grateful each day for these 3 beautiful children. three! i have 3 children. but know i am in a good place. am a great mom again.

life is good.

sell out

i feel like a sell out. i am happy. my babies are 8 weeks (and two days) old and i am in love. sweet M is a nightmare--he is not coping with new ones and the subsequent decrease in attention well--but i know he'll get over it. we are not sleeping much, but i know that changes with time. it is utterly blissful.

i do not think about IF every day. or every other day. it is no longer ruling/ruining my life. yes, i am done having kids, and will always be upset about how i had to come to that decision, but fine. i have three beautiful children. i am lucky. not every one is so lucky. and i know this and i know the pain involved in getting my family and i can not believe i have let it slide to the back of my mind.

but i do not want to think about it all the time. one year ago we were getting ready for our egg retrieval that would subsequently yield zero fertilization. i was about to be completely devastated. i was not being the best mom i could be. i could not imagine being happy again. and yet i am. and it is awesome.

i pray that all couples dealing with this can find peace. and happiness. and their family.

yes, i pray again. read "the shack." it is best book ever when you are dealing with something difficult. it is helping me restore and find anew my faith. it makes sense to me and helps makes sense of this shit i went through.

family

when do you know yours is complete? i would have more children. there, i said it. why more when we have three healthy, beautiful boys? because:

i would love a little girl.
we have 2 frozen embryos.
i love my babies and am in awe of my 3 year old. i would love to watch more grow up.

but:
we are getting too old (33 and 43).
we love to travel.
i do not want little kiddies when V is in his late 50's or sixties.
risk of complications rises drastically with third c-section (as told to me by my nurse as i was being prepped for surgery).

and lastly, i feel complete as a family. not sure when it happened, possibly last night as i crawled into bed after putting my three (!) sons to bed. or at the park yesterday rocking the stroller and watching V chase sweet M around and dreaming of the days when we will be cheering them on from the sidelines. or maybe when i think of owning a house. a single family, "real" house. in the suburbs where a yellow bus picks my kids up for school. and where we have a swing set in the backyard. and a grill and drink beers on the deck while they run around. maybe even with a dog.

but now i feel complete. at peace with the journey i traveled to get here in hopes it made me stronger. at relief that i do not have to do it again.

i feel sad for the couples out there that have to deal with infertility of any sort. the wanting and the waiting. the hoping and hurting. i used to be irked by a couple of friends of mine who were trying to get pregnant. one had a miscarriage at 7 or 8 weeks, and then tried for 5 or 6 months before getting pregnant again. the other has 2 boys and wants to be pregnant again. it took three months to get pregnant with #2 and they have tried 2 months for #3. and i would be so jealous listening to their complaining/hurting/impatience etc. at least you can get pregnant. but now, since who knows when, i understand. because i was there.

waaaaaaay back when, i was trying naturally and nothing was happening. and i was frustrated. and then concerned. and although i ultimately needed more assistance than my friends, it did not hurt any more or less. it just got more desperate. and i became less hopeful and more scared. and depressed and angry and everything else that comes with infertility.

and just like that my thoughts have wandered away from my beautiful family. i hope these feelings will eventually be forgotten. or at least locked away somewhere. somewhere not so close to my surface. just so i can focus on my little family without always being reminded of the hurt it took to get here.

blessed

at 37 weeks, 4 days we delivered two gorgeous, precious little boys. J and B are just perfect and i am hanging in there. my hormones are out of whack, but that will go away. my belly is just gross, but that too will change back. i am exhausted, in love and so happy.

i cried in the delivery room tears of joy of course, but also tears of relief. this journey is over. my babies are screaming and my stomach is being stitched back up. forever. although i have wrestled with the thought of having one more child, having always thought 4 would be great, and just love the thought of a little girl baby, i know this is not a path i will take again.

the pain of infertility is still fresh, the scars still healing, and i want to move on. and spend my sleepless nights hugging my boys and loving them, not begging god that this will be the month. no. from now on, i hope my tears are the joyous type only.

full term with twins.

i never thought i would make it here. but tomorrow i will be 37 weeks pregnant. with two seemingly healthy baby boys. who are already out of preemie weight.

besides people telling me i do not look pregnant with twins and asking how i did it (i eat and eat and eat and eat. i worked hard to get here and did not try to gain little weight so i find the question a bit offensive) everyone wants to know "what are you going to do?"

well, i am going to be over the moon. i am going to cry (i almost do just thinking about meeting these two new babies). i am going to thank god and the universe every day for giving me more children. i am going to remember forever the journey that got me here. i am going to pray for the healing of my emotional scars and my marriage and our health and the health of our children. i am going to pursuade V to donate our frozen embryos to another couple. i am going to be a stronger mother. a more grateful person. a more guarded person. i am going to wonder forever why these children were not "meant to be" and if we forced them into this existence. and i am going to live every minute for them.

i know the asker is wondering if we have two cribs or if we will be leaving the city or whether we know what we are in for or if we will be hiring help. and i know that and i answer appropriately. do i know the answers to these questions? no. it is hard to worry about the small things right now when i am feeling so overwhelmed with happiness. i truly feel blessed.

april 9 is our actual due date. april 10 marks three years to the first cycle day 1 that we started trying for another child. sweet M was not even 6 months old, but knowing how hard it was to have him, we did not care if they would be too close together. he is almost 3.5 now and has been the best. thing. ever. to happen to me. and all during the worst times of my life. without him, i am pretty certain my marriage would not have survived. i am not even sure i would have made it without his cute face and ever growing personality. who knows where i would be.

for now, i am full term with twins. i am ecstatic and can not wait to meet them. for M to meet his brothers. and to put this crazy chapter behind me. i am trying to be more positive in life. i am just feeling blessed right now.

not complaining again

but boy am i miserable. this is physically much harder than first pregnancy, especially when i am (still) a nervous wreck. the last three nights i was certain i was beginning labor, then would freak out a bit because i do not know what "going into labor" really means...does water always break? do you have to lose the mucuous plug? what is difference between real and fake contractions? is my back pain worsening?

and part of me just wants them to be born, even if still a week or two earlier than ideal, because i know they are alive and kicking (literally). and they both weighed in at over 5 lbs. 10 days ago, so i imagine they are nearing 6 lbs, which makes them much stronger.

just not tonight, because V is still out of town.

i can not believe this is really happening. my heart, although still sore and forever changed from this journey, could not be happier right now. as i snuggle with sweet M before bed or in the mornings, or watch him play at the playground or in school, i feel like the luckiest woman in the whole universe that i get to do it again. times two. thankfully my most recent tears have been joyous, very unlike where i was one year ago.

34 weeks, 3 days. with twins.

and V just left for canada, staying one night and then flying to NYC tomorrow, for another night, back wednesday afternoon. i know we are technically 5 weeks, 4 days from the actualy due date, but it is twins. they usually come early. i am panicking.

we have no family here. or close. if something happens, i am pretty sure i will bring M to L&D and DCS will take over from there.

breathe. relax for next three days.

not that i'm complaining...

but i have not had a vaginal exam at all during this pregnancy. i seem to remember many with sweet M's pregnancy, including one in late-summer (he was born end of october) when i bled on the way home and panicked a little.

i also had bloodwork at every appointment with M and have only had two with this one.

am i jaded after IVF? where you are poked and stuck at every visit? every other day? and i have been having contractions for a month now, whereas i had none with M.

oh well, i just keep going with my mantra that all is ok and they will be delivered in a great hospital. 35 days until delivery. if it were not for the gigantic stomach, i would still not believe i am 33 weeks, 4 days pregnant. with two babies.

thank god.

33 weeks and 1 day.

38 days until scheduled delivery.

i can not believe it. i still have not ordered a new stroller. i am still very uncomfortable and enjoying (most) every minute. we are (almost) settled on names. i am very happy.

it is hard to remember a time in recent past when i was just happy. pure and simple. i no longer worry about these babies not making it for any reason. i am still a bit stuck on the cyst on one baby's brain, but am otherwise confident we will have two new little guys in 38 days.

i am still addicted to IF blogs. it hurts to read about fellow women struggling to conceive, or losing the baby, or giving up. i guess i had it a little easier than a lot of women out there but i still feel it in my heart when people talk about deciding to go for another, or when is the right time to plan the next baby. if only it were so simple. i still become a bundle of nerves as i wait in the OB office, directly 6 floors under the clinic who got me here, praying that there will still be 2 heart beats. i will never forget the fight i had for this, the toll it took on my marriage and relationships with family and friends, and my deteriorating mothering skills last spring as i hit the bottom.

it is hard to pity myself right now, fully believing that we will soon be a family of five. of course, it has been years since realizing no one else will pity me regarding infertility, so i do not expect sympathy from anyone, nor do i think i deserve it. i just want to build from this experience and become a better person. i want to stop rolling my eyes when someone notes "this was all god's plan for you" or "it's better now that sweet M is older" or whatever stupid things i often hear.

at least i will never be the woman who tells another mother "your little one needs a sibling" or ask a stranger why she only has one child.

31 weeks

who knew it would come so fast. 32 weeks is my goal. (after my 25 week goal.) and this pregnancy has been a lot tougher than my first. and one baby having a cyst, coupled with my gut feeling that something is wrong, i need a little support. i think the fact that i am about 15 pounds underweight for my gestational age is a big factor but i can not gain the weight. i actually just ate two eggs benedict with extra ham. after my fruit and cereal breakfast. anyway...

what has been most tough about this pregnancy, is V. this morning my hairdryer caused the power in our bedroom to go out because the heater was also on. this was maybe the 30th time, and yes, i should learn to check, but after blowing my hair dry for 20 years with no problem it is hard to remember.

so i was cursing it and our apartment.

and V says: what's wrong with you today.

i pretended he was talking about how tough i was with sweet M when he refused to get dressed and steered the conversation elsewhere but come on. i am the one stuck indoors because of the cold with an antsy three year old ALL FUCKING DAY EVERY DAY.

and i have been extremely uncomfortable for a few weeks now. i have not been sleeping very well. it is hard for me to walk too much because of pubic pressure/pain. i am thoroughly exhausted all the time. my back is so sore in the midsection because of stretching. there is actually raw chafing between my boobs and my belly.

add to that sweet M's recent behavior and you have one spent mama. (he has not been listening and i have been extra firm with him...1..2..3.. and taking his toy/stopping his activity when he doesn't listen. it is tough to keep your calm when you are exhausted and your 3 year old is screaming so i have been snapping at him a little which adds guilt to my list of complaints.) and yes i know he is a bit bored with the weather induced cabin fever this year, but i have still been hoofing it all over boston to museums and playdates and playgrounds (when weather is anywhere near mild). and i know he is just three but you can not give them an inch or all your prior hard work is over....

any way, you think V could offer to put M to bed once in a while. or give him his bath. or rub my back without me begging. or let me sleep in an extra half hour. anything. but no. he has this unsympathetic attitide that "millions of women are pregnant and deal every day." and i have my own attitude: fuck off.

just a vent today i guess. i still feel blessed to be warming our apartment for our new addition.

my OB office is terrible

they budget one hour for growth ultrasounds with twins and therefore schedule the appointment with my OB one hour later. upon arrival yesterday, the waiting room was packed...people waiting in hall outside. check-in said they were running late.

so after a not too long wait, i go in for ultrasound. it was under 15 minutes. for her to check both babies growth since last 4 weeks. add the choroid plexus cyst worry and i was completely aghast. she did say all looks fine and they measure 3 lbs. 5 oz and 3 lbs. 8 oz which is great. but come on, 15 minutes...they budget 30 for a singleton. and then at every other u/s, a doctor comes in to review the screen and check it out herself, usually focusing on baby with cyst--this time no one else.

so back to waiting room where i was told dr. was running "an hour" behind. great. i just sat back and relished in the fact that i discovered MGH has a back-up daycare center for patients to use and that i did not have to wrangle sweet M while i waited.

and after only 30 minutes or so they asked if i would mind seeing another doctor and i said fine. (after every u/s since one with cyst, i have not seen my own doctor...i think it is weird). so they bring me to a room with a bunch of computers and a single bed, with a non-stress test machine in the corner, and a doctor completely drenched from the rain (likely on walk from L&D in main building) comes in. as she is firing up the computer, she is all panting and trying to look at my file and ultrasounds. fine, whatever. i hopefully only have 8 weeks of this shit left.

the only thing she says (outside of "oh, it's twins") is

"did you have quad screening done?"

now why the hell would she ask that while looking at ultrasound? check my file, yes i did. but did you see something that looks off? did something on u/s prompt you to think there was a problem?

she assured me all looked "fine" and sent me on my way.

so i do not think MGH is Mans Greatest Hospital. i think it is just fine.

goodbye 09

i missed the technology train somewhere between blackberry and ipod. when i completely stopped working in early 08, i also stopped using the blackberry. but all along, i kept a handwritten date book. yes, with ink and a paper calendar. it must be how my brain works, but i still do it today.

well i am furiously cleaning house this week and just put away my 2009 calendar. glancing through it, it is hard to believe the amount of red ink -- indicating the infertility appointments, shots, dosage changes etc. dozens of entries each month that represented hope, failure, despair, and everything in between.

the first 8 months were truly miserable. it was hard to find happiness in anything and now i see why. most months show nothing but glaring red: 7am appt, or 75 lupron/112.5 gonal-f, or day 15 or trigger tonight. i always put a heart around the procedure be it IUI or IVF.

this prompted me to pull out 2007 and 2008 too (kept of course so i would always have the history of treatment handy). and in 2007 and much of 2008 i had many other entries for work or events with V. something besides infertility to consume my mind at times. it really shows how i stopped everything to deal with this hell. playdates, lunches, even classes for sweet M.

the only red in this past december was a heart around 12/25 and written in very small letters the word viability. that marked 25 weeks with this pregnancy, penned when i was around 12 weeks pregnant and finally starting to think this may work. and while i know many things can still happen, i am really confident i will have two little boys in the very near future.

i also know that while i would really like to try again, and have one more child, i know that this part of my life is over. the obsession with dates and procedures and # of eggs and sperm counts and shots and drug deliveries. i will have to urge my sister and her husband to start trying.

so i put away these past calendars and hopefully will never need them again. and when i stumble upon them in the future i hope the feelings and memories of this journey are faded a bit. i write everything in black ink on my calendar now, not enough activity to warrant different colors. and i can not wait until i need to switch back...in the form of red for one boy's schedule, green for another and blue for the third.

78

in 78 - or less - days i will hopefully have two healthy baby boys. i can still almost NOT believe it. i officially went into a panic just after christmas as i unpacked the gazillion clothes my parents bought for them and realized we were well under 100 days to go. this resulted in:

a hasty trip to IKEA for new rug and dresser, including a return trip for V last night after work,
the assembly of M's old crib,
the rearranging of our living and bed (both) rooms,
the realization that i have no help lined up.

otherwise i am fine. i feel big and uncomfortable and the babies keep kicking and kicking all day and all night long. this includes kicks to my cervix which, even after endless poking and prodding over the past two years, is so startling. but it is heaven. i would not trade these feelings for anything.

the worst part of this pregnancy--hands down, the very worst part--is when people tell me how hard it is going to be, or how hard the pregnancy must be. they do not know that the hardest part is over. and i am still thankful every single day for these IVF babes.