33 weeks and 1 day.

38 days until scheduled delivery.

i can not believe it. i still have not ordered a new stroller. i am still very uncomfortable and enjoying (most) every minute. we are (almost) settled on names. i am very happy.

it is hard to remember a time in recent past when i was just happy. pure and simple. i no longer worry about these babies not making it for any reason. i am still a bit stuck on the cyst on one baby's brain, but am otherwise confident we will have two new little guys in 38 days.

i am still addicted to IF blogs. it hurts to read about fellow women struggling to conceive, or losing the baby, or giving up. i guess i had it a little easier than a lot of women out there but i still feel it in my heart when people talk about deciding to go for another, or when is the right time to plan the next baby. if only it were so simple. i still become a bundle of nerves as i wait in the OB office, directly 6 floors under the clinic who got me here, praying that there will still be 2 heart beats. i will never forget the fight i had for this, the toll it took on my marriage and relationships with family and friends, and my deteriorating mothering skills last spring as i hit the bottom.

it is hard to pity myself right now, fully believing that we will soon be a family of five. of course, it has been years since realizing no one else will pity me regarding infertility, so i do not expect sympathy from anyone, nor do i think i deserve it. i just want to build from this experience and become a better person. i want to stop rolling my eyes when someone notes "this was all god's plan for you" or "it's better now that sweet M is older" or whatever stupid things i often hear.

at least i will never be the woman who tells another mother "your little one needs a sibling" or ask a stranger why she only has one child.