my OB office is terrible

they budget one hour for growth ultrasounds with twins and therefore schedule the appointment with my OB one hour later. upon arrival yesterday, the waiting room was packed...people waiting in hall outside. check-in said they were running late.

so after a not too long wait, i go in for ultrasound. it was under 15 minutes. for her to check both babies growth since last 4 weeks. add the choroid plexus cyst worry and i was completely aghast. she did say all looks fine and they measure 3 lbs. 5 oz and 3 lbs. 8 oz which is great. but come on, 15 minutes...they budget 30 for a singleton. and then at every other u/s, a doctor comes in to review the screen and check it out herself, usually focusing on baby with cyst--this time no one else.

so back to waiting room where i was told dr. was running "an hour" behind. great. i just sat back and relished in the fact that i discovered MGH has a back-up daycare center for patients to use and that i did not have to wrangle sweet M while i waited.

and after only 30 minutes or so they asked if i would mind seeing another doctor and i said fine. (after every u/s since one with cyst, i have not seen my own doctor...i think it is weird). so they bring me to a room with a bunch of computers and a single bed, with a non-stress test machine in the corner, and a doctor completely drenched from the rain (likely on walk from L&D in main building) comes in. as she is firing up the computer, she is all panting and trying to look at my file and ultrasounds. fine, whatever. i hopefully only have 8 weeks of this shit left.

the only thing she says (outside of "oh, it's twins") is

"did you have quad screening done?"

now why the hell would she ask that while looking at ultrasound? check my file, yes i did. but did you see something that looks off? did something on u/s prompt you to think there was a problem?

she assured me all looked "fine" and sent me on my way.

so i do not think MGH is Mans Greatest Hospital. i think it is just fine.

goodbye 09

i missed the technology train somewhere between blackberry and ipod. when i completely stopped working in early 08, i also stopped using the blackberry. but all along, i kept a handwritten date book. yes, with ink and a paper calendar. it must be how my brain works, but i still do it today.

well i am furiously cleaning house this week and just put away my 2009 calendar. glancing through it, it is hard to believe the amount of red ink -- indicating the infertility appointments, shots, dosage changes etc. dozens of entries each month that represented hope, failure, despair, and everything in between.

the first 8 months were truly miserable. it was hard to find happiness in anything and now i see why. most months show nothing but glaring red: 7am appt, or 75 lupron/112.5 gonal-f, or day 15 or trigger tonight. i always put a heart around the procedure be it IUI or IVF.

this prompted me to pull out 2007 and 2008 too (kept of course so i would always have the history of treatment handy). and in 2007 and much of 2008 i had many other entries for work or events with V. something besides infertility to consume my mind at times. it really shows how i stopped everything to deal with this hell. playdates, lunches, even classes for sweet M.

the only red in this past december was a heart around 12/25 and written in very small letters the word viability. that marked 25 weeks with this pregnancy, penned when i was around 12 weeks pregnant and finally starting to think this may work. and while i know many things can still happen, i am really confident i will have two little boys in the very near future.

i also know that while i would really like to try again, and have one more child, i know that this part of my life is over. the obsession with dates and procedures and # of eggs and sperm counts and shots and drug deliveries. i will have to urge my sister and her husband to start trying.

so i put away these past calendars and hopefully will never need them again. and when i stumble upon them in the future i hope the feelings and memories of this journey are faded a bit. i write everything in black ink on my calendar now, not enough activity to warrant different colors. and i can not wait until i need to switch back...in the form of red for one boy's schedule, green for another and blue for the third.

78

in 78 - or less - days i will hopefully have two healthy baby boys. i can still almost NOT believe it. i officially went into a panic just after christmas as i unpacked the gazillion clothes my parents bought for them and realized we were well under 100 days to go. this resulted in:

a hasty trip to IKEA for new rug and dresser, including a return trip for V last night after work,
the assembly of M's old crib,
the rearranging of our living and bed (both) rooms,
the realization that i have no help lined up.

otherwise i am fine. i feel big and uncomfortable and the babies keep kicking and kicking all day and all night long. this includes kicks to my cervix which, even after endless poking and prodding over the past two years, is so startling. but it is heaven. i would not trade these feelings for anything.

the worst part of this pregnancy--hands down, the very worst part--is when people tell me how hard it is going to be, or how hard the pregnancy must be. they do not know that the hardest part is over. and i am still thankful every single day for these IVF babes.