goodbye 09

i missed the technology train somewhere between blackberry and ipod. when i completely stopped working in early 08, i also stopped using the blackberry. but all along, i kept a handwritten date book. yes, with ink and a paper calendar. it must be how my brain works, but i still do it today.

well i am furiously cleaning house this week and just put away my 2009 calendar. glancing through it, it is hard to believe the amount of red ink -- indicating the infertility appointments, shots, dosage changes etc. dozens of entries each month that represented hope, failure, despair, and everything in between.

the first 8 months were truly miserable. it was hard to find happiness in anything and now i see why. most months show nothing but glaring red: 7am appt, or 75 lupron/112.5 gonal-f, or day 15 or trigger tonight. i always put a heart around the procedure be it IUI or IVF.

this prompted me to pull out 2007 and 2008 too (kept of course so i would always have the history of treatment handy). and in 2007 and much of 2008 i had many other entries for work or events with V. something besides infertility to consume my mind at times. it really shows how i stopped everything to deal with this hell. playdates, lunches, even classes for sweet M.

the only red in this past december was a heart around 12/25 and written in very small letters the word viability. that marked 25 weeks with this pregnancy, penned when i was around 12 weeks pregnant and finally starting to think this may work. and while i know many things can still happen, i am really confident i will have two little boys in the very near future.

i also know that while i would really like to try again, and have one more child, i know that this part of my life is over. the obsession with dates and procedures and # of eggs and sperm counts and shots and drug deliveries. i will have to urge my sister and her husband to start trying.

so i put away these past calendars and hopefully will never need them again. and when i stumble upon them in the future i hope the feelings and memories of this journey are faded a bit. i write everything in black ink on my calendar now, not enough activity to warrant different colors. and i can not wait until i need to switch back...in the form of red for one boy's schedule, green for another and blue for the third.