not that i'm complaining...

but i have not had a vaginal exam at all during this pregnancy. i seem to remember many with sweet M's pregnancy, including one in late-summer (he was born end of october) when i bled on the way home and panicked a little.

i also had bloodwork at every appointment with M and have only had two with this one.

am i jaded after IVF? where you are poked and stuck at every visit? every other day? and i have been having contractions for a month now, whereas i had none with M.

oh well, i just keep going with my mantra that all is ok and they will be delivered in a great hospital. 35 days until delivery. if it were not for the gigantic stomach, i would still not believe i am 33 weeks, 4 days pregnant. with two babies.

thank god.

33 weeks and 1 day.

38 days until scheduled delivery.

i can not believe it. i still have not ordered a new stroller. i am still very uncomfortable and enjoying (most) every minute. we are (almost) settled on names. i am very happy.

it is hard to remember a time in recent past when i was just happy. pure and simple. i no longer worry about these babies not making it for any reason. i am still a bit stuck on the cyst on one baby's brain, but am otherwise confident we will have two new little guys in 38 days.

i am still addicted to IF blogs. it hurts to read about fellow women struggling to conceive, or losing the baby, or giving up. i guess i had it a little easier than a lot of women out there but i still feel it in my heart when people talk about deciding to go for another, or when is the right time to plan the next baby. if only it were so simple. i still become a bundle of nerves as i wait in the OB office, directly 6 floors under the clinic who got me here, praying that there will still be 2 heart beats. i will never forget the fight i had for this, the toll it took on my marriage and relationships with family and friends, and my deteriorating mothering skills last spring as i hit the bottom.

it is hard to pity myself right now, fully believing that we will soon be a family of five. of course, it has been years since realizing no one else will pity me regarding infertility, so i do not expect sympathy from anyone, nor do i think i deserve it. i just want to build from this experience and become a better person. i want to stop rolling my eyes when someone notes "this was all god's plan for you" or "it's better now that sweet M is older" or whatever stupid things i often hear.

at least i will never be the woman who tells another mother "your little one needs a sibling" or ask a stranger why she only has one child.

31 weeks

who knew it would come so fast. 32 weeks is my goal. (after my 25 week goal.) and this pregnancy has been a lot tougher than my first. and one baby having a cyst, coupled with my gut feeling that something is wrong, i need a little support. i think the fact that i am about 15 pounds underweight for my gestational age is a big factor but i can not gain the weight. i actually just ate two eggs benedict with extra ham. after my fruit and cereal breakfast. anyway...

what has been most tough about this pregnancy, is V. this morning my hairdryer caused the power in our bedroom to go out because the heater was also on. this was maybe the 30th time, and yes, i should learn to check, but after blowing my hair dry for 20 years with no problem it is hard to remember.

so i was cursing it and our apartment.

and V says: what's wrong with you today.

i pretended he was talking about how tough i was with sweet M when he refused to get dressed and steered the conversation elsewhere but come on. i am the one stuck indoors because of the cold with an antsy three year old ALL FUCKING DAY EVERY DAY.

and i have been extremely uncomfortable for a few weeks now. i have not been sleeping very well. it is hard for me to walk too much because of pubic pressure/pain. i am thoroughly exhausted all the time. my back is so sore in the midsection because of stretching. there is actually raw chafing between my boobs and my belly.

add to that sweet M's recent behavior and you have one spent mama. (he has not been listening and i have been extra firm with him...1..2..3.. and taking his toy/stopping his activity when he doesn't listen. it is tough to keep your calm when you are exhausted and your 3 year old is screaming so i have been snapping at him a little which adds guilt to my list of complaints.) and yes i know he is a bit bored with the weather induced cabin fever this year, but i have still been hoofing it all over boston to museums and playdates and playgrounds (when weather is anywhere near mild). and i know he is just three but you can not give them an inch or all your prior hard work is over....

any way, you think V could offer to put M to bed once in a while. or give him his bath. or rub my back without me begging. or let me sleep in an extra half hour. anything. but no. he has this unsympathetic attitide that "millions of women are pregnant and deal every day." and i have my own attitude: fuck off.

just a vent today i guess. i still feel blessed to be warming our apartment for our new addition.