no support

i think my husband still doesn't understand the true hell i experienced in the last couple of years. seriously. although i am - finally - getting excited about babies and pregnancy etc. i still hurt and am still nervous and still can cry at the drop of a hat.

for example, last night he left his email up and i saw one from his mother with subject "cribs." so i opened it, even though i shouldn't have, but why are they discussing cribs? she was asking "where are those bunk bed cribs?" (i found the silliest contraption, literally bunk bed cribs, that i sent to V in humor and can not imagine anyone buying for their children. why he sent it to her in the first place is beyond me.)

i do not need or even want her buying anything for these babies. harsh? yes. but to refresh the memory, this is the woman who completely unsolicited, suggested that i (in brief) stop trying and focus on raising M -- a day after our first IVF yielded zero fertilization. via email, no less. after the only time i actually shared part of this journey with her.

what did V do? as usual, nothing. and yesterday when i told him to tell her to stop looking at bunk-bed cribs and that she seemed pretty excited for someone who simply told us to stop trying, he was like "huh? duh? i don't remember her saying that."

it is bullshit. i am so sick of it. his mother is intrusive and ignorant yet she does nothing wrong in Vs eyes. if my mother had said that, i would have exploded. if it was hurtful to V i would have gotten angry and told her it was wrong and to apoligize. V? no, he forgot she said it and at the time said she didn't actually mean what she said. even though it was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said at pretty much the most raw time in my life, he was like "la, la, la, mommy, mommy".

so what do i do? nothing. well actually, i ignore her comments and try to let everything in one ear and out the other. i keep a blog about M for friends and family and besides the fact that she asks about once a month for the address (save it in your email or favorites, duh) she send sme a stooopid email comment after every. single. post. and i do about 5 a week and i just ignore them. and she refers to M as "our baby" and the twins as "our babies" which for some reason infuriates me. YOU TOLD ME TO STOP TRYING SO THEY ARE DEFINITELY NOT YOUR BABIES.

god it makes me so angry that he never sticks up for me. she comments on his food, on school, ON MY DECISION NOT TO BREASTFEED just a few hours after giving birth. she even bought a big bro to be book that has a whole page devoted to breastfeeding. but V nevers hears any of it.

maybe i harp too long on this shit, but if V stuck up for me once in a blue moon, i might not take it so badly. even if he agreed with me once in a while instead of feigning loss of memory or deafness.

oh well, thank you for the vent blog.

and to all future brides: never marry a mama's boy. you will never come first.

piggy flu

i can not believe how ignorant people are regarding the swine flu-or general flu-shots. get them people. you will not get sick. you can not get sick from them. this flu is targeting little kids and pregnant ladies. my entire line of in-laws do not "believe" in the flu shot. even my elderly in-laws who would likely develop severe complications from any type of flu. sometimes i wonder who the doctors are that treat this family.

anyway i will continue to pester M's pediatrician and my OB until we are both vaccinated. and then, we will not be hanging out with any sick/drippy/sniffly people.

odds

my odds for downs syndrome are the best they will set. same for trisomy 18. i am elated. and with no testing or other appointments until 11/2, i am finally starting to relax.

my belly is growing. strangers ask when i am due. i think i may have felt one of the babes move last night (when M came into our bed and squished up against the belly). i find out the genders in three weeks. i rub my belly sometimes. we are casually shopping strollers online. other baby gear is creeping into my mind. my MIL is already talking baby shower (which i do not want, we already had one). we are looking at suburbs (ewwwww) and cars. i am only 14 weeks and 4 days, but i finally feel comfortable that i am pregnant.

i do not know what the turn around was, but somewhere in the past couple of weeks, i began to think less about the dangers/risks/problems with twins and pregnancy in general and more about having two more babies.

don't get me wrong, i still seethe at most of the infertiltiy coverage in the media (esp. from the ny times). i still get sad about my journey and jealous of those planning when to have a/another child. but for now, i am going to be pregnant.

and enjoy it.

no call

i am trying not to be that patient, but i have not heard back on the results from my ERA test last tuesday. they said they'd call within a week and after telling me 47 times that i was high risk and advanced maternal age and my odds for downs is 1:176, i am just a little (more) nervous.

after my ranting in the last post, i will lay off and be patient. i will call friday if i do not hear back.

i am really trying to be positive. i have never miscarried. i had no problems with M's pregnancy. just nervous. can not believe i still have 170 days to go!

huh?

i had a doctor appointment yesterday. i was called back 50 minutes after the appointment time. my dad is a doctor and i understand that emergencies happen, but they had called me last week to tell me i my doctor wasn't available and i was rescheduled with someone else. fine. but an hour to wait? with a 3 year old?

then i get back where they nurse comes in with the flu shot. i had to explain i had mine at the last appointment.
then she starts telling me what will happen at my ERA testing. i explain i had it last week.
then she listens to the heartbeats and makes sure i know that they could be hearing the same one twice, not two different bc it is hard to tell without ultrasound. yes, i understand that too.

then they send in a midwife who asks if i have any questions and when i say no says to make an appointment for 4 weeks from now. with twins they actually have me come in every 3 weeks. i did not even say anything bc i do not want to go back at all.

now i know i am acting crazy with this pregnancy but i do not think it is crazy to expect the doc or nurse to take 30 seconds outside the door to skim my chart and act like they give a shit. and i think i deserve to act crazy. it was a long fucking road and suddenly last week i am diagnosed high risk and then this week i don't even meet with my own doctor. what the hell? MGH is affectionately(?) called "man's greatest hospital" but i am not feeling it. i think i like a smaller practice and the same couple of nurses and doctors who pretend to give a shit.

i live in the same neighborhood as MGH but reall think i should switch to another hospital. my poor doctor, who i was a teensy bit skeptical about because he finished his fellowship in may 2009 and i was so nervous, is going to get an earful, likely with tears, in four weeks from yesterday.

am i crazy?

33, the new 35?

So there is NOTHING on the internet about 33 being the advanced maternal age for twins. zip, nada, zilch. and i have been looking.

since this is the first time i have heard that i was high risk for anything, i am (more) nervous. and a little mad. why would dr. OB schedule me for an ERA test and never tell me i was higher risk? and why not mention that i would be presented with the option for the CVS as an alternative? it would have been nice to have V there, or maybe more than 5 minutes in a stranger's office to decide.

let's just hope all comes out great with test. i may just keep my fingers crossed forever.

friends and infertility

i do not expect my friends to fully comprehend what it is like to deal with infertility. i am sure i have caused many to roll their eyes and i blubbered about my struggles and how it is not fair and how mad i was. and many told me "at least you have M" a statement that i personally never took much comfort in.

unexpected phone calls or email were answered/opened with hesitation as i was always certain they contained pregnancy announcements. friends i have not spoken to in over a decade, since college, would cause panic/jealousy/anger/tears etc. when they announced on facebook.

if you deal with this sort of struggle, you know what i am talking about.

but there is one thing worse than the pregnant friend. the infertile friend.

one of my dear friends called me in march or april. from her office. middle of afternoon. i just knew she was pregnant as i answered the phone. and when i heard her say "p and i got pregnant..." my heart broke in jealousy. i was lucky that her wedding fell during one of my many two week waits in early 2008. it was just a year later and almost two years since we were trying ourelves for #2. it just wasn't fair.

when she continued with "..but we had a miscarriage" my heart then broke for her. i knew she had started trying in december and that she met her GYN for a "pre-conception" meeting (at which i had a good giggle).

we talked again a few nights ago and she said they have trying again, and nothing. she is discouraged and upset and impatient and everything i have felt before. and she is sorry to talk to me when i struggled harder and longer. but i am happy to let her talk and ask and be upset and discouraged and impatient because i never had that. and i do not want her to go through this. and especially not alone. and i hope that she gets pregnant this month and deliver a baby next spring. and i wish no one had to do this. and i wish i never had to go through it.

but i am so glad she is my friend because she would listen and not understand. and i hope i can listen and understand for her.