IVF v. natural conception

one thing i can not get past is the thought that this pregnancy was not "meant to be."

i worry maybe i will die at 35 and leave three young boys, rather than one school-aged son.

or that V will die early leaving our sons with no father.

i worry one of the twins will have some debilitating illness.

i know it must seem crazy if you have not been in this situation, but doesn't it seems that if it was meant to be, it would have happened? that there is some reason i could not get pregnant on my own? some reason my eggs would not fertilize on their own?

as i read through the journeys of other infertiles who are now pregnant, i sense similar feeling in many of them. every symptom/cramp/twinge/pain is overanalyzed. we call the OB office all. the. time. not many women seem at peace after conceiving via IVF, at least not as i did with M.

hopefully all these feelings will vanish when i hold my three babies together for the first time.

thanksgiving

thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. my mom's family was really close growing up, and we would all head over to our aunt and uncle's home for the feast. i would play with my 6-7 cousins and my sister and we would pass out in the car on the way home. my aunt and monther would put on a great feast. all the usuals, but they are great cooks.

when we all moved away from each other, we spent a few TGs meeting in randoms cities for mini-reunions, this time in high school and college, drinking beers with my cousins and sister and catching up.

now that we are all married and some have kids of our own, we dont generally see our cousins on holidays anymore, or in between even, except for the random wedding or impromptu visit as most of us live or lived in DC, NYC, Boston and Atlanta.

V and i usually take turns on the holidays, so one year with mine, the next with his. this has brought the joy of thanksgiving down a bit for me, as his mom is not a great cook and i really, really, really love me some mashed potatoes and stuffing. sans giblets. she actually made mashed potatoes once with a blender. they were like glue. i think i actually cried thinking of my family eating a moist turkey and redskin mashed potatoes...

last year we were mid-cycle for 2nd massachusetts IUI and i refused to cancel it so i banged out a fabulous dinner for the 3 of us. there was quite a bit of tension from V being away from families for a reason he did nto see as more important. and now this year we are not traveling because i was so nervous at beginning of pregnancy so some of V's family is coming here. i hope to make a feast at least as good as last year.

now more importantly...i guess..what am i thankful for this year?

obviously being pregnant. i really/truly though i would never have another child, and now i will hopefully be blessed with two.

M's pregnancy. if this was my first pregnancy i would never/ever/ever do it again. i am miserable with worry. i can not gain weight. i absolutely despise the entire MGH OB team. including my own doctor. not to completely go off on tangent, but in NYC, i had regular ultrasounds, they tested my blood at EVERY single visit, and i was comfortable with my doctor. i am just not comfortable.

my family. they have been and continue to be my rock. not that it isn't rocky, but with a lack of support from V during this journey, i am not sure i would have come out on top.

V. i think he is trying to be a bit more caring and helpful. we still have no intimacy and there is definitely no aura of love swimming around us, but i am thinking we may make it. although he still does complain a lot. i have a back injury from a few years back that i re-aggravate once in a while and have been "resting it" all weekend. i know he is bored sitting around, but i could barely walk last night. still, he could take M out and about and not bitch about how "he works his ass off all week." seriously. i do too.

OK, no bad feelings now, i am off to finalize my final TG dinner shopping list and want to make sure i blow it away!

19w5d

i am 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant today.

i now feel the babies move and kick around at least once a day. and have even convinced myself that i feel them both as we know where they are attached. i am still exercising. nothing crazy and i did decide not to jog anymore as i was really uncomfortable after a short jog on monday. i am not huge, just have one baby really low down.

but i do think i had two contractions. last night i woke up with a weird tightening sensation so i can not be sure, but walking home from preschool today i felt it again and the outside of my stomach was rock hard. only lasted for a second. so to freak out or not? i decided not to. i am not even calling the nurse unless it keeps happening. and i am starting to realize/think/believe two babies will be joining our home soon.

so why not freak out? because i do not need the stress. i have even managed to stop worrying (well at least not every day) about the choroid plexus cyst on one baby's brain. this is unusual for me...not being riddled with constant worry this pregnancy...and it feels great. i am hoping it is mother's instinct telling me all is/will be fine.

first purchase

so we went for a weekend in maine and stopped at the outlets in kittery on our way home. osh kosh, gymboree, hartstrings, carters.

i could not buy anything. V thinks i am crazy, so after a half hour contemplating sizes for twins and reassuring myself this purchase would not jinx my pregnancy, i decided on a few pairs of little onsies for the new boys from the carters outlet. one set in particular are chocolate brown with "little brother" patched on the front.

ironically we came home to a package on monday from an aunt of mine. inside were some little outfits for the new babes, and a "big brother" shirt that matched the ones i just bought. (they did nto have it at our store but it is clearly meant to go with the babies' shirts.)

fate? i hope so!

my babies

are boys. they look good and strong although one has a choroid plexus cyst on the brain. (nothing too major although could be a marker for trisomy 18 but everything else looks great in terms of my odds for that.)

i am 18 weeks pregnant. with two more boys. i still can not buy anything however, and now with this cysts i do not want to even buy a stroller until they are born.

paranoid much, K? why, yes. yes, i am. and no one IRL understands.

my mother is a friend too and has been involved in this journey but never really got it. even though i cried hundreds of times to her and spent hours talking about it. so when we were chatting yesterday she happened to say something about my struggle:

"i never really thought you had it that bad. matty was not even three when you got pregnant again. my friend beth tried for three years."

i am completely shocked that she doesn't get it. does M's age really have anything to do with it? we knew by trying to get pregnant with him we would have problem, so we just started early. if i waited until he was 7, it still would have been a really bad 2-plus years. does it really matter if you have to try for 1 year or 5 years? do i have it better than those women who can never conceive? of course, and i could not imagine anything worse. but was i just being impatient? what the fuck? we had hard time with M, although he was ultimately conceived naturally (still did 6 clomid cycles with two bouts of OHSS). and ultimately, after all of this hell, we were told we would NEVER have gotten pregnant naturally becuase of my bad eggs.

does swallowing dozens of pills, giving yourself hundreds of injections, enduring the vag-cam many dozens of times, having two egg retrieval surgeries, one HSG (which is no fun at all), and spending a pretty large lump of money actually sound good to anyone? no, it was pretty bad. does staring at a pregnancy test and willing a second line to show up sound like a good time?

what about all the side effects from these drugs? the immediate and the unknown future risks? i can not even imagine how many times i cried? 500? 1,000? feels like a million if you want the truth. including right now. yes, it still fucking hurts.

is it not bad to wreck your marriage, lose pretty much all intimacy with your husband and sink pretty much to rock bottom? is it good to be completely desperate? and now, finally pregnant again, i can not even fathom how we are going to stregthen our relationship. i hurt to much still from things V said. and from things i said. will we survive? yes. do i love him? yes. was he what i needed during this hell? not at all. did i cope in a mature and calm manner? not at all.

is it not bad to think that if IVF was not covered in Mass that we would not be pregnant bc we could not have spent $30,000+ trying twice this year. how fucking lucky is that? and that is all it is, luck that we moved to boston when V lost his job.

it can not be good to still be this worried about losing this pregnancy at 18 weeks. somehow, i do not think most pregnant women are completely stressed out. and i am certain any OB doctor would think stress is bad.

so i do not see anything good about any infertility journey. they are all bad. those who try for one year year or those who try for 5. it is a bad time.

good times

i am now 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant. with twins. it is almost unbelievable still, except that i now feel the babies moving around and have completely moved to maternity pants. and i find out the genders tomorrow. i imagine that will open the shopping floodgates and then i will be convinced we are having more children.

my relationship is not as bad as it sound like when i reread my posts here. it is far from perfect and may never be again, but i have to move on from this near terminal angst that i have been in for the past couple of years.

my son turned 3 on friday and i had a party for him here with some of his friends. he had a halloween party at school and last night went trick-or-treating on beacon hill. it was wonderful. my guy understands that he is now "three" and is just more darling than ever. he is thriving in school. we have so many friends in the neighborhood.