i am feeling like IVF#2 has officially began, as i started lupron injections yesterday (and it does not feel like you are cycling without the shots, right?)
we are packing up and leaving for southern FL on saturday in search of heat and sun, at least a few days of summer.
i am cautiously hopeful this time. i know the odds are against us, but i have to believe we can expand our family. and in the meantime i will bask in the sun, frolick in the Gulf and enjoy my little family.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
sad.
as i sip through my last glass of wine, with M and V asleep and both softly snoring, after a(nother) rainy, chilly yet beautiful day spent enjoying each other on father's day/our 6th anniversary, i can not help but be sad. on such a special day.
i saw a completely stupid show on TLC today called something like "i didn't know i was pregnant" with this pretty large gal with PCOS who did not think she could get pregnant and thought the weight gain was from being depressed about unemployment and ultimately was given an enema for stomach pain and actually plopped a baby instead of a poop in the toilet.
i can't even get aggravated at this anymore. i am just sad.
i saw a family of 6 today, fighting their umbrellas and double stroller against the blustery rain. there were 5 girls probably 10 and under, and a baby boy. i assumed outloud to V that they kept having kids until they had a boy. who really knows, maybe they'll have more.
and this made me sad too.
sweet M tore through a photo album from last summer/fall and i was shocked by how much he's grown. he still looked a bit like a baby back then, not the little boy that he is right now. he had baby hair, and hands, and cheeks. he would still fall asleep in my arms.
this made me really sad.
i start lupron on wednesday, and take my last BCP next sunday.
please let this be the cycle that ends this sadness.
i saw a completely stupid show on TLC today called something like "i didn't know i was pregnant" with this pretty large gal with PCOS who did not think she could get pregnant and thought the weight gain was from being depressed about unemployment and ultimately was given an enema for stomach pain and actually plopped a baby instead of a poop in the toilet.
i can't even get aggravated at this anymore. i am just sad.
i saw a family of 6 today, fighting their umbrellas and double stroller against the blustery rain. there were 5 girls probably 10 and under, and a baby boy. i assumed outloud to V that they kept having kids until they had a boy. who really knows, maybe they'll have more.
and this made me sad too.
sweet M tore through a photo album from last summer/fall and i was shocked by how much he's grown. he still looked a bit like a baby back then, not the little boy that he is right now. he had baby hair, and hands, and cheeks. he would still fall asleep in my arms.
this made me really sad.
i start lupron on wednesday, and take my last BCP next sunday.
please let this be the cycle that ends this sadness.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
i was fine.
so my mom and her sister came to visit. the first night i broke down in tears after some completely harmless teasing, so now they too think i am crazy...
then today a cousin from CT came to show off her new baby. a boy who is 5.5 months. i am sure i have mentioned this cousin earlier. she got married a month after we started TTC #2, got pregnant soon after, and now has an almost 6 month old.
my mom was worried i would be upset, or maybe she thought i not be able to function around this new baby. he was a funny looking baby, but cute. and i was fine, held him and oohed over him. and i'm genuinely happy for the mother, a once introverted girl a bit older than me, who we all thought would never marry, let alone have children. and she was positively over the moon and i was so happy to see her this way. and i do not want her baby. or any other baby i meet. i want my own. one like M. and i am hurting for one of my own. and because i can not simply make another.
all was really fine as we pushed our strollers all around town and let the older ladies play with them, and put blankets on them, and suggest why they might be fussy. i was fine and it was a beautiful day until i was alone with cousin. and we were sharing stories about or respective c-sections and she mentioned it was not as bad as her earlier abdominal surgery. and i simply asked "what for, appendicitis?"
no, of course not. even though everyone has abdominal surgery to have their ruptured appendix removed, H had a fallopian tube removed ten years ago bc of a cyst.
and still ovulates every month.
and still conceived totally naturally.
in less than a year.
all while i have been trying. and trying. and trying.
thank goodness i was wearing sunglasses because that was the end of my coping.
and after a tearful goodbye to my mom, who i wish could stay for a few more months, i am fine.
but it might be the almost entire bottle of wine.
then today a cousin from CT came to show off her new baby. a boy who is 5.5 months. i am sure i have mentioned this cousin earlier. she got married a month after we started TTC #2, got pregnant soon after, and now has an almost 6 month old.
my mom was worried i would be upset, or maybe she thought i not be able to function around this new baby. he was a funny looking baby, but cute. and i was fine, held him and oohed over him. and i'm genuinely happy for the mother, a once introverted girl a bit older than me, who we all thought would never marry, let alone have children. and she was positively over the moon and i was so happy to see her this way. and i do not want her baby. or any other baby i meet. i want my own. one like M. and i am hurting for one of my own. and because i can not simply make another.
all was really fine as we pushed our strollers all around town and let the older ladies play with them, and put blankets on them, and suggest why they might be fussy. i was fine and it was a beautiful day until i was alone with cousin. and we were sharing stories about or respective c-sections and she mentioned it was not as bad as her earlier abdominal surgery. and i simply asked "what for, appendicitis?"
no, of course not. even though everyone has abdominal surgery to have their ruptured appendix removed, H had a fallopian tube removed ten years ago bc of a cyst.
and still ovulates every month.
and still conceived totally naturally.
in less than a year.
all while i have been trying. and trying. and trying.
thank goodness i was wearing sunglasses because that was the end of my coping.
and after a tearful goodbye to my mom, who i wish could stay for a few more months, i am fine.
but it might be the almost entire bottle of wine.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
off the meds
it seems my hormones are back in check after a break from the daily mix of lupron, gonal-f and repronex because i can feel my old pal HOPE creeping back. yes, i am again hopeful that my next IVF attempt will be successful. (this is the same hope i had for my 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th IUI's however...)
maybe it is the (finally) warm weather and bright blue skies.
or the fact that my doc gave the go-ahead for IVf with this cycle so i do not have to wait another month. (lupron begins on 6/24....sound too soon?)
or the fact that all new mothers have been parading their chubby-cheeked babies around town in their new spring outfits and i am a bit ga-ga in hopes of another.
or maybe it is that i am (finally) coming to terms that i may not have another child and am making peace with that on some level.
or maybe time really does heal all wounds.
whatever it is, i am fine with being hopeful again. i am sick of being sad. i am sick of crying. i just want to be the best mom to M, and wife to V.
a couple times a day, something will trigger the emotional breakdown. the floodgates open and tears flow, heart aches, wallowing begins. almost like the stereotypical lunatic who is "off the meds" so to speak. but it is not constant as it was. i am not consumed every other minute with thoughts on IF. and i can bring myself back to a happy place pretty quickly.
but now i wait, as i pop my birth control pills, to get back"on the meds." 8 days to lupron. let the floodgates open.
maybe it is the (finally) warm weather and bright blue skies.
or the fact that my doc gave the go-ahead for IVf with this cycle so i do not have to wait another month. (lupron begins on 6/24....sound too soon?)
or the fact that all new mothers have been parading their chubby-cheeked babies around town in their new spring outfits and i am a bit ga-ga in hopes of another.
or maybe it is that i am (finally) coming to terms that i may not have another child and am making peace with that on some level.
or maybe time really does heal all wounds.
whatever it is, i am fine with being hopeful again. i am sick of being sad. i am sick of crying. i just want to be the best mom to M, and wife to V.
a couple times a day, something will trigger the emotional breakdown. the floodgates open and tears flow, heart aches, wallowing begins. almost like the stereotypical lunatic who is "off the meds" so to speak. but it is not constant as it was. i am not consumed every other minute with thoughts on IF. and i can bring myself back to a happy place pretty quickly.
but now i wait, as i pop my birth control pills, to get back"on the meds." 8 days to lupron. let the floodgates open.
Friday, June 5, 2009
sadness.
i feel completely overwhelmed with sadness the past couple of days. my heart is actually aching.
although we tried on our own for 9 months, then for the past 17 with assistance (including a few natural cycles in between), i truly believed we would get pregnant again. of course, i had many breakdowns thinking 'what if we don't?' but in the back of mind, deep in my heart, i figured we just needed a little bit of help. i thought it wasn't our time, when it was, it would happen. i knew it could happen, because it did. and now i feel it can't.
i feel suddenly claustrophobic that i am out of options. sure, we have ICSI to try later this summer, and i am very hopeful, i just have a gut feeling that we are done.
and suddenly faced with the reality that we could move to donor eggs or adoption, i realize these are not options i am (yet?) comfortable with.
although we tried on our own for 9 months, then for the past 17 with assistance (including a few natural cycles in between), i truly believed we would get pregnant again. of course, i had many breakdowns thinking 'what if we don't?' but in the back of mind, deep in my heart, i figured we just needed a little bit of help. i thought it wasn't our time, when it was, it would happen. i knew it could happen, because it did. and now i feel it can't.
i feel suddenly claustrophobic that i am out of options. sure, we have ICSI to try later this summer, and i am very hopeful, i just have a gut feeling that we are done.
and suddenly faced with the reality that we could move to donor eggs or adoption, i realize these are not options i am (yet?) comfortable with.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
reactions
now i know.
i will not be so open about what we are going through regarding IF and treatment. especially something like IVF. it was just so time consuming, and emotional.
i thought about it constantly.
and i talk constantly.
so it was inevitable that i would mention it. to pretty much everyone.
people just do. not. know. what to say. and i understand, i really do. (except when they tell me to "let it go.") but nothing anyone says can/will make me feel better. no one will understand why i/we need to grieve. not everyone understands all that is involved in these treatments. no one knows when it is time to stop, except us.
a few of the things i did not want to hear, but did:
"well, you can do it again." just like a botched haircut or failed drivers license test! no actually, but if you want to know what is IVF like, here you go: weeks/months of birth control pills, and dozens of shots and dozens of pills resulting in anything from migraines/hot flashes to hormonal rage, a dozen or more vag-cam appointments (or, if you prefer, dildo-cam) and blood draws. and it costs an immeasurable amount of emotion/pain/frustration/sadness/madness. not to mention money, much more for many others than me in mass where it's largely covered. i can not even writing that 5-figure check. it is tolling on your physical body, your emotional body, your marriage and all of your relationships, and life in general.
"just know it is in god's hands." actually, it is not. it is in the hands of the doctors, nurses, coordinators, anesthesiologist and embroyologist at mass general. i understand why people say this but i am feeling if prayers could make a baby, i would be all set. i'm not say9ing don't pray but try praying that i find peace with the outcome of this entire journey.
"at least you guys are young." actually, V is going to be 43 this year. and neither one of us wants to be elderly when our kid graduates. from high school. and i am going to be 33 this year. and want to get back into the workforce. before i am fifty.
"at least you have M." yeah, no shit. again. and again. i still think it is harder on a level because i know what the journey from pregnancy to birthing a live child is like. the pure joy. it is addicting.
i will not be so open about what we are going through regarding IF and treatment. especially something like IVF. it was just so time consuming, and emotional.
i thought about it constantly.
and i talk constantly.
so it was inevitable that i would mention it. to pretty much everyone.
people just do. not. know. what to say. and i understand, i really do. (except when they tell me to "let it go.") but nothing anyone says can/will make me feel better. no one will understand why i/we need to grieve. not everyone understands all that is involved in these treatments. no one knows when it is time to stop, except us.
a few of the things i did not want to hear, but did:
"well, you can do it again." just like a botched haircut or failed drivers license test! no actually, but if you want to know what is IVF like, here you go: weeks/months of birth control pills, and dozens of shots and dozens of pills resulting in anything from migraines/hot flashes to hormonal rage, a dozen or more vag-cam appointments (or, if you prefer, dildo-cam) and blood draws. and it costs an immeasurable amount of emotion/pain/frustration/sadness/madness. not to mention money, much more for many others than me in mass where it's largely covered. i can not even writing that 5-figure check. it is tolling on your physical body, your emotional body, your marriage and all of your relationships, and life in general.
"just know it is in god's hands." actually, it is not. it is in the hands of the doctors, nurses, coordinators, anesthesiologist and embroyologist at mass general. i understand why people say this but i am feeling if prayers could make a baby, i would be all set. i'm not say9ing don't pray but try praying that i find peace with the outcome of this entire journey.
"at least you guys are young." actually, V is going to be 43 this year. and neither one of us wants to be elderly when our kid graduates. from high school. and i am going to be 33 this year. and want to get back into the workforce. before i am fifty.
"at least you have M." yeah, no shit. again. and again. i still think it is harder on a level because i know what the journey from pregnancy to birthing a live child is like. the pure joy. it is addicting.
Monday, June 1, 2009
WTFX2
so i had 2 WTFs yesterday.
WTF#1. my doctor called at 9:45. he was not returning my call, he called first. i was happy about this. he said more of the same, but was encouraging/caring/hopeful. he really made me feel better.
he said this busted cycle would be used as diagnostic cycle, they now assume there is problem with receptors on eggs, although they are not ever sure why eggs don't fertilize. he thinks we can/will achieve success with ICSI, and asked that i not give up.
he did say we would need to take a cycle off. i asked if possible to get on with the BCP next period as i have opportunity to get back to work in september and he actually considered (or pretended to) as i did not start the progesterone this cycle (for whatever that matters, i do not know).
so anyway, i am feeling ok today. each day healing a bit more from this cycle, but i cry/sob/tear up when i think of how my body is preventing this. how i can not provide V with the family we dreamed of and how M may never have a sibling. i can not help but picture an egg with a thick shell, not opening up/letting anyone in and think that is sometimes how i am as a person and maybe that is why my eggs are hostile.
but on to WTF#2. my MIL.
first, V's family knows we are having troble getting PG and seeking assistance, but not much else. well, we invited his folks down for a visit and they sat with M while we went for retrieval. we had to tell them i was having minor procedure/surgery. later she asked what and i told her, vaguely. she then asked how much she could tell the rest of the family (why she would want to do this is beyond me, but whatever).
i told her best to let V handle with his own siblings. she pushed a little saying everyone would wonder why they rushed down (we asked on thursday) but i was pretty firm she should not say anything.
(also, know that if V asked them to drive into a brick wall, they would.)
so yesterday i sent a thank-you-for-helping email, reiterating. this is what i wrote:
"thank you again for coming down. it made me much more relaxed able to have V there with me. we did not get good news yesterday so we will likley not spread news about this with rest of family (as you asked about).
the flowers are more gorgeous today, so at least i have something else beautiful to enjoy!"
her reply:
"i am sorry to hear you had bad news. i don't know what to say. for you and V have tried so hard and so much, as hard as it is to say it, please let it go and as we know you will, give all the love and careing you have to M. he is so precious. he is truly a gift from god......."
OK.
1. she would have NO idea what the bad news could/would be and definitely NO idea how long/hard we have been trying.
2. if you don't have something nice to say, don't!
3. careing does not have an "e."
4. and why the "please?" is she actually begging us to "let it go"?
i am beyond pissed/upset/disgusted.
in full disclosure, she did send a message a bit later saying maybe she said something she shouldn't have. fine, whatever.
thank you for letting me vent. (can't talk about with V bc any negative discussion about his parents ingnites HUGE arguments bc he will never admit they were wrong/hurtful etc. bc they are perfect.)
WTF#1. my doctor called at 9:45. he was not returning my call, he called first. i was happy about this. he said more of the same, but was encouraging/caring/hopeful. he really made me feel better.
he said this busted cycle would be used as diagnostic cycle, they now assume there is problem with receptors on eggs, although they are not ever sure why eggs don't fertilize. he thinks we can/will achieve success with ICSI, and asked that i not give up.
he did say we would need to take a cycle off. i asked if possible to get on with the BCP next period as i have opportunity to get back to work in september and he actually considered (or pretended to) as i did not start the progesterone this cycle (for whatever that matters, i do not know).
so anyway, i am feeling ok today. each day healing a bit more from this cycle, but i cry/sob/tear up when i think of how my body is preventing this. how i can not provide V with the family we dreamed of and how M may never have a sibling. i can not help but picture an egg with a thick shell, not opening up/letting anyone in and think that is sometimes how i am as a person and maybe that is why my eggs are hostile.
but on to WTF#2. my MIL.
first, V's family knows we are having troble getting PG and seeking assistance, but not much else. well, we invited his folks down for a visit and they sat with M while we went for retrieval. we had to tell them i was having minor procedure/surgery. later she asked what and i told her, vaguely. she then asked how much she could tell the rest of the family (why she would want to do this is beyond me, but whatever).
i told her best to let V handle with his own siblings. she pushed a little saying everyone would wonder why they rushed down (we asked on thursday) but i was pretty firm she should not say anything.
(also, know that if V asked them to drive into a brick wall, they would.)
so yesterday i sent a thank-you-for-helping email, reiterating. this is what i wrote:
"thank you again for coming down. it made me much more relaxed able to have V there with me. we did not get good news yesterday so we will likley not spread news about this with rest of family (as you asked about).
the flowers are more gorgeous today, so at least i have something else beautiful to enjoy!"
her reply:
"i am sorry to hear you had bad news. i don't know what to say. for you and V have tried so hard and so much, as hard as it is to say it, please let it go and as we know you will, give all the love and careing you have to M. he is so precious. he is truly a gift from god......."
OK.
1. she would have NO idea what the bad news could/would be and definitely NO idea how long/hard we have been trying.
2. if you don't have something nice to say, don't!
3. careing does not have an "e."
4. and why the "please?" is she actually begging us to "let it go"?
i am beyond pissed/upset/disgusted.
in full disclosure, she did send a message a bit later saying maybe she said something she shouldn't have. fine, whatever.
thank you for letting me vent. (can't talk about with V bc any negative discussion about his parents ingnites HUGE arguments bc he will never admit they were wrong/hurtful etc. bc they are perfect.)
bigger problems
to say i am devasted, or heart broken, or completely broken inside, would be an understatement. i should have known after 9 failed IUIs. i always had at least 1 or 2 good eggs, and V's sperm was always fine. it could not be a timing issue 9 times, could it? not to count all the natural cycles...i knew it had to be something else.
"i'm afraid i do not have good news." the doctor who performed the ER on saturday had looked a little shaggy on saturday, quite unshaven with scraggly gray hair, and now sounded grim. i knew immediately.
"i am a bit shocked, but not one egg fertilized." he went on about how they checked first thing in the morning and then again in early afternoon, how this is sign of bigger issue, not give up hope, but i did not hear him through my gigantic silent sob.
"stop all medication and call Dr. XX tomorrow to schedule a follow-up appointment."
i had been completely delighted. 25 eggs, a 5-day transfer (predicted post retrieval), this was going to be great. even if not successful we would likely have embryos to freeze.
"i'm afraid i do not have good news." the doctor who performed the ER on saturday had looked a little shaggy on saturday, quite unshaven with scraggly gray hair, and now sounded grim. i knew immediately.
"i am a bit shocked, but not one egg fertilized." he went on about how they checked first thing in the morning and then again in early afternoon, how this is sign of bigger issue, not give up hope, but i did not hear him through my gigantic silent sob.
"stop all medication and call Dr. XX tomorrow to schedule a follow-up appointment."
i had been completely delighted. 25 eggs, a 5-day transfer (predicted post retrieval), this was going to be great. even if not successful we would likely have embryos to freeze.
i fell off cloud 9 and got hurt. i just need to get up, brush myself off and heal. and i will.
but for now i am lost. i feel utterly hopeless. even V was quite distraught, which is unusual. i think he finally realized, as i crumpled onto the floor in tears, that our situation is dire. we got pregnant naturally with M, on a total TTC break--no period, no charting days, no ovulation kits, nothing. we had sex just ONE TIME over a several week period (as he was on the road a ton for work and i was working 10-15 hours a day). i joined him on a trip out of NYC, we rented a cabin at a resort in upstate new york, we ate a fabulous meal, drank entirely too much wine and just had a great night by ourselves. so he just assumed it would happen again. that it could happen again.
now i know it won't. that it can't. and while i feel sad/destroyed/wounded now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)