bigger problems

to say i am devasted, or heart broken, or completely broken inside, would be an understatement. i should have known after 9 failed IUIs. i always had at least 1 or 2 good eggs, and V's sperm was always fine. it could not be a timing issue 9 times, could it? not to count all the natural cycles...i knew it had to be something else.

"i'm afraid i do not have good news." the doctor who performed the ER on saturday had looked a little shaggy on saturday, quite unshaven with scraggly gray hair, and now sounded grim. i knew immediately.

"i am a bit shocked, but not one egg fertilized." he went on about how they checked first thing in the morning and then again in early afternoon, how this is sign of bigger issue, not give up hope, but i did not hear him through my gigantic silent sob.

"stop all medication and call Dr. XX tomorrow to schedule a follow-up appointment."


i had been completely delighted. 25 eggs, a 5-day transfer (predicted post retrieval), this was going to be great. even if not successful we would likely have embryos to freeze.

i fell off cloud 9 and got hurt. i just need to get up, brush myself off and heal. and i will.

but for now i am lost. i feel utterly hopeless. even V was quite distraught, which is unusual. i think he finally realized, as i crumpled onto the floor in tears, that our situation is dire. we got pregnant naturally with M, on a total TTC break--no period, no charting days, no ovulation kits, nothing. we had sex just ONE TIME over a several week period (as he was on the road a ton for work and i was working 10-15 hours a day). i joined him on a trip out of NYC, we rented a cabin at a resort in upstate new york, we ate a fabulous meal, drank entirely too much wine and just had a great night by ourselves. so he just assumed it would happen again. that it could happen again.

now i know it won't. that it can't. and while i feel sad/destroyed/wounded now.