forgotten?

all is great. most everything is back to perfect...my version of perfect anyway.

babies are growing like weeds. i occasionally get a twinge for one more baby, hopefully a girl. yes. true. until i remember. it is not (really) up to me/us if we want more children. and i know i will never ever do IVF again. the mere thought of the semi-full needle recepticle in my cabinet makes me cringe. i will never give myself another PIO shot. or subcutaneous shot. not for a baby.

i know i will forever remember that time in my life. and be grateful each day for these 3 beautiful children. three! i have 3 children. but know i am in a good place. am a great mom again.

life is good.

sell out

i feel like a sell out. i am happy. my babies are 8 weeks (and two days) old and i am in love. sweet M is a nightmare--he is not coping with new ones and the subsequent decrease in attention well--but i know he'll get over it. we are not sleeping much, but i know that changes with time. it is utterly blissful.

i do not think about IF every day. or every other day. it is no longer ruling/ruining my life. yes, i am done having kids, and will always be upset about how i had to come to that decision, but fine. i have three beautiful children. i am lucky. not every one is so lucky. and i know this and i know the pain involved in getting my family and i can not believe i have let it slide to the back of my mind.

but i do not want to think about it all the time. one year ago we were getting ready for our egg retrieval that would subsequently yield zero fertilization. i was about to be completely devastated. i was not being the best mom i could be. i could not imagine being happy again. and yet i am. and it is awesome.

i pray that all couples dealing with this can find peace. and happiness. and their family.

yes, i pray again. read "the shack." it is best book ever when you are dealing with something difficult. it is helping me restore and find anew my faith. it makes sense to me and helps makes sense of this shit i went through.

family

when do you know yours is complete? i would have more children. there, i said it. why more when we have three healthy, beautiful boys? because:

i would love a little girl.
we have 2 frozen embryos.
i love my babies and am in awe of my 3 year old. i would love to watch more grow up.

but:
we are getting too old (33 and 43).
we love to travel.
i do not want little kiddies when V is in his late 50's or sixties.
risk of complications rises drastically with third c-section (as told to me by my nurse as i was being prepped for surgery).

and lastly, i feel complete as a family. not sure when it happened, possibly last night as i crawled into bed after putting my three (!) sons to bed. or at the park yesterday rocking the stroller and watching V chase sweet M around and dreaming of the days when we will be cheering them on from the sidelines. or maybe when i think of owning a house. a single family, "real" house. in the suburbs where a yellow bus picks my kids up for school. and where we have a swing set in the backyard. and a grill and drink beers on the deck while they run around. maybe even with a dog.

but now i feel complete. at peace with the journey i traveled to get here in hopes it made me stronger. at relief that i do not have to do it again.

i feel sad for the couples out there that have to deal with infertility of any sort. the wanting and the waiting. the hoping and hurting. i used to be irked by a couple of friends of mine who were trying to get pregnant. one had a miscarriage at 7 or 8 weeks, and then tried for 5 or 6 months before getting pregnant again. the other has 2 boys and wants to be pregnant again. it took three months to get pregnant with #2 and they have tried 2 months for #3. and i would be so jealous listening to their complaining/hurting/impatience etc. at least you can get pregnant. but now, since who knows when, i understand. because i was there.

waaaaaaay back when, i was trying naturally and nothing was happening. and i was frustrated. and then concerned. and although i ultimately needed more assistance than my friends, it did not hurt any more or less. it just got more desperate. and i became less hopeful and more scared. and depressed and angry and everything else that comes with infertility.

and just like that my thoughts have wandered away from my beautiful family. i hope these feelings will eventually be forgotten. or at least locked away somewhere. somewhere not so close to my surface. just so i can focus on my little family without always being reminded of the hurt it took to get here.

blessed

at 37 weeks, 4 days we delivered two gorgeous, precious little boys. J and B are just perfect and i am hanging in there. my hormones are out of whack, but that will go away. my belly is just gross, but that too will change back. i am exhausted, in love and so happy.

i cried in the delivery room tears of joy of course, but also tears of relief. this journey is over. my babies are screaming and my stomach is being stitched back up. forever. although i have wrestled with the thought of having one more child, having always thought 4 would be great, and just love the thought of a little girl baby, i know this is not a path i will take again.

the pain of infertility is still fresh, the scars still healing, and i want to move on. and spend my sleepless nights hugging my boys and loving them, not begging god that this will be the month. no. from now on, i hope my tears are the joyous type only.

full term with twins.

i never thought i would make it here. but tomorrow i will be 37 weeks pregnant. with two seemingly healthy baby boys. who are already out of preemie weight.

besides people telling me i do not look pregnant with twins and asking how i did it (i eat and eat and eat and eat. i worked hard to get here and did not try to gain little weight so i find the question a bit offensive) everyone wants to know "what are you going to do?"

well, i am going to be over the moon. i am going to cry (i almost do just thinking about meeting these two new babies). i am going to thank god and the universe every day for giving me more children. i am going to remember forever the journey that got me here. i am going to pray for the healing of my emotional scars and my marriage and our health and the health of our children. i am going to pursuade V to donate our frozen embryos to another couple. i am going to be a stronger mother. a more grateful person. a more guarded person. i am going to wonder forever why these children were not "meant to be" and if we forced them into this existence. and i am going to live every minute for them.

i know the asker is wondering if we have two cribs or if we will be leaving the city or whether we know what we are in for or if we will be hiring help. and i know that and i answer appropriately. do i know the answers to these questions? no. it is hard to worry about the small things right now when i am feeling so overwhelmed with happiness. i truly feel blessed.

april 9 is our actual due date. april 10 marks three years to the first cycle day 1 that we started trying for another child. sweet M was not even 6 months old, but knowing how hard it was to have him, we did not care if they would be too close together. he is almost 3.5 now and has been the best. thing. ever. to happen to me. and all during the worst times of my life. without him, i am pretty certain my marriage would not have survived. i am not even sure i would have made it without his cute face and ever growing personality. who knows where i would be.

for now, i am full term with twins. i am ecstatic and can not wait to meet them. for M to meet his brothers. and to put this crazy chapter behind me. i am trying to be more positive in life. i am just feeling blessed right now.

not complaining again

but boy am i miserable. this is physically much harder than first pregnancy, especially when i am (still) a nervous wreck. the last three nights i was certain i was beginning labor, then would freak out a bit because i do not know what "going into labor" really means...does water always break? do you have to lose the mucuous plug? what is difference between real and fake contractions? is my back pain worsening?

and part of me just wants them to be born, even if still a week or two earlier than ideal, because i know they are alive and kicking (literally). and they both weighed in at over 5 lbs. 10 days ago, so i imagine they are nearing 6 lbs, which makes them much stronger.

just not tonight, because V is still out of town.

i can not believe this is really happening. my heart, although still sore and forever changed from this journey, could not be happier right now. as i snuggle with sweet M before bed or in the mornings, or watch him play at the playground or in school, i feel like the luckiest woman in the whole universe that i get to do it again. times two. thankfully my most recent tears have been joyous, very unlike where i was one year ago.

34 weeks, 3 days. with twins.

and V just left for canada, staying one night and then flying to NYC tomorrow, for another night, back wednesday afternoon. i know we are technically 5 weeks, 4 days from the actualy due date, but it is twins. they usually come early. i am panicking.

we have no family here. or close. if something happens, i am pretty sure i will bring M to L&D and DCS will take over from there.

breathe. relax for next three days.