8 weeks today

and bleeding.

i've never had a miscarriage. i have no (unusual) cramping. it is like a very light period. i am waiting for the doctor to call back.

it is like hot terror running through my veins. i am burning up and shaking. i am crying and praying.

i am thinking the worst. this is no way to be pregnant yet the only way far too many women know.

pregnant after infertility

so it's is almost a reality to me now. after 2 years, 3 months of increasing hell--trying on our own, 6 IUI's in NYC and 3 in MA a horrible IVf with ZERO fertilization of 25 eggs and a 2nd (ultimately successful) IVF immediately after. after feeling at true rock bottom four short months ago, nervous about marriage, life, everything else. after the stress, sadness, grief, sorrow, self-pity and on and on.

after all this, i find myself really pregnant.

i had another u/s on monday. both babes were measuring a day ahead of the technical 7w/3d.

my belly is actually showing enough that a friend's husband told me congratulations.

morning sickness has morphed into afternoon/evening sickness.

i have zero appetite.

my RE released me to an OB on monday as a "normal pregnancy."

my OB appointment (also monday) was fine and he said all is normal. not high-risk bc of IVF or bc it's twins. he encouraged me to get back to the gym.

and yet, i can not relish in the fact that i will likely have two more chldren in the not so far future. i know V is a bit aggravated with this, but how can i turn a 180 after going 1,000 miles an hour into hopelessness? i know many things can go wrong, have read too many stories. i have never miscarried, yet i check the toilet paper every single time for pink, red or brown. i overanalyze every single cramp, almost certain it is the demise of at least one baby. i search for the agonizing stories of lost twins to review symptoms that led up to the horrific event.

even seeing the heartbeats on monday, which measured great, could not cure me of this negative thinking.

i am happy. happier than i have been in a year. but after thinking "why me?" for so long, i am having a hard time letting go of that pity/angst/terror. crazy, right?

reality sinking in

my scan was great. 5 weeks and 6 days and 2 heart beats.

twins. i am torn between terror and pure joy.

and i can not help but worry a bit about where we will live, school etc. i am no where out of the danger zone which the doctor was so kind to keep reminding via subtle messages like "if you are still pregnant with two in march..." and "every day is a milestone"

first scan - post IVF

i go in tomorrow for an ultrasound. i moved appointment from monday to thursday because i do not think i could bear if we did not have a heart beat.

i feel pregnant. my boobs are sore like last time and i have on-and-off nausea...not to mention i seriously cannot button my shorts or pants and am sporting a pretty sizeable belly already.

i just cannot help but worry. i feel like i spent the last two years trudging up a mountain and now i am on top and....?

the cramp

my second beta was 1,917. both of these numbers can fall perfectly within singleton or twin pregnancies. i used to hope for twins, so i would really be done with TTC, but after taking M to see my family this past week, i realize life would be so different.

1. i could not travel alone to see my family (ahead of V who usually joins on weekends) with three kids, including two babies.

2. we would need a car. we use zip car and i could not fathom luggin three car seats and three kids down to garage.

3. we would need to move, next summer. we live in city. in apartment that would work with two kiddies, but definitely not three.

and funny i am even thin king about this because i am still feeling this pregnancy will not work out. am i have a mother's instinct? is my gut telling me not to get attached? or am i hardened by IF? have i really become so accostomed to heartbreak that i can not relish in the joy this pregnancy should be bringing? or by all the devastating infertility blogs i read? knowing there are so, so many women out there who are fighting against IF, some winning, but not all.

or is it the cramp that has not gone away? not exactly like a menstrual cramp, or ovulation cramping. not just like a feeling of dread or fear in your gut, but like a mix of all three.

my ultrasound is thursday and i am just hoping for a heartbeat. we leave on saturday for a visit with V's family and then a 5-day canadian adventure and i really can not deal with no heartbeat hoping it is too early to detect and fearing the fetus died.

waiting

i now know what it means when women who are pregnant after IF say they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. that is exactly how i feel.

every. single. cramp/bloat/twinge/ache/painflutter that is felt anywhere on my body means this pregnancy is ending. i have convinced myself the cramp in my calf is detrimental to baby. i have never had a miscarriage. or chemical pregnancy. or anything that would remotely put me at risk to lose this one, but i just can not get 100%/totally/completely/fully carefree about this.

beta 2 tomorrow, at 13dp5dt. i am hoping for a 5-digit hcg level.

612

my new favorite # and, not coincidentally, my first beta at 11dp5dt.

i still can not believe this hellish journey may be ending. i am thrilled but cautious.