pregnant after infertility

so it's is almost a reality to me now. after 2 years, 3 months of increasing hell--trying on our own, 6 IUI's in NYC and 3 in MA a horrible IVf with ZERO fertilization of 25 eggs and a 2nd (ultimately successful) IVF immediately after. after feeling at true rock bottom four short months ago, nervous about marriage, life, everything else. after the stress, sadness, grief, sorrow, self-pity and on and on.

after all this, i find myself really pregnant.

i had another u/s on monday. both babes were measuring a day ahead of the technical 7w/3d.

my belly is actually showing enough that a friend's husband told me congratulations.

morning sickness has morphed into afternoon/evening sickness.

i have zero appetite.

my RE released me to an OB on monday as a "normal pregnancy."

my OB appointment (also monday) was fine and he said all is normal. not high-risk bc of IVF or bc it's twins. he encouraged me to get back to the gym.

and yet, i can not relish in the fact that i will likely have two more chldren in the not so far future. i know V is a bit aggravated with this, but how can i turn a 180 after going 1,000 miles an hour into hopelessness? i know many things can go wrong, have read too many stories. i have never miscarried, yet i check the toilet paper every single time for pink, red or brown. i overanalyze every single cramp, almost certain it is the demise of at least one baby. i search for the agonizing stories of lost twins to review symptoms that led up to the horrific event.

even seeing the heartbeats on monday, which measured great, could not cure me of this negative thinking.

i am happy. happier than i have been in a year. but after thinking "why me?" for so long, i am having a hard time letting go of that pity/angst/terror. crazy, right?