so i made it through the rest of the drugs without acting out, for the most part. but the guilt of screaming at M, still here. i still can not help but wonder if i am doing the wrong thing now.
M actually asked me yesterday monring if i was going to the doctor "AGAIN". i did nto even know he understood that word, and then he throws it at me while i am heading out at 645. is this how he will remember his early days?
and V? he is so non-supportive. not unsupportive, he is fine with the decisions i make, helps with M when i go to the doctor, stabs me with the IM injections, etc. but he is not supportive. not in an emotional way. no hugs, no frustration, no tears. he never genuinely asks if i am OK. ever. i truly feel i am doing this 100% on my own. and i now doubt the strength of our relationship. not that i would end it, but just that i know now not to rely on it for strength or help when i am down. and that scares me because if something happened to my parents, or sisters, or M, i would need someone to help me through. and so i wonder here...am i causing this? but then i realize no, he should support me regadless.
anyway, egg retrieval is tomorrow. at my check yesterday the doc measured 32 follicles. some were still only 12, but quite a few were in 15-17 range and there were "many small" that she did not measure. i triggered last night and go in tomorrow. i feel a bit physically ill that we will have zero fertilization again. i am so nervous. i can not sleep already. i went through my verizon bill to see what time i got the news last cycle so i could make sure to be away from public when they call on saturday.
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