help?

i have been having a hard time dealing with my faith lately. i feel mad at God. hurt by god. i used to think he could help. now i just feel let down.

it rained again yesterday. i was silently sobbing as M napped in his stroller and was thinking about God and why i am so quick to blame him. or get angry at him. or shun him. is it because it is easy? or because i am greedy and want him to help me now? or 2 years ago? and he didn't? is it because i did not have enough faith to begin with?

i truly wanted to run into the church out back, fling open the doors and scream from my knees. i just want to know why me. i wanted to shout it. i know i would cry and scream and shake. i still feel i could/should/might do this. but i know that will not help my situation.

or will it?

i am so lost.