conception

my problem must be getting pregnant. the actual conception. what else could explain this? 9 IUI's all failed? zero fertilization of 18 eggs without ICSI. not to mention all the OPK stick/natural cycles we tried and tried and tried.

yes, i did get pregnant once before (naturally after treatment). and it was an easy pregnancy. i was 5 weeks along when i found out after buying some tests at duane reed when i almost puked on the way to work and realized my boobs had been sore for a while. i was soooo happy that i burst into V's office (we worked together) and started waving this pee stick in front of his face and could not stop laughing and smiling all day. i went for a blood test that afternoon and an ultrasound the next day. i saw the heartbeat and was forever changed. it was so easy. and fun.

i was nauseous for just a few days, maybe a week, but never even threw up.

i jogged every other day for 30 minutes on the treadmill with the doctor's encouragement until the 38th week, and only stopped because i was lazy.

i ate whatever i wanted. the only thing that made my stomach turn was cigarette smoke, which in manhattan is hard to avoid as you roam around.

i only gained 25 pounds (perfect) and lost it all by thanksgiving, three weeks later.

my doctor was great although he did tell me a few weeks before birth babe may be too small and taken to NICU after immediately post-birth, but he was almost 9 lbs when born.

we traveled, walked all over NYC as we usually did, we were so happy.

lately, i have been so thirtsy. my boobs so sore. i have been monitoring every. single. feeling/twinge/cramp/flutter. i have been medicating since june 9. yesterday i got an extremely faint line, followed by an even fainter line on a different test, then a glaring "not pregnant" on a digital test.

this morning, i got the "pregnant". and two darker lines. and a dark enough "+" sign.

i feel like everything will be Ok. but i am not just "sooooo happy". i am of course very happy, but it feels so different this time. i am also 1,000 other emotions. i can not stop crying. but they are tears of happiness. finally. and tears of frustration. and fear. and hope. and everything in between. i am overwhelmed. i have not told V even though i suspected with the faints yesterday. (i will tonight.)