lupron rage?

so my first u/s and estrogen check was tuesday and e=21. i did not completely freak this time bc it was only 26 with the first cycle. they upped gonal-f again and am now waiting for them to call with todays levels.

lupron. is this making me crazy? i got seriously angry with sweet M yesterday because he was not napping and was instead poking me in the face with his toy. angry to the point that i shouted and left his room in such haste that i fell over the baby-gate and crashed to the floor. then i kicked it (gate, not M) down the hall. thankfully M stayed in his room for a few minutes while i panicked that i should called DCS on myself. once calm after a few minutes by myself, i gave him the biggest/tightest/truest hug ever.**

then i pondered a comment V made this weekend that sent me into a silent rage. after tearing up during a michael jackson news segment, i exclaimed (for the 1,000,000th time) how i can not believe i/we have to go through this IF shit and how i am sick of the needles and the drug and the hormones. and after i blubbered for a second

V said something to the effect: it's your choice.

and i blew up. i was so mad that he put it on me, but now i wonder: is it my choice? is it the right choice? i know my marriage is definitely taking a pounding. i know my self-esteem/self-worth is taking a hit. i am isolating family. i am losing friends because IF is all i talk about. but it is truly consuming my life. i think about it all. the. time. i am sad all. the. time. i cry a lot. i am mad a lot. i hurt a lot.

and now i am full of guilt for yelling at a 2-year old? the sweetest 2 year old i have ever met? is this the sign that i need to stop? am i doing this to my life? am i ruining my life? what about V's? and god forbid...M's?

**i do get exasperated/flustered/aggravated/even annoyed with M often. he is 2 and "active" and curious and smart and exhausting and wonderful and i spend all day, every single day with him and i am tired. but i realize he is just 2 and never, ever, ever, take it out on him, maybe V but never M. i think it is best to parent calmly, and that is what i try to do.