mothers and sons and us falling apart

before my son was born all of my in-laws became obsessed with the fact that i was not going to breastfeed*. my sister in laws would gently suggest i at least try it. my mother in law would just shake her head as if my unborn son simply had no chance of survival. "i breastfed all six of my kids." yeah, and probably until they were twelve.

*(and yes, i know it is reported/proven that breastfeeding is healthier. it is a personal decision and i chose not to breastfeed. my son is as healthy as they get at 2.5 years. i think safe to say he is going to pull through.)

a few hours after his birth, MIL was holding M as he fussed and wiggled trying to navigate the tiny bottle into his mouth and actually said something to the effect of: "oh he just doesn't want this." note emphasis on this. as in putrid, unnatural baby formula. this was while holding him for the first time.

he was 6 hours old for christs sake. he does not know the difference between the tiny, yellow rubber nipple and the gigantic, pink one attached to my chest. (sorry, tmi, but they were huge.)

that one statement really, truly ruined the moment we introduced M to V's parents for me. my mother, who shot me a 'let it go' look when i instictively turned to her, heard it too. V miraculously did not. nor did he hear any of the others since.

most recently, we lugged our kid down to visit them in FL in march. as i was microwaving his mac-n-cheese MIL tells FIL (again in earshot of me and V) "oh, it's that processed stuff again."

now you must know 2 things.

1. i completely obsess of M's diet. i put a shot of veggie juice into his juice. that is already watered down. he has been eating hummus and olives and peanut butter and tofu and beans since he started eating. his pancakes/meatballs/soups are infused with veggie or fruit puree. he only has a "treat" a couple times a week and only if he eats well beforehand. the mac-n-cheese in question is sort of gross (and oh so yummy) but travels easily. and i doctored it up with half a container of butternut squash and chopped turkey.

2. my in-laws eat horribly. they are both are overweight. FIL had an emergency quadruple bypass at 70-ish. MIL has had type II diabetes for 15 or 2o years. she particularly is in poor health with circulation, knee and back problems that are no doubt a direct result of her weight and/or diabetes. and out of their 6 kids, 4 were fat children and two remain obese--yes, obese--into adulthood.

i would never point this out, at least to anyone other than my sister...but V could and should. instead he acts like he doesn't hear, or forgets that i asked him to stick up for me, or didn't think that was what she said. and fine. boys love their moms. but at what point does wife get to the same level as mom*? it pisses me off that she is always critical but pisses me off even more that V ignores it.

i know i have been unbearble the past year plus. i have been lingering just above rock bottom for a few months now. our sex life is shot. and V has been asking me to book a babysitter for the last few weeks so we can have a date night. i am sure this is an attempt to get us back on track, but i can not do much more beyond the lone unreturned voicemail i left a gal who sat for us once. i do not want to. i need to be loved right now. i need to be cuddled. i need to be part of a couple who wants this together. i need V to ask me how i'm doing. to hug me. to understand.

i hope one day M will love his wife. no. matter. what. i hope i can teach him the simple power of a hug.

(*in fairness to V, he did get involved once when MIL actually asked him to intervene when she wanted to give M a thanksgiving turkey leg to gnaw on. and i said no. five times. and she insited bc she gave all of her grandkids a turkey leg to gnaw on. she was so mad she actually asked V if she could do it. and he sided with the mother. of his son. yes, me. me who thought it was gross to have a 13 month old baby slobber on a turkey leg.)