waiting. and waiting.

this morning was my 22nd lupron shot. yesterday was day 11 of stims (gonal-f and repronex). i am now waiting for the call with my "instructions" after my 6th date with the vag-cam since start these meds.

i have 15+ measurable follicles (actually lost count) and many smaller. the largest were a 14 and a 15 and there were approximately 8 at 10/11 with a few in between. the doctor said i would likely trigger tomorrow or friday. although i do not want to wait longer than i have to, it seems a bit soon. the follies only grow 1-2mm a day and aren't we looking for sizes closer to 20, or larger??

i can't wait to not be bloated. (or probably just fat as i have not stopped eating for -- umm, when did i start birth control pills?? oh, on 4/10. seriously, it is only 1pm and i had a chunk of watermelon for breakfast before my 7am appointment. then a small pancake that M did not eat. with butter of course. a wedge of a leftover cubano from last night. a slice of cheese. and i just polished off a bowl of cereal.)

i can not wait for this to be over. this IVF cycle. this whole TTC saga. i can not wait for this whole infertility business to be part of my history. pregnant or not. win or lose. i will be able to say i tried everything.

i am tired of explaining what IVF is. and why it takes so long. and why there are no guarantees. and that i will not be the next octo-mom. or even close.

i can't wait until i start planning for a new baby. or planning a kick-ass vacation to mark the end of this journey.

i can not fast forward this process. or slow it down. so for now i will wait. for something completely out of my control...

for the instructions from my nurse.
then for the egg retrieval.
then for the fertilization report.
then hopefully, the transfer.
then the awful/dreaded/torturous TWW.
then the results.

and either way, win or lose, i will have to wait some more.