subfertile? i hope!

i follow many IF blogs religiously. i truly feel hope and disappointment for the brave ladies who bare their souls while suffering defeat from IF. i have dozens of blogs bookmarked, and check in all the time. i am not ready to share my thoughts with the entire blogosphere, but i feel the need to get this off my chest...

the author of a blog i follow has recently ended her TTC journey. she has not gotten pregnant. she does not have a child. i can not imagine her pain/suffering/anguish. recently a woman made a comment on said blog that: "one IVF does not make you infertile. maybe subfertile, but no infertile." the author agreed that if you have success you are not infertile.

first, note that i truly understand this woman is in the depths of depression. she makes note of problems with her marriage/family/friends.

second, i can not imagine life without M. however if - 5 years later - he had not come along, i am certain i would be single/miserable/isolated/alone/depressed.

but, i am infertile. and so are the thousands and thousands of other women out there who can not get pregnant on their own/easily/at all.

while i do know the joy of being pregnant, experiencing childbirth and cradling our own son,
i still suffer every day.

i still hurt every day. i still cry every day.

my own marriage is in a rut. my husband does not want to continue ttc and i do not want to stop. no one in my real life world understands me at all. no one. not even when i am crying and trying to explain. i hear the same bullshit as everyone else: 'try relaxing/it will happen/isn't M enough/it took me 6 months to get pregnant naturally/blah blah blah."

while i wake up each day to my son peering in my face/licking my nose/screaming from his own bed i still feel lonely. even though he makes me happier than ever, i still feel broken. even though i birthed him, i still hate my body. and i blame god/myself/everybody/nobody.

i hate women with babies. especially when they have more than one. i hate pregnant women. especially when they are carrying twins.

i still can not get pregnant. 27 cycles and no baby. 9 IUI's and no baby. hundreds of at-home OPK's and nothing. drugs, drugs, ultrasounds,bloodwork and more drugs...still just "unexplained" infertility and no other baby.

but explained or not, it is infertility. i am sorry for authors story and will continue to pray and hope for her. i hope she finds peace.

and i hope my first IVF is my only IVF and that it works. if that makes me subfertile, i will take it.