hello? does anyone get me?

many days i walk my son to the playground/museum/grocery. we hold hands and i appropriately answer his 1,000 "what's that" questions: "fire hydrant/blue van/curb/pigeon/trash/puddle/bum." i heartily laugh when he is funny. i sternly scold when he is fresh.

i know i do not look infertile. but i am. i fought it hard for M and i am fighting again. i think acheiving a child after IF makes him/her more cherished. not that those who have children the old fashioned way do not cherish their children, but they often seem to take them for granted because they do not know/understand the struggles of infertility.

i am always aware of how lucky/grateful/fortunate we are to have M. every. single. minute.

and i do not expect anyone to understand my journey. i just need people/friends/family/mother to understand that i am stuggling. and emotional. and hurt. and mad. and sad. i need people to know that i cry every day. that i hug my son 100 times a day. that i tear up when i see pregnant ladies/newborns/families of 4.

that i am completely desperate.

and i know that no one can fully understand this unless you have walked this path. fertiles will never have to relive their lives trying to invent a reason for their IF..."what if i did not smoke so much pot/what if i did not spend the bulk of my twenties on BCP/what if i was a nicer sister/daughter/friend/what if i have only a few weeks to live/what if my husband has terminal cancer."

i met my friend "Lo" last year when we moved to boston. she has 2.5 year old girl and a 1 year old son. we play date often. i have told her we struggled with IF for M and are struggling again to get pregnant. she has seen me tear up many times about it. she has offered to watch M if i need to go to doctor.

yet she complains about her baby. all. the. time.

"he is so annoying/i can't do anything because he is so clingy/(first child) was such an easier baby/i would have another but he is such a pain in the butt/i wish he would stop whining."

well, M is definitely not the easiest toddler i have come across but i would never complain. never. ever. sure, i get frustrated when he throws a tantrum at the drugstore. or when he crayons the furniture. or when he slaps me in the face. but i would never complain about him because i will always remember how close i came to not having him.

and i would take the most annoying/clingiest/most difficult/whiniest baby ever and never complain.

i do not expect others to understand/pity/hide their own joys. just please be the tiniest bit considerate to my situation. it is hard enough dealing with those who do not know. the pregnant strangers. the tiny newborns. the families of 4 enjoying their day at the park.