why now?

over the past year and a half i have lurked religiously on several dozen blogs devoted to the struggle with infertility. i have followed the intimate stories/successes/failures of so many who bare their souls and check in on beta days and seek tips on everything from communicating with doctors to giving shots to dealing with pesky/rude/inconsiderate friends or relatives. i get strength/hope/peace/support from the many, many, many women who are also battling the demon that is infertility. i just have not shared my story.

i relate to all the BFNs. i rejoice at the BFPs proudly/anxiously/finally posted on these blogs even though i hate/envy pregnant friends/relatives/strangers who. i look for answers/statistics/laughs/strength/hope within the musings from this minority of women. i want to share my thoughts on this, but haven't.

i cry often. i have stopped praying.

i am sad inside. i feel life is not fair.

so why now? why not when this journey began 26 cycles ago on april 10, 2007?

because i do have a son. i did get pregnant, and did not miscarry, and delivered a healthy, beautiful sweet son (i will call him M and refer to him often) and i do not want to feel judged as lucky/inconsiderate/ungrateful/spoiled.

i share the same feelings/shame/frustration/anger and so on. i thought i had won the fight against IF but now realize i had only won a battle, and am still fighting the same war. i am still battling infertility. still infertile.

why now?
because i am waiting this week for my period to start so i can begin IVF #1 after 9 failed IUIs since february 2008.

because we have decided to try IVF just two times over the course of the next few months.

because after these cycles, i will call it quits for good and i am scared shitless.

so that is why. because the end is finally near
and i am scared.
and i need support.

(and with endless pages of frustration and anger and hopelessness and desperation in my journal, my hand is getting sore.)

so if you are a hater because i am a mother i understand. sometimes i hate pregnant women and mothers of two and three and four. just please don't judge. i fought the same fight for M and am continuing in hopes of another. or two.