male factor IF

sometimes i wonder if it would be easier if it were husband V who had the IF problem. not easier in general..or for him..but easier on me. it may sound selfish but i would console. inquire. comfort. nuture.

no one does this for me. not for lack of trying, but for lack of understanding. or because they are just sick of listening. and not understanding. in fact, a lot of close folks make me feel guilty or selfish because i already have a baby/child.

"isn't one enough?" no...yes...what can i say? my son is not enough?? or yes, he is and i do not deserve to be upset about not getting pregnant. i usually just stammer something stupid about how M is a rowdy one.

"but you do have a baby/child!" yes i am aware i got knocked up, grew a babe for 9 months and then birthed him. that does not guarantee it will happen again. and it very well may not. and it is because of this that i am a mess.

"can't you just be happy you have M?" i will never forget how fortunate i am for M. he has made me better/happier.

my mother has struggled with the right thing to say for a while. she called me back in february almost too excited because the woman at her dry cleaners told her she was pregnant and not sure she could keep the baby. (not weird that she talks to her dry cleaner's staff.)

and...my cousin and his wife had just adopted a baby from one of the wife's hair clients who could not keep the baby.

and...this was fate! right?!

V gets upset often. i can not blame him as he married someone else. someone not depressed. someone who cried when she was happy, not sad. someone who would never miss a holiday, especially thanksgiving, because we were mid-cycle. he is angered that i mope a lot. i truly feel bad for him yet i feel anger/hate/aggravation/frustration because he can-not/will-not hug me and tell me it will be ok. or brush the hair from my face and tell me we will get through this. or hold my hand and use his eyes to soothe my pain.

i do wonder what it would be like if V was the "reason" we could not conceive. would he lie awake at night feeling like a failure as a man? would he begin to question himself as a good person? would he ache constantly? would he consider donor sperm? would he have given up by now?

i do believe things happen for a reason. i am just trying to find that reason.