recently

god i sound like a manic. these last couple of post do not accurately reflect my usual state of mind. i AM happy. thrilled, excited, yet still cautious and fearful, to be pregnant.

yes, my marriage has suffered in the last two years. yes, i get extremely frustrated with V and how he clams up on "important" topics. yes, i needed more when i was suffering through failed cycle after failed cycle. can i put it all behind me? that remains to be seen, but i am in a good place.

i am 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant. tomorrow i go for my early risk assessment. and of course, before i even do this testing, i am concerned that i will not get the quad screen a few later. (when pregnant with M the ERA was fairly new, so they did both. and i could use the extra reassurance this time but they do one or the other.)

my nausea has gone and i can finally make it through a day without a nap. i feel much better although have such sharp cramps in my belly that i can not completely write them off as stretching.

i am feeling calmer too toward the pregnancy. i am nervous to travel. especially over the holidays at 24-26 weeks, but that will be the last trip before we (hopefully) welcome home to healthy babies.

i have been reading some other blogs of IF'ers who have become pregnant. those who struggled longest seem to be like me. always anxious until the next test/US/doc appointment. it is like waiting for the other show to drop. and it is hard to let go of that fear and enjoy 100%. on the other hand, those who may not have had as long a journey* seem to be relishing in their current status. and that is what i am hoping to achieve in the next few weeks. with M i was ecstatic from the moment i found out until...well, until we started trying for #2!

*not to say a shorter TTC period makes it easier, it is just an observation. anyone who is subject to any sort of fertility struggle is the same to me. 5 years or 1, it is hard to swallow at any time that your body (or your DH's) can not naturally produce a baby