off the meds

it seems my hormones are back in check after a break from the daily mix of lupron, gonal-f and repronex because i can feel my old pal HOPE creeping back. yes, i am again hopeful that my next IVF attempt will be successful. (this is the same hope i had for my 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th IUI's however...)

maybe it is the (finally) warm weather and bright blue skies.

or the fact that my doc gave the go-ahead for IVf with this cycle so i do not have to wait another month. (lupron begins on 6/24....sound too soon?)

or the fact that all new mothers have been parading their chubby-cheeked babies around town in their new spring outfits and i am a bit ga-ga in hopes of another.

or maybe it is that i am (finally) coming to terms that i may not have another child and am making peace with that on some level.

or maybe time really does heal all wounds.

whatever it is, i am fine with being hopeful again. i am sick of being sad. i am sick of crying. i just want to be the best mom to M, and wife to V.

a couple times a day, something will trigger the emotional breakdown. the floodgates open and tears flow, heart aches, wallowing begins. almost like the stereotypical lunatic who is "off the meds" so to speak. but it is not constant as it was. i am not consumed every other minute with thoughts on IF. and i can bring myself back to a happy place pretty quickly.

but now i wait, as i pop my birth control pills, to get back"on the meds." 8 days to lupron. let the floodgates open.